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Post by naive1 on Aug 8, 2016 1:16:22 GMT
Hi,
I just realized that I'm Anxious-preoccupied. I hope it's not too late to change for better and make this relationship work again.
My Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant boyfriend of 10 months (we met online) went back home to the other side of the country (couldn’t get a job here so he had to go back home to take over his father’s business) and broke up with me after his 2-week drive home.
He moved here from another state and hoped to find better opportunities here. He was doing a degree online on top of his Masters and just until a month ago he was still looking for a part time job here. I live at home with my parents and he has his own apartment. I have work and it wouldn't be convenient to live with him. But I spent almost all my days off at his place and we would always wanted to hang out with each other. We always hung out with each other during our free time. We never really have any serious fights. There were no signs of any problems.
A month ago he went back home for a weekend and came back telling me he's moving back home and we have to break up. He said he has to leave for his future. I was shocked. His father wants him to help him with his business as he's retiring soon. As I said, he was still looking for a part time job here right before he visited home. It wasn't planned. He planned to stay here and he never planned to leave. If he had stayed, we'd probably still be dating. He doesn't want to do long distance and he doesn't want me to move with him. And he said that relationship can’t survive anyway. (He’s had s relationships before dating me and all of them ended when 1 partner has to leave. I know he wants to be loved, but he doesn’t seem to have faith in relationships.) I refused, so we kept dating for another month. I told him how much I love him and how much he means to me and he's irreplaceable. Then he said he felt undeserving of my love. I even helped him pack and move. Everything seemed fine and he even visited me the day before he left and we kissed and cuddled and still were together. Then he drove back home. When he broke up with me over the phone 2 weeks later, he told me that he has been thinking about breaking up ever since he decided to move back home. He told me he cried (didn’t let me know) because he’s sad that this relationship didn’t work out.
During his 2-week drive home, we barely talked and I was anxious and became extremely needy. He broke up with me once 3 days prior to the official breakup and the trigger was me yelling at him over the phone for not making time to talk. I texted him a lot for not making time to talk on the day of official breakup. He didn't really respond (often ignored) to my texts and later just called me and broke up with me over the phone that night. He said he likes me but in the long run it's better for us to break up now since he can't live with me (said I'm overbearing & controlling) and there's no point keep dating if we can't eventually live together.
I asked to be friends and he agreed. I asked to visit him and he said I can visit and we'll probably end up having sex if I visit him, but we won't date again. He said we're compatible in bed, but our personalities are not compatible. He said we fought too much (to me I thought I was just speaking louder). He said his feelings changed and doesn't think we have a future together. He said I can't move with him because I'll have no friends, job, food I like and the weather sucks there. And he said he won't ask anyone to move with him and he wouldn't have stayed for anyone. He seemed to really care for me and cared about my future. He said he's sorry that he wasted my time, but he also felt like he wasted so much effort on me. He admitted that he has own problems, too. He didn't tell me what his problems are. He said he has to be the rational one and make the hard, but right decision for us. Does that mean he thought of the emotional decision of us staying together? I asked him what he meant by compatible and what he wants, but he couldn't tell me. He told me he can’t do hook-ups and I’m welcome to come visit him for sex. And he said we'll never get back together and he doesn't want to give me any false hope. We're still attracted to each other, but he doesn't want to date me anymore. He told me to move on and get over him and not be obsessed with him. He even said that if I moved to where he lives (after my contract job assignment is done in 8 months), he’ll get a restraining order. I just don’t know why he’s so defensive even though I have never done anything abnormal in the past. I don’t know what got him to be so afraid of me…I have never threatened him or done anything crazy. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals. Like he likes me, but doesn't like me. This is confusing me. I think he felt defeated because he has to go back home (where he doesn't like), but I don't know how that contributes to our breakup.
**He gave me all these reasons why we have to break up and why I can't move with him, but I just don't know which one is the determining factor(real reason).. What do you think the determining factor was?
