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Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 0:31:31 GMT
So... my Avoidant has been ignoring me for a while. I’ve texted just so he knows we’re cool... every now and then, not more than one text a week. He’ll send back a gif or whatever... super non-committal stuff. It’s fine... I was totally getting used to it. And I was fine with the barely anything... getting stronger, being happier, knowing we may just never really talk again. Then today, apropos of nothing... I got a text that said “I had to pink-slip half my team today  “ I wasn’t going to respond... I know he has family and friends he can talk to... but I felt bad and I did... I said I was really sorry and he’s welcome to call if he needs a shoulder to vent. Nothing.... no reply. No nothing. I *think* he just wanted to see that I was still there for him... but wtf. This is such bullsh*t behavior from a grown man. I feel like I should not have responded and I’m annoyed that I did. He got the reassurance that he needed and I feel like crap because he didn’t actually want to talk he just wanted to know I would be there, because a normal friend response would be “no that’s okay, I’m okay, thank you though”... or something along those lines. . Why bother? And I’m guessing next time I should just ignore? But because it wasn’t relationship-oriented, I thought I was just being a good friend. Ugh... what is wrong with me? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 2:54:29 GMT
You were being a good friend. I am not a good initiator of texts or contact, so maybe he's not either. I don't know, but I don't see not initiating as ignoring. Your text to him didn't really require a response. My partner initiates texting probably 90% of the time.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 4:05:16 GMT
hey mary, i think you're probably right regarding initiating texting overall.
i do have a view on the pink slip text, and I just want to share it as food for thought. from my perspective, even as a secure in friendships, it feels like the other party is just "taking" from me. It's coming to me and asking for emotional intimacy and support with some oblique reason (proper sharing would be "i had to pink slip people, and it was really rough on everyone.), and not even saying thank you when they receive something. Once or twice is ok, because maybe he's really having a tough time. but if this happens multiple times, I would just think that he has poor manners and is really very self-centered.
For me, if i were genuine, it feels like I give and give from the inside of my soul and heart, and they just take and take. It's like.. you say thank you to the waiter who brings you your food even though he's paid to do it, but you can't even be arsed to say thank you to a dear friend who took the time to empathise and give effort? that's really.. just poor manners at the very least.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 5:28:00 GMT
@anxious, I agree, it's bad manners at the very least. Text anyway is a half ass way to communicate as a lot gets lost. He should have at least said thank you or something. Was just giving his possible perspective.
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Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 5:32:31 GMT
hey mary, i think you're probably right regarding initiating texting overall. i do have a view on the pink slip text, and I just want to share it as food for thought. from my perspective, even as a secure in friendships, it feels like the other party is just "taking" from me. It's coming to me and asking for emotional intimacy and support with some oblique reason (proper sharing would be "i had to pink slip people, and it was really rough on everyone.), and not even saying thank you when they receive something. Once or twice is ok, because maybe he's really having a tough time. but if this happens multiple times, I would just think that he has poor manners and is really very self-centered. For me, if i were genuine, it feels like I give and give from the inside of my soul and heart, and they just take and take. It's like.. you say thank you to the waiter who brings you your food even though he's paid to do it, but you can't even be arsed to say thank you to a dear friend who took the time to empathise and give effort? that's really.. just poor manners at the very least. Right. Because we haven’t really been texting a lot for a while (because he likes “space” and wants me to “be more chill”) I’m just confused because it came out of literally nowhere, it was just that one sentence and a sad face, and i was really upset for him. I know how hard that is for him, I immediately empathized and tried to say exactly the right thing to convey I was here, but not trying to crowd him... and then he just didn’t even send like an emoji. Nothing. So... it feels like he was just trying to make sure I *would* still be there for him, if he needed it... but that sucks because when I text.. half the time he doesn’t answer and it’s less than once a week at this point, so it’s not like I’m “overwhelming” him. It feels like he’s using me as his emotional crutch and I’m feeling very... taken advantage of, I guess. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 14:31:56 GMT
