fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 11:22:23 GMT
Hello, I’m glad I’ve found this website. I was constantly in agony when I was in a relationship with my ex thinking why he did not make our relationship grow or get close. I googled about my questions that I had and I concluded that he is emotionally unavailable, DA and commitment phobic. He is like a text book DA when I looked at example behaviours of DA. I think It would have been different if I knew all this before break up happened but well.
It was very different from normal relationship that I had before.
We’ve been together nearly a year. There wasn’t much physical or emotional intimacy. He just couldn’t communicate when I brought up the issues of intimacy. Deactivated or completely ignored me. Plus, I found out that he was talking to some girls behind me. I was thinking he was not that into me and why the hell he’d want to be in a relationship with me. As if keeping me for his back up pland and looking for a better one?
We did not argue on the day we broke up. I said he should call it a day with me first if he wants to look for other girl. And I said what I want is marriage and if our relationship is not going that way, I want to end it. He said he cannot see a future with me and he likes me but not in love with me. But he didn’t what to break up. He was so sad and started opening up about himself. That was first time he opened up about what’s inside and true feelings about life. Yes, it happened when I said I want to end it.
I don’t get it. He made it clear that he doesn’t want to marry(me) and he does not have strong feelings towards me like I do towards him. He said all of this and still did not want to break up. What the hell was he doing with me for a year then. I am so mad and broken. I’m 35 and he is 38. He was the one who brought up marriage in our first date if want to marry in the future saying he thinks men should settle down when they get older. And we made it clear that our relationship is not casual but serious. I don’t understand what has happened to me.
He said he has never met anyone he wants to marry. When we had a break up discussion, he was genuinly upset saying he’d be sad losing someone in life like he lost his uncle recently. It looks like I dumped him but in fact I am the one who is rejected. Isn’t it? We both agreed that there is no other alternative ways other than break up. He insisted that we are gonna talk after 3 to 5 days when I was sayinf I’m ending the relationship. He indeed sent me a text hi, how are you. I did not reply but blocked him. I had to becaude I said I love him but all he said was he likes me but not ik love with me. And he cannot see longterm like marriage with me.
Very broken because God knows how dearly I thought of him and I truly loved him seeing future with him. I’m trying to move on but also missing him so bad. Any comments will be welcome.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 11:47:26 GMT
do you know your own attachment style?
emotionally unavailable men choose emotionally unavailable partners.
the complimentary emotionally unavailable partner for a DA is often Anxious Preoccupied. it's just the other end of the spectrum.
if you identify your own attachment issues that led you to fall in love with an emotionally unavailable partner you will be able to begin to make sense of it al.
welcome to the forum, where AP, DA, FA, and Secure types all band together to help each other explore their own issues and find healing for our own attachment injuries. I'm DA and it's been very helpful for me!
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 12:37:49 GMT
Thank you for the reply. =) I am SA I believe?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 12:59:11 GMT
hi Fifi, I am DA and my ex was dA also. I found this forum after i ended it, for the same reasons you have. my ex was more deeply avoidant and just budding awareness, and my story is similar to yours. it's very painful and i am glad you found us. I have been no contact for a little while as i heal, but he would be happy to keep engaging on his level forever (like we did a year, same as you, not casual not committed) so i had to close the door firmly. I am more secure than DA after a lot of growth even before i found attachment theory. I didn't want marriage but i did need long term commitment. so, for what it's worth, i know where you're at and i am sorry  |
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 13:18:16 GMT
Hey tgat. Thank you so much for your reply. He broke up with me last June due to his illness. He couldn’t get out of bed and his illness was serious. Main reason was his poor health which was ubderstandable but he was not labelling our relationship after 4 months of dating. I asked him what we were and he said we were dating. I hated his cloudy ambiguousness and so done with his “reserved attitude” (back then I just thought he was extremely reserved)
I cut him off straight after. I was not emotionally engaged deeply because he was always vague and I just wanted to know where our relationship was going but when he made it clear that he couldn’t and wouldn’t see me, there was no reason not to cut him off. It was not the greatest experience but I did and I started dating a new guy after a month.
I got a text from him after two months of seperation. Hi, fifi How have you been. I did not reply because I knew it did not mean anything. And then a month later after that msg, he sent me a desperate msg ending “please text me.” He apologised for his behaviour (which was a surprise). I felt bad that he had to send a desperate msg like that. We started texting but he was never clear of his intention. Long story short, we began our relationship because he wanted to and that’s how we re-started.
I went cold turkey completely back then. When I end I end. No problem. But for some reason, I ended up here repeating block and unblock him on whatsapp.