The day after the breakup, I asked him to give me advice on 1st date because I was talking to someone online and we arranged a date. He gave me some advice. I went on the first date and it didn't go well. I texted him asking about his life and sent him some pictures of me. He commented and asked about my date. I didn’t reply him till the next day an told him it went well. He wanted to know more about my date. I asked him what he wants to know. He didn’t reply. The next day I sent him a link to watch a show that I told him about previously. He wanted to know more details about the date. Then he told me to practice safe sex. I asked him why he's telling me this, and he just thought this would help. Again, I feel like he's sending me mixed signals again. It seems like he still cares..I got mad and told him that I cannot just forget all the memories we had and just move on quickly. I got emotional and ask him if he'll be happier to know that I've moved on and if he just want me to quickly jump on another guy. He didn't reply. We haven't talked since then. I'm doing a 30 Day NO-Contact with him now.
It was after the breakup that I started doing some research on compatibility and attachment style. And found out that a lot of problems we had was due to the fact that I'm Anxious-preoccupied and he's Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant (fear of commitment, avoiding physical closeness, needing space/distancing, alcoholic father and sick mom led to temporary neglect & childhood sexual abuse, rejection from peers/people because he couldn’t read/express emotions well, low self-esteem caused by a critical/mentally abusive mother, feeling unworthy, critical and cynical, defensive to validate his opinions to others).
I have asked several people and they all said I didn’t act that needy and I just didn’t understand why he would think I’m that needy to a point that he couldn’t stand me and have to break up with me. That’s what got me to look for some answers and found out that we didn’t intentionally try to hurt each other.
I know I’m needy and I know I need to be aware of this to better control my irrational emotions that have no actual evidence. I’m willing to work on our issues together, but I don’t know if he’ll want to though.
I’m doing this 30 day No-Contact (recommended by internet relationship coaches) and hoping it will slowly erase his negative memories toward me and increase my chance of getting back together.
I really want to be with him. We share similar values, interests, hobbies and we were comfortable with each other. He’s introverted like me and I like that. We’ve both been told by people that we look too serious and we don’t talk much. We’re similar. I understand him. I know he’s a good person who’s compassionate and treats his family and friends well.
I don’t just want to get back together with him because I’m obsessed with him or I don’t want to be alone. I have other pursuers, but they don’t have what I’m looking for. And I'm over the period of post-breakup withdrawal and doing well physically and mentally. I'm thinking logically. I don't care if I like him more and he likes me less. What's important it's we're together. I want to be with him because simply being with him makes me happy. I know that he cannot make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. I need to be more independent.
I’m willing to do anything to make this relationship work, and I know it won’t be easy.
I’m willing to tolerate all his OCDs of being clean and maintain order, his cheapness, and all of his flaws. I believe that if you really love someone, you should also accept their flaws and try to work on issues together.
I know he likes me, but he’s afraid to be in a relationship with me because he thinks I’m needy and crazy. If he knows about our attachment style, then he would understand that I’m not crazy and remove his image of me being crazy.
But if he knows about our different attachment styles, it would only further support his belief that we’re incompatible.
I was thinking if I visit often enough, we might be able to transition from friends with benefits to lovers. But I’m also afraid that we might just stay in the friends with benefits zone forever (till he finds a girlfriend in his area).
**Please help! What can I do to make him want to be in a relationship (long-distance) with me again? I’m willing to move with him if we get back together. Will the 30 day No-contact work? Should I wait 30 days and see what will happen? Or is it better to get in touch with him to talk things out? Should I visit him? If I visit him, should I have sex with him or should I just kiss/cuddle? Will having sex with him attract him again and eventually bring us back together? How can I explain to him that I'm not crazy and we both have different attachment styles and this is something we can work on & it doesn't mean we're incompatible? I don't think these "flirts/texts to get your ex back" on the internet will open him up, then how can I make him open up?
Thanks in advance! Really appreciate it!
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katy
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Post by katy on Aug 9, 2016 4:47:50 GMT
I'm sure you're still in shock about being rejected when it came out of the blue. At this early point, it's very common to think that you can do something to make the relationship continue. When your boyfriend is talking about restraining orders, I'd stay far away - you certainly don't want to get yourself into legal trouble chasing a rejecting man who chooses to enmesh himself with his dysfunctional family.