hey mary, i think you're probably right regarding initiating texting overall. i do have a view on the pink slip text, and I just want to share it as food for thought. from my perspective, even as a secure in friendships, it feels like the other party is just "taking" from me. It's coming to me and asking for emotional intimacy and support with some oblique reason (proper sharing would be "i had to pink slip people, and it was really rough on everyone.), and not even saying thank you when they receive something. Once or twice is ok, because maybe he's really having a tough time. but if this happens multiple times, I would just think that he has poor manners and is really very self-centered. For me, if i were genuine, it feels like I give and give from the inside of my soul and heart, and they just take and take. It's like.. you say thank you to the waiter who brings you your food even though he's paid to do it, but you can't even be arsed to say thank you to a dear friend who took the time to empathise and give effort? that's really.. just poor manners at the very least. Right. Because we haven’t really been texting a lot for a while (because he likes “space” and wants me to “be more chill”) I’m just confused because it came out of literally nowhere, it was just that one sentence and a sad face, and i was really upset for him. I know how hard that is for him, I immediately empathized and tried to say exactly the right thing to convey I was here, but not trying to crowd him... and then he just didn’t even send like an emoji. Nothing. So... it feels like he was just trying to make sure I *would* still be there for him, if he needed it... but that sucks because when I text.. half the time he doesn’t answer and it’s less than once a week at this point, so it’s not like I’m “overwhelming” him. It feels like he’s using me as his emotional crutch and I’m feeling very... taken advantage of, I guess. I'm sorry, I am sure it's not a good feeling. If my bf initiates a text, I will always respond, so I can see how you are in a tough spot. You want to respond and be there for him, but you don't feel good when he doesn't appreciate/respond. You are not overwhelming him, so it's on him. |
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Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 16:40:07 GMT
Anne, I just watched this. You are 100% right. After the initial heady phase (which got me addicted), we “broke up” (not really... but like I said, he just distanced himself til it was obvious) and YES! Now he is most definitely MPI Guy. I actually follow Matthew Hussey (he’s so dreamy... love that accent) but I hadn’t seen this one. Thank you...EYES ARE OPEN. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 19:38:25 GMT
This video really explains it well, I think. As MPI girl, I never thought of it as trying to keep the other person hooked. I always thought they thought of it in the same way I did, but it was very selfish. |
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Post by kristyrose on Mar 1, 2018 20:39:06 GMT
Hi madamebovary, I'm sorry you are dealing with this- does seem similar to mine in a way. My ex also texted me last night that he thinks he's getting a sore throat, but of course never asked me a single thing about myself or my day. At any rate, it is painful and I do understand how difficult it can be to NOT respond, then how hurtful it feels to get either nothing in return, or a very self-centered response. My ex used to be better and asking me how I am- but as time goes on, he has become more or less even more self-centered so it hurts. |
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Post by madamebovary on Mar 1, 2018 22:01:25 GMT
Hi madamebovary, I'm sorry you are dealing with this- does seem similar to mine in a way. My ex also texted me last night that he thinks he's getting a sore throat, but of course never asked me a single thing about myself or my day. At any rate, it is painful and I do understand how difficult it can be to NOT respond, then how hurtful it feels to get either nothing in return, or a very self-centered response. My ex used to be better and asking me how I am- but as time goes on, he has become more or less even more self-centered so it hurts. Mine used to be amazing as well... in the beginning it was much more two-sided. Now that he’s busy with work and likely stressed, I guess he’s feeling bad and doing that thing where he compartmentalizes, but if he’s not willing to put ANY effort into it, I don’t see that I have any choice but to back way off and initiate another no contact period. Someone on the Anxious forum said it’s like starting all over again. Emotionally, at least for me, that’s true. It’s like those signs in a workplace that day “23 Day with No Accidents!”... well... I just had an accident (texting him back, which makes me start thinking about him again) so... back to day Zero. |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 2, 2018 12:46:09 GMT
Nothing.... no reply. No nothing. I *think* he just wanted to see that I was still there for him... but wtf. This is such bullsh*t behavior from a grown man. I feel like I should not have responded and I’m annoyed that I did. He got the reassurance that he needed and I feel like crap because he didn’t actually want to talk he just wanted to know I would be there, because a normal friend response would be “no that’s okay, I’m okay, thank you though”... or something along those lines. .
If you're in the netherlands let's grab a drink... wtf dude.. what a boy.. You deserve a VERY sexy man 
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 2, 2018 12:48:16 GMT
Anne, I just watched this. You are 100% right. After the initial heady phase (which got me addicted), we “broke up” (not really... but like I said, he just distanced himself til it was obvious) and YES! Now he is most definitely MPI Guy. I actually follow Matthew Hussey (he’s so dreamy... love that accent) but I hadn’t seen this one. Thank you...EYES ARE OPEN. |
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Lola
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Post by Lola on Mar 2, 2018 12:49:09 GMT
Probably worst advice in the world:
Get tinderrrr and a cute outfit, do you nails guuuurl!!! Get nice boots, study and work out get sexyyy and block that little son a blat
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