I’d say I still have a hope since I ended it when he still has feelings for me. It must he pain for him as well. He might come back like he did before but again, he said he doesn’t want to marry so I doubt if he’d come back. I’m very torn. Just hope time passes quickly and I can focus on other things. =(
How long have you been on NC, tgat?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 13:25:33 GMT
fifi, i have only been full NC a couple of weeks. i had to make the choice to cut contact because of ambiguity after the breakup. it's horrible, as two DA's we could have swirled around endlessly i guess but i have outgrown unavailability and would like to have a healthy and mutual relationship. he wanted to keep things ambiguous, but i am certain it hurts him very much to lose me. i don't feel good about that, but i am clear also on what my aspirations are and what i can and cannot do. a relationship with an avoidant worked for me to some extent because of my avoidant issues. but i keep growing. it's such an arduous process but i am committed to it. growth is what made me have to call time on the relationship and it was excruciating. i heal more day by day and feel mostly acceptance and some other residual feelings i work through. i ended the relationship Dec 24 last year. so it's been a process of grieving, letting go, focusing on my future and the growth i need to find a healthier relationship.
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Post by scheme00 on Feb 26, 2018 17:59:34 GMT
Oh fifi, you and I are going to talk. Your story Ian IDENTICAL to mine except I was on and off for 1.5 years. And I learned about this in the middle of the relationship but it did not change things. It made me aware when she was getting her own space but each time felt like we were not going to talk again. I’ll pm you my story later, but it’s very very eerily similar to everything you posted. I think if you hear a similar story it may be a little easier for you to accept.
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 19:03:03 GMT
Hey, schemep00
Yes, I’m definitely keen! I know I made a right decision but it’s just that my emotions cannot keep up my decision. That’s all. I know I’ll start to feel better but you know right after break up you just have to deal with the raw pain. You just have to go through it, right?
I’m still occasionally unblocking him on whatsapp just to check his last seen thinking what he is up to or if he’s got a date this evening. It’s quite obvious to tell because I know his routine. Anyway here I am hurting myself trying to get iut if this pain as soon as possible. Trying to convince me that he make a horrible husband.
But what confuses me is that it could be DA but also he just does not like me enough. In fact he seems he doesn’t really have a thing called emotion. This confuses the most! WHY THE HELL DO THEY WANT S RELATIONHIP when they don’t want any level of intimacy!!!!!!!!!
Please send me a text. I’d love to have a chat with you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 19:11:42 GMT
Hey, schemep00 Yes, I’m definitely keen! I know I made a right decision but it’s just that my emotions cannot keep up my decision. That’s all. I know I’ll start to feel better but you know right after break up you just have to deal with the raw pain. You just have to go through it, right? I’m still occasionally unblocking him on whatsapp just to check his last seen thinking what he is up to or if he’s got a date this evening. It’s quite obvious to tell because I know his routine. Anyway here I am hurting myself trying to get iut if this pain as soon as possible. Trying to convince me that he make a horrible husband. But what confuses me is that it could be DA but also he just does not like me enough. In fact he seems he doesn’t really have a thing called emotion. This confuses the most! WHY THE HELL DO THEY WANT S RELATIONHIP when they don’t want any level of intimacy!!!!!!!!!
Please send me a text. I’d love to have a chat with you. If he is an unaware DA, he does not want a relationship. An FA is more likely to want a relationship. The best way to describe it is a DA wants a companion, not a relationship. |
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 19:14:57 GMT
But my ex was in a relationship for 2 years. He moved in with his expartner but they broke up mainly because he did not want to commit.
I’m sure he is DA? But yes he is not aware of that and he thinks what he thinks and expect in the relationthip is right. I might have to check up FA as well. Thank you Mary x
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 19:21:19 GMT
But my ex was in a relationship for 2 years. He moved in with his expartner but they broke up mainly because he did not want to commit. I’m sure he is DA? But yes he is not aware of that and he thinks what he thinks and expect in the relationthip is right. I might have to check up FA as well. Thank you Mary x Read what you just wrote. He didn't want to commit. Was he in a relationship or were they companions? I think this is where a lot of people get confused. They may appear to have been in relationships, but are they actually relationships?? |
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Feb 26, 2018 19:40:07 GMT
Very enlightening! But what’s the difference between companionship and relationship? Intimacy? Why do they need a companionship? Companinship is more like a friendship isnt it? Isn’t it suffice for them to find it from friends as they are not keen on having intimacy?
I am not sure what his previous relationship was like. But mine as minimum physical intimacy. He called me a girlfriend and his parents knew about me. We had sex but became sexless. It could be because of lower libido and erectile dysfunction due to his illness.
I feel I’ve seen his real-self behind his facade. I don’t think his preveous relationship was much different from mine if he was what he is like now which is described by emotional unavailable, DA and CP.