I'd be very concerned that he has chosen to go back to a dysfunctional situation. My mother was a narcissist and wanted to own and control her children, especially my brother. My brother was very dominated by my mother and even though he was married, his primary devotion was always to my mother, not to his wife. It was clear that my brother treated his wife as a second-class citizen because his primary loyalty was always to my mother.
Imagining that you could have a happy relationship with somebody who voluntarily chose to go back to a dysfunctional family is probably unrealistic. In fact, my first thought was, who's going to do the restraining order - him or his mother?
Two resources which might help you:
Dr. Helen Fisher - she has many articles and videos about her studies about how the brain responds to love rejection. She gives many strategies for recovery.
Susan Peabody has books and a good Web site about how to recover from love addiction and let go of a rejecting person.
Good luck and please don't let yourself get entangled in a really bad situation.
Katy
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Aug 9, 2016 22:35:31 GMT
Hi naive1, **He gave me all these reasons why we have to break up and why I can't move with him, but I just don't know which one is the determining factor(real reason).. What do you think the determining factor was? The determining factor was that he has an avoidant attachment type. You could probably have done some things to make the relationship last longer, but I don't think you could have done anything that would have led to a healthy relationship with this guy. I didn’t reply him till the next day an told him it went well. He wanted to know more about my date. I asked him what he wants to know. He didn’t reply. I think he was just jealous. He could not reply to your question because the answer would have shown he was jealous. I think he wanted to know if you had sex with the other guy. He wanted to know more details about the date. Then he told me to practice safe sex. I asked him why he's telling me this, and he just thought this would help. I think he told you that hoping your answer would tell him if you had sex with the other guy or not. I don't think it was to help you at all, he only wanted to hear "don't worry, we used a condom" or "don't worry, we didn't have sex", so he could know what happened between you and the other guy. I got mad and told him that I cannot just forget all the memories we had and just move on quickly. I got emotional and ask him if he'll be happier to know that I've moved on and if he just want me to quickly jump on another guy. He didn't reply. We haven't talked since then. Doing this made it clear for him that he's more important to you than the other guy. Which probably scared him a little bit and cancelled his jealousy. I know I’m needy and I know I need to be aware of this to better control my irrational emotions that have no actual evidence. I’m willing to work on our issues together, but I don’t know if he’ll want to though. It's very common in all the stories we can read here and elsewhere. The preoccupied person realizes he/she has some issues too, and wants to fix the relationship and make some efforts, while the avoidant wants to escape. But not being needy would probably not have made things better. You would just have lost more time with him. I’m doing this 30 day No-Contact (recommended by internet relationship coaches) and hoping it will slowly erase his negative memories toward me and increase my chance of getting back together. It may be too late, you showed him that you are very attached emotionally to him. He probably thinks of you, consciously or not, as a dangerous person because of that. I really want to be with him. We share similar values, interests, hobbies and we were comfortable with each other. He’s introverted like me and I like that. We’ve both been told by people that we look too serious and we don’t talk much. We’re similar. I understand him. I know he’s a good person who’s compassionate and treats his family and friends well. I do not know a lot of avoidant people, but I never met an avoidant who is genuinely compassionate towards others. Usually, they display a fake personality that allows them to be seen as good people by others, but it is not what they really are under the surface. I asked to be friends and he agreed. I asked to visit him and he said I can visit and we'll probably end up having sex if I visit him, but we won't date again. He said we're compatible in bed, but our personalities are not compatible.Don't make that mistake. If you do that, he will just get what he wants, ie sex, and push you away for everything else. It would show him that you're ready to do anything to spend some time with him. Which is the opposite of not being needy. He told me he can’t do hook-ups and I’m welcome to come visit him for sex. And he said we'll never get back together and he doesn't want to give me any false hope. We're still attracted to each other, but he doesn't want to date me anymore. He told me to move on and get over him and not be obsessed with him. He even said that if I moved to where he lives (after my contract job assignment is done in 8 months), he’ll get a restraining order. So sex is OK, but don't get too close, otherwise he will get a restraining order. I think it's time for you to realize that you should be the one running away from him. I was thinking if I visit often enough, we might be able to transition from friends with benefits to lovers. I think it will never happen. You will just lose more time and will finally realize he was just using you for sex. |
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Post by naive1 on Aug 11, 2016 5:38:12 GMT
Hi, thank you for your thoughts.
