fifi
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by fifi on Feb 28, 2018 10:54:09 GMT
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 28, 2018 15:09:08 GMT
I think they definitely sound avoidant... I’m still confused about the difference between FA and DA, to be honest.
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fifi
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by fifi on Feb 28, 2018 15:17:07 GMT
FA seems to be afraid of being abandoned by their partner but DA seems cool with it as they don’t build any closeness or attachment? Like Oh, are you leaving? Fine by me sort of attitude?
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Post by yasmin on Feb 28, 2018 17:54:40 GMT
I think DAs in general don't have an anxious side, whereas FAs are a mix of both styles depending on circumstances and triggering. I am FA and depending on the relationship I can behave and feel exactly like an AP at times whereas those feelings and behaviors are usually very foreign to a DA.
I don't think DAs are okay with being abandoned....there's a lot on these boards who are grieving relationships very hard.
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 28, 2018 19:18:21 GMT
I think DAs in general don't have an anxious side, whereas FAs are a mix of both styles depending on circumstances and triggering. I am FA and depending on the relationship I can behave and feel exactly like an AP at times whereas those feelings and behaviors are usually very foreign to a DA. I don't think DAs are okay with being abandoned....there's a lot on these boards who are grieving relationships very hard. This is interesting to me, Yasmin, because with my friend (ex, now we are “friends” I guess... there was never that actual end that I wanted.. so it’s limbo-time.. but we seem to be in the somewhat friendzone) he never actually ended things, he just..distanced until I was like “okay, I guess we’re... done?” But we have talked about the issues (he tends to just avoid questions he doesn’t want to answer) and from what I can tell, he thinks he is unlovable, that he will always mess up relationships. He retreats like crazy for large amounts of time, from everyone and everything but work. When we were together, he was very effusive irl... not so much via text/email. It feels to me (and I still honestly don’t know if he’s DA or FA) that he’s afraid of being abandoned, but that he also does a lot to push people (even friends and family) away... like he’s preemptively doing it... to weed out people he can’t trust or rely on, on his terms. And then the ones that stay are his “true” people... but they all know to give him the “we’re here if you need but we’ll stand off to the side if you don’t” treatment. It’s very perplexing to me (I love connection so much I can’t imagine being like that). Now that I’m not dependent on him for reassurance anymore (I’m not triggered atm) I am fine doing that for him. I send an occasional “I’m here for you” text but otherwise keep my distance... just so he knows I’m here but not all up in his business. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 19:41:37 GMT
I think DAs in general don't have an anxious side, whereas FAs are a mix of both styles depending on circumstances and triggering. I am FA and depending on the relationship I can behave and feel exactly like an AP at times whereas those feelings and behaviors are usually very foreign to a DA. I don't think DAs are okay with being abandoned....there's a lot on these boards who are grieving relationships very hard. Being abandoned feels normal to me, so I don't have difficulty with it. Abandoning someone I really care about feels awful and is very hard to do. If I am not very connected with the person (short term relationship), it's easy to walk away. I have only been very connected with one person in my life romantically. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 28, 2018 19:43:59 GMT
This is an interesting thread.
I've found with my FA he never really expressed any fears of abandonment, he always expressed how easy it is for him to be alone, how much he enjoys it, he also is very rejecting of me over and over- then of course he will still want to hang out over and over, so perhaps its in the actions that his fears are shown? I don't know
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 19:49:24 GMT
FA seems to be afraid of being abandoned by their partner but DA seems cool with it as they don’t build any closeness or attachment? Like Oh, are you leaving? Fine by me sort of attitude? I think this is somewhat close. It's extremely hard for me to build any attachment. In past relationships, if they threatened to leave me, I was fine with it. It didn't matter to me. My current bf is the only one that has mattered. I broke up with him, but we got back together after a long 2 months of grieving and talking about how we can make the relationship work. The whole thing is very out of character for me. |
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