Post by h on Jul 25, 2016 5:07:12 GMT
I am somewhat anxiously attached, and he has displayed avoidant behaviors. I'm 35 and he's 36.
When we met, it was very very intense. We fell deeply in love. He had no problem expressing how he felt. We moved in together quickly. The intimacy was incredible. It was like a religious experience for both of us. Sometimes sex would make both of us cry out of happiness. We discussed marriage, and children openly. None of this seems avoidant! In fact, no one in my life has given me so much attention and security as he did. It's one of many things that drew me to him. He worshipped me.
About 6 months into living together, I was triggered. He did not want to cuddle as much, which really set me off. He had moods - silent moods where I was not able to engage him in conversation, and during which times he could not be physically touched. My insecurities were triggered, and I repeatedly asked for reassurance. He responded coldly. It would have been easy for him to hug me and tell me everything was OK, but he was unable to do that. He would claim nothing was wrong, but he was unable to reassure and communication regarding this was difficult. There was a downward spiral.
Throughout all of this we still loved each other. The sex remained very emotional and incredible. There were many good moments between these conflicts.
But eventually I was anxious all the time. He couldn't handle that and distanced himself. He took a job out of town, saying I could join him after he settled his career. But he couldn't make that step of having me move out there. of course, this escalated matters even more - I was hanging on for dear life, I believed, and still believe, that he is the love of my life.
He said he loves me, he still wants all of the things we have always dreamed about, but that he does not know how to do that and succeed in his career at the same time. I should mention that he is a scientist with a new tenure track position and says that line of work demands very strict diets, meditations, and lifestyle which he found difficult while maintaining our relationship. Especially once this downward spiral had started. I was looking for reassurance constantly.
I've been reading about attachment styles. I know my behavior is anxious and his behavior became avoidant, but when we started, it was so opposite that. I don't know the best way to approach him. But I feel like knowing about these dynamics could help us to give it another try in a more educated way. I don't think our styles are very extreme, because he has a kind, emotional side and didn't in the beginning have any fear of commitment.
He did lose a parent when he was quite young, and also experienced a very painful divorce where his partner cheated on him.
What are your thoughts? Did we trigger each other to become avoidant and anxious? Is there hope for us? Any insight would be really appreciated.
When we met, it was very very intense. We fell deeply in love. He had no problem expressing how he felt. We moved in together quickly. The intimacy was incredible. It was like a religious experience for both of us. Sometimes sex would make both of us cry out of happiness. We discussed marriage, and children openly. None of this seems avoidant! In fact, no one in my life has given me so much attention and security as he did. It's one of many things that drew me to him. He worshipped me.
About 6 months into living together, I was triggered. He did not want to cuddle as much, which really set me off. He had moods - silent moods where I was not able to engage him in conversation, and during which times he could not be physically touched. My insecurities were triggered, and I repeatedly asked for reassurance. He responded coldly. It would have been easy for him to hug me and tell me everything was OK, but he was unable to do that. He would claim nothing was wrong, but he was unable to reassure and communication regarding this was difficult. There was a downward spiral.
Throughout all of this we still loved each other. The sex remained very emotional and incredible. There were many good moments between these conflicts.
But eventually I was anxious all the time. He couldn't handle that and distanced himself. He took a job out of town, saying I could join him after he settled his career. But he couldn't make that step of having me move out there. of course, this escalated matters even more - I was hanging on for dear life, I believed, and still believe, that he is the love of my life.
He said he loves me, he still wants all of the things we have always dreamed about, but that he does not know how to do that and succeed in his career at the same time. I should mention that he is a scientist with a new tenure track position and says that line of work demands very strict diets, meditations, and lifestyle which he found difficult while maintaining our relationship. Especially once this downward spiral had started. I was looking for reassurance constantly.
I've been reading about attachment styles. I know my behavior is anxious and his behavior became avoidant, but when we started, it was so opposite that. I don't know the best way to approach him. But I feel like knowing about these dynamics could help us to give it another try in a more educated way. I don't think our styles are very extreme, because he has a kind, emotional side and didn't in the beginning have any fear of commitment.
He did lose a parent when he was quite young, and also experienced a very painful divorce where his partner cheated on him.
What are your thoughts? Did we trigger each other to become avoidant and anxious? Is there hope for us? Any insight would be really appreciated.
So I too am trying hard to process all of it and figure out if I truly have an Anxious Attachment Style or if his Avoidant behavior just triggered it