I just want to clarify:
I feel like there was lots of misunderstanding between us that made him think I'm "crazy." I really wish I have a chance to explain myself.
I really want him to understand I'm not crazy..and I want him to apologize for calling me crazy..that was rude and disrespectful..
His dad used to be alcoholic (when he was little), but not anymore. And his mother had breast cancer, but she's healthy now.
I don't know what his family situation is like now. But his mom said she regrets marrying his dad. I don't know if she was serious about that.
It sounded to me that his father might be an avoidant, too. Maybe that can cause the marriage to be unhappy.
I just never thought he would bring up Restraining Order. I'm so hurt from him saying that. Like he thinks I'm dangerous. All I did was visiting him and helping him pack and move before he left...I'm so shocked that he could go from a loving boyfriend to someone who threatens me with a Restraining Order in such a short period of time (within 2 weeks).
I just can't believe how he could decide to leave all of a sudden..for his future..and he told me that me "treating him poorly" made it easier for him to decide to leave...Why did he have to say that? It wasn't true. He left for his own future, but somehow blaming me for it..
I have no idea how I made him leave...this has never happened to me before...
My first ex left to go to grad school in another state, but he never said that I made him choose to go far away for grad school...and I know it wasn't.. it was because schools here are too competitive..
how can people say things like that without thinking about how the other person will feel?
I really don't know what happened during the week he visited home..somehow his dad convinced him..and he just decided that I wasn't worth it..
It's shocking how someone you love can turn their back on you like that...not because you did anything terrible...
In fact, I have not done anything crazy to him.. so I don't know why he would want to get a Restraining Order..where does that even come from?
During these past 2 months, I just felt like I was sitting there at work working hard, then all of a sudden all these things just happened to me.. and I have no idea why...like being struck by an some trash from outer-space..
How does he not feel bad doing this? When I met up with him after he texted me he's leaving, I really can't tell from his face/body language/tone that he felt bad...maybe he doesn't...But I feel bad for asking for his attention...I'm reflecting on my mistakes..
He doesn't feel bad about anything he's done in this relationship..he didn't want to talk about what went wrong...I really want to know though..
I feel like he just blamed me for everything, like he was the victim and didn't do anything wrong to contribute to the breakup..
He even told me he hates how his mom is critical and controlling, but he's becoming like his mom and criticizing everything..
I'm just utterly confused...because he used to be so nice to me...I just don't know what went wrong/what changed..and he wouldn't tell me..
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Aug 11, 2016 10:47:52 GMT
I'm very sorry that all of this has happened to you. I just posted an article about Patterns of Avoidant Relationships in the Dismissive Avoidant Forum. I think that article may help you to begin to understand what happened to you:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/75/patterns-avoidant-relationships
The way you were treated looks like how avoidants leave relationships. In your case, it seems as though the time between the apparently good relationship and total withdrawal was extremely short. Also, it's very unlikely that you'll ever get any closure. Post-break-up shunning seems to be very common with avoidants who have rejected you.
I think that when you get further way from all of this, you'll see that you dodged a bullet. From the outside, this fellow is too connected to a dysfunctional family. It's clear that they put some kind of pressure on him when he was visiting and he caved in and threw his whole life away to "obey" them. My suspicion is that his parents don't approve of him having a girlfriend, so, to please them, you had to be gone. From the outside, he appears very weak and dependent on his parents. If he were independent of his dysfunctional parents, when they demanded that he throw his life away, he would have said no.
His family of an alcoholic father and a cruel, critical (narcissistic?) mother set him up for very bad relationship behavior. If he had gotten lots of counseling and had become his own man, he wouldn't be getting himself enmeshed again. He would know that these people are not healthy for him and he would remain independent of them. The fact that he totally caved into them and then threatened you with a restraining order is horrible. You don't need to have any connection with these really odd people. If they're already threatening you with a restraining order, I'm sure that they would be happy to get you in lots of trouble if you continue to try to have a relationship with their son. As Raco said, with these people, run as fast as you can in the other direction.