Are they able to love someone if they are emotionally so closed up? Why do they want a companionship? Is it ever possible for then to have a true intimate relationship? My DA refused anything related to emotion saying it’s weak.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 20:00:57 GMT
Very enlightening! But what’s the difference between companionship and relationship? Intimacy? Why do they need a companionship? Companinship is more like a friendship isnt it? Isn’t it suffice for them to find it from friends as they are not keen on having intimacy? I am not sure what his previous relationship was like. But mine as minimum physical intimacy. He called me a girlfriend and his parents knew about me. We had sex but became sexless. It could be because of lower libido and erectile dysfunction due to his illness. I feel I’ve seen his real-self behind his facade. I don’t think his preveous relationship was much different from mine if he was what he is like now which is described by emotional unavailable, DA and CP. Are they able to love someone if they are emotionally so closed up? Why do they want a companionship? Is it ever possible for then to have a true intimate relationship? My DA refused anything related to emotion saying it’s weak. From your original post, he sounds a bit more FA to me, but there are a lot of similarities with FA and DA. FAs will try harder to have the relationship. DAs denounce the need for a relationship. I am DA and I never, ever bring up marriage on a first date or the one millionth date. What I mean by companionship is more than a friend, but less than a committed partner. It's like saying, yes we are together, but I can still do what I want. The commitments of a relationship are a burden (ie. being accountable to another person, being vulnerable to them, etc). It varies with the individual if they are able to love, how much intimacy they will allow or how much they will let you in. It's a spectrum. Given a lot of time, I am able to do these things, but most people won't have the patience for it. Only by becoming more aware, am I able to really let someone in. It's a long work in progress. Emotions are weak, because it has been our experience that if we let a person know we care, we will be taken advantage of or hurt. It's a difficult mindset to change. |
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 20:08:12 GMT
Hey, schemep00 Yes, I’m definitely keen! I know I made a right decision but it’s just that my emotions cannot keep up my decision. That’s all. I know I’ll start to feel better but you know right after break up you just have to deal with the raw pain. You just have to go through it, right? I’m still occasionally unblocking him on whatsapp just to check his last seen thinking what he is up to or if he’s got a date this evening. It’s quite obvious to tell because I know his routine. Anyway here I am hurting myself trying to get iut if this pain as soon as possible. Trying to convince me that he make a horrible husband. But what confuses me is that it could be DA but also he just does not like me enough. In fact he seems he doesn’t really have a thing called emotion. This confuses the most! WHY THE HELL DO THEY WANT S RELATIONHIP when they don’t want any level of intimacy!!!!!!!!!
Please send me a text. I’d love to have a chat with you. If he is an unaware DA, he does not want a relationship. An FA is more likely to want a relationship. The best way to describe it is a DA wants a companion, not a relationship. Mary (or anyone) can someone elaborate a little on the difference between FA and DA? I am working on me (AP). .. but because I seem to pick avoidant partners (and even friends).. I’m trying to figure it out. My last guy I really thought was secure at first. He as so attentive and kind and very, very loving. He said all the right things... but after we spent quality time together, he would always go MIA for a few days. I should have picked up on that, I guess. And then as I got triggered, more of his resistance started showing. I want to not pick partners like this again... but it seems like I can’t tell in the beginning. He did say he doesn’t have a lot of friends because he’s bad at maintaining friendships but I just thought he was a workaholic. Anwyay... I know I have to stay vigilant on my end, but it seems like part of that will be recognizing an avoidant earlier so I can detach before I’m so deep in it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 20:57:40 GMT
If he is an unaware DA, he does not want a relationship. An FA is more likely to want a relationship. The best way to describe it is a DA wants a companion, not a relationship. Mary (or anyone) can someone elaborate a little on the difference between FA and DA? I am working on me (AP). .. but because I seem to pick avoidant partners (and even friends).. I’m trying to figure it out. My last guy I really thought was secure at first. He as so attentive and kind and very, very loving. He said all the right things... but after we spent quality time together, he would always go MIA for a few days. I should have picked up on that, I guess. And then as I got triggered, more of his resistance started showing. I want to not pick partners like this again... but it seems like I can’t tell in the beginning. He did say he doesn’t have a lot of friends because he’s bad at maintaining friendships but I just thought he was a workaholic. Anwyay... I know I have to stay vigilant on my end, but it seems like part of that will be recognizing an avoidant earlier so I can detach before I’m so deep in it. From Jeb's site: "The two avoidant types (dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant) share a subconscious fear that caregivers are not reliable and intimacy is a dangerous thing. The dismissive-avoidant individuals (who we will call Dismissives) have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am,” while the fearful-avoidant are still consciously craving an intimacy which scares them when it actually happens." |
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