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Post by badger on Mar 3, 2018 21:20:53 GMT
Hello all FA’s out there. You’re exhausting but worth it in many ways. First things first, please listen to a great tune on the push/pull of your style. Uncle Tupelo “Fifteen Keys” It’s dead on for both sides of the ledger. I’m a 55 year old man with two early 20’ kids. They’re amazing. 4 months ago I met a beautiful, funny, 45 year old with two kids, that I have grown close too. My girl and I got pretty serious right away. Too long a story to tell, but I was done and so I thought was she. She’s been divorced for 4 years and never put a guy in front of her kids. She could’ve for sure, the boys line up for her. I felt honored and blessed. Man I love this girl, but a few months ago the mixed messages hit. “You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met and I can’t believe how in love you I am.” Then the next day, “Baby steps please.” We took a 10 day romantic vaca in Cabo but when we got back, she got squirrley. After a tough month, she broke up with this explanation. “Things just didn’t work out.” I got in therapy a few weeks ago, my guy is the bomb. He pegged it right away. Fearful Avoidant he said...she’s text book. She tried her ass off with you, but the fear overtook her. Please people help, I’m crushed. The woman of my dreams, so beautiful inside, is FA. I told her she was FA the other day, but I’m not sure she has the courage to look at it. I feel terribly for all of you bc none of this your fault.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2018 14:09:33 GMT
badger, I applaud her for taking a 10 day vacation with you only after a short time together. I would never have been able to do that. About 2 years into my relationship, I took a 4 day vacation with my bf. When we got home and went back to our separate houses, I was sad, very sad that night. I was fine for about a week after and then the noticeable shift happened. I started to pull away and withdraw. I wanted to avoid the bad feeling of being sad, but it also means avoiding the good feelings of being close with that person. Even knowing that I am avoidant, I couldn't stop it. I am sorry you are going through this. It's complicated and confusing.
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Post by badger on Mar 6, 2018 17:11:03 GMT
Mary-Thanks for your thoughtful note. I’m seeing how complex and intertwined this all is. I think that you are right, she really pushed herself. Maybe it was all too much. I’m getting better at dealing, thanks to all of you. If there is anything you would like perspective on from me, I’d be so so happy to oblige. Again, thank you!
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Post by badger on Mar 14, 2018 17:35:39 GMT
Hi people,
So I need some advice if you get this in time. So, I’m meeting my recent FA ex tonight for drinks. Since she broke up with me abruptly a month ago, she has said that she’s sad and anxious, and I know she feels terrible about how things ended and that her kids feel bad about not seeing me anymore. There has been some drama including her showing up to a restaurant last Saturday with her good girlfriend, knowing that I was going to be there on a date. She stayed and watched the whole dinner and watched us the whole time. Even asked me for a hug, which I denied. She admits that she’s messed up. The whole premise of the drinks is to give each other a big hug and catch up. I’m nervous, bc I still care so much about her and I’ve told her in recent weeks I never would have left her, no matter what things she’s done in the past that’s she is not proud of. I know she’s appreciates that and that it resonated. I’m sort of at a crossroads bc I know I need to get on with my life, and don’t want to talk too deeply, but at the same time we both know that it will not be a completely innocuous meeting. Any suggestions on how to approach this will be greatly appreciated.
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Post by serene13 on Mar 14, 2018 18:21:58 GMT
These meetings are tricky - especially when you still care. She seems like she has a lot of apparent anxiety - the FA/DA I knew wouldn't be anywhere near so obvious to stare incessantly in a public place or to ask for a HUG!! No way no how.; Who came up with the drinks idea? My suggestion is to keep it as light and breezy as you can manage - not too many searching questions. Let her do most of the talking for now. I also agree with BreakingtheSpell - this can result in more hurt for you if you continue to be in her presence, the whole push/pull - I understand the desire and have been there but in the end all it did was make it harder - I believe - for both of us.
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Post by badger on Mar 14, 2018 18:26:35 GMT
Ha. Great advice. I was thinking the same thing. I have become very anxious, ruminating about when things were good and sad at times. Seems my secure attachment has taken a hit. It’s just that I never would have imagined feeling like this for anyone. I truly fell in love, and yes it was a “honeymoon” stage and this is whonshebprobablybreally is. Scary, but true. I have reached a crossroads though and am ready to move on, painful as it might be.
You are correct in that I feel as though I have lost myself in this. Very powerful and awful to feel this way. Why would she sit through an entire dinner and watch me with someone else. I would never have done that, even for one second. My friend said that showed low self esteem on her end and another said that she wanted to sabatoge things because this was a third date and she knew it. Why do I interpret instead that she must really care about me to put herself through that??
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Post by serene13 on Mar 14, 2018 18:43:47 GMT
No staring - but the last time I saw mine - he was with someone and though he was with someone, he seemed angry the whole time. Maybe he was having a bad night, even though I knew it should be a day of celebration for him;) - but I think it threw him off that I was there and he had to deal with how that made him feel - and this was after about 4 months of no contact.
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Post by badger on Mar 14, 2018 18:47:51 GMT
Wow. Ok thanks and that must’ve been very hard to see. You are much more alert about all this than me. This is my first go round with an FA. I’m a babe in the woods. I’ll make sure to make my drink a double tequila. Just kidding. Thanks again. I’ll report back!
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Post by serene13 on Mar 14, 2018 18:57:29 GMT
My first go round also - and a double shot of tequila is my downfall glad you're kidding! Good luck
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Post by badger on Mar 14, 2018 20:09:32 GMT
Hi - It was my idea for the drinks bc she wanted to meet up last minute a few times last week and it was when I was not around, and again Saturday before my date but just decided to stalk it instead. So I decided to reach out. I bet there’s a 50% chance that she bags it. There seems to be a huge control element going on here. Is that a by product of FA behavior?
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Post by serene13 on Mar 14, 2018 20:43:59 GMT
Can be - absolutely, definitely. Actually fear - the F in FA  |
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Post by devastated on Mar 15, 2018 8:27:25 GMT
My FA has blocked me on everything!
Why do FAS do this. Is it a stonewalling thing. To completely avoid you for ever?
I’d left him alone.
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Post by mrob on Mar 15, 2018 8:46:07 GMT
I haven’t blocked my last ex and it’s just awful. I did the whole stupid circling thing, and, of course, she had to move on. The temptation is there to look in the circling back process.
I’d say it isn’t you, it’s him. Again.
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Post by devastated on Mar 15, 2018 9:25:11 GMT
If I’d been contacting him I could completely understand!
He’s never blocked anyone else! So I find it completely rude!!!
I sent one text 3 weeks ago. No reply. So left it!
I called his number after I realised I was blocked on Facebook , just to see if it was blocked. And it is. He’s a grown man!!
Is it all a control thing!
I’ve been living my life quiet happily going out. Trying to just not think of him.
This has just shocked me.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2018 9:25:19 GMT
My FA has blocked me on everything! Why do FAS do this. Is it a stonewalling thing. To completely avoid you for ever? I’d left him alone. I don't know what "B"'s attachment style is...but if I had to guess.,.he is FA and he never blocked me. I think sometimes we look at attachment theory to explain all our ex's behaviors, but there is so much more to a person/relationship. The fact is, none of us can say why he blocked you...but it likely has nothing to do with you. |
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