It's cold comfort now, but as you gain some perspective, you'll realize that you were lucky to end a relationship with a weak, cruel man before you got more entangled with him. Thank goodness you didn't marry him and don't have children - you avoided any permanent relationship with some very dysfunctional people (I'm purposefully saying people because this fellow is obviously very tied to his parents and they clearly run his life). Now, you have a chance to move on and to get involved with a strong, kind man.
Best wishes,
Katy
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Aug 11, 2016 13:03:25 GMT
I feel like there was lots of misunderstanding between us that made him think I'm "crazy." I really wish I have a chance to explain myself. There was no misunderstanding. Your ex needs to believe this is all your fault and he will believe this no matter what the truth is. It's tempting to try to explain yourself to him using logic, but logic would probably have no effect on him. His reaction is emotional, even though he's trying to rationalize it. Calling you crazy and threatening you of getting a restraining order could be part of the rationalization process. Of course, if someone should be called crazy, it would rather be him. Being criticized, falsely accused, and then being left with no explanation, it's the common lot of people dating avoidants. It's unfair and painful, but like Katy said, at least it's over now. This experience is an opportunity to gain knowledge about avoidants, which will help you recognize them quickly in the future. |
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Post by naive1 on Aug 12, 2016 3:21:11 GMT
Thank you guys for the feedback!
Some observations I made by looking through our texts from the beginning:
At the beginning of the relationship, I was irritated because he asked me out on multiple dates but didn't show initiatives (unable to express emotions/affections well). I didn't know if he liked me or not. I got mad, then he explained to me that he moved too slow, then we finally started dating.
And there are times that I made jokes that made him feel like I didn't want him anymore, he would get very upset and ask me if I'm abandoning him (fear of abandonment).
So there were obvious signs of these fearful-avoidant behaviors from the beginning of the relationship, it was just that I didn't know these behaviors were the signs.
When he traveled back home (the trip home that made him decide to leave), I called multiple times when he was at the airport, because he had ignored my texts for hours. I just wanted to see what he was doing and didn't know he was at the security point. He texted me "Fuck you" and said that because I kept calling, he had to hold his phone and it was interrupting him getting through the security point...
I might be guilty of calling him..but I just didn't know he would react this way...I was shocked..
And before this, around mid June, he texted me asking me "how was your day?" and I was tired from work and didn't feel like texting too much and just said "isn't it obvious I was at work". To me, I didn't know it sounded mean. I just wanted convey that I had a regular, boring work day. He texted me "fuck you" "you always ask me to ask about your day, and when I do, you don't even talk about your day"..
Again, I might be guilty of not the best behavior, it was just shocking he would straight out cursing at me like that for things, I personally think, wouldn't provoke such strong emotions...I just didn't know what was going on...
And I just realized that no matter how much appreciation I showed him, he didn't really care...But he did react very strongly when I displayed any negative emotions...
And once, at the beginning of the relationship, we were deciding on where to meet at for lunch the next day. I told him I have work in the afternoon so I wanted to go somewhere not so far away. He insisted going to somewhere further away, and just sent me a pic of google map's traffic & estimated driving time and told me that I would definitely make it to work on time. I tried to tell him that I just didn't want to risk getting to work late or having to drive under a time pressure which isn't safe. He didn't care and just said "we always do what you wanted, never what I wanted". This went on for another half an hour until he finally agreed. The next day we met up and he was acting really distant and cold. I tried to sit next to him and initiate some physical contact (holding his hand, grabbing his arm, touching his back) and he would just ignore me. And he barely talked to me...Before we left, we sat in his car and I started crying because he was acting so cold. Then he started crying saying that he's sad that he can't make me happy...
I was just confused...I don't know what makes him think that he can't make me happy...if he wasn't acting cold to me, then I wouldn't be unhappy..which I think it wasn't that hard to act nicer to me...
Why did that make him that unhappy? Just a choice of a restaurant? Was it worth it for him to act out that way to me? Because we didn't go where he wanted to go to? I was really shocked....
Now I think of it, there were a lot of "shocking" moments dating him...including the move and the breakup
I might be blunt and straightforward, but I've always been good at telling him exactly what I wanted..But he never told me what he wanted and just bottled it up until his emotions exploded...I wish he could have told me what he really wanted....I really wish he would have told me that he was this unhappy in this relationship earlier...
What do you guys think?
Talking to you really helps! Thanks!
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Aug 12, 2016 4:16:51 GMT
I'll make this short. What do I think:
He's immature, non-collaborative, unpleasant, controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive ...
Please know that good, nice, mature men don't act like that. They logically negotiate which restaurant make the most sense that day based on both people's schedules, not act like a spoiled child because they didn't get their way.
They mute their phone going through security and then later call you and the two of you discuss a better plan in the future for you contacting him when he's traveling.
They certainly don't curse at you - that is emotionally abusive.
You absolutely dodged a bullet that he's gone. You can find somebody who treats you well and has an interest in building a good, collaborative relationship, not being immature and controlling.
You might want to read about Steven Covey's theory of the Emotional Bank Account which outlines how people in relationships should always act kindly towards each other. That's how my husband and I operate and it works very well.
And, on top of all of the rest, he's in the clutches of his dysfunctional family and is threatening you with a restraining order. You have a much better life out there with somebody else.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by naive1 on Aug 12, 2016 4:52:01 GMT
Yeah..I think you're right..
He told me one of his ex told him that her friends said that he didn't treat her right..
He said that it was nonsense because her friends were just saying something crazy and don't really know him..
I think his ex's friends were right... He probably didn't treat her right...
His ex was sending out the signal for help...and he thinks she's crazy and broke up with her...
He left me so confused with so many questions...and I'm just trying to find answers....
Are there even any answers?
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Aug 13, 2016 13:54:22 GMT
Before we left, we sat in his car and I started crying because he was acting so cold. Then he started crying saying that he's sad that he can't make me happy... That's interesting. I wonder if he really felt sad for you, or for him, and if this is because he's a fearful-avoidant instead of dismissive-avoidant. But at least he can feel emotions. |
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Post by naive1 on Aug 13, 2016 22:05:13 GMT
Before we left, we sat in his car and I started crying because he was acting so cold. Then he started crying saying that he's sad that he can't make me happy... That's interesting. I wonder if he really felt sad for you, or for him, and if this is because he's a fearful-avoidant instead of dismissive-avoidant. But at least he can feel emotions. Hi raco, Yeah, I don't know why he said he cried because he's sad he couldn't make me happy.. After the breakup, he also said that he cried because he's sad that the relationship didn't work out (he didn't let me know he cried, he said he was just packing by himself and he was crying alone).. And all of these confuse me because he seems to be the one sabotaging the relationship (acting cold on purpose, choosing to leave) and he's sad about the relationship being sabotaged? Was he contradicting himself? Who was he crying for? If he was sad about the relationship ending, then why did he end it in the 1st place? |
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Aug 13, 2016 23:13:08 GMT
I still think that there's something about his going back to his parents that has to do with him being forced to end the relationship with you. Did they not accept that he was allowed to have a relationship (that's common with dysfunctional families-they are jealous of their children being independent and want total emotional control over their children), did they have somebody local that they expected him to get involved with, did he realize that you are too independent and well-balanced and that you wouldn't submit to his parents control? The litany of complaints that he knew that he would hear if his parents couldn't control you might have terrified him. I know this sounds like fantasy, but my mother was very controlling and was extremely jealous of my brother's girlfriends. The only woman that she finally agreed to let my brother marry was a very mouse-like, compliant woman who always took the back seat to my mother's demands.
He may be feeling very defeated that he has given in to going back to his parents. Dysfunctional families are often very unpleasant and confusing and he may be aware enough to realize that he's selling out his independence.
If he matures (from what you described, he sounds very demanding and immature) and decides to become an independent man who makes his own way in life, then he might make a good partner. But, you can't do any of that for him, he needs to take charge and stand up to his parents, figure out how to be independent, and get help to learn how to successfully be in a relationship.
Since all of this is pretty chancy, it's probably best that you move on and find a kind, mature man who will be kind to you.
Katy |
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Post by naive1 on Aug 14, 2016 1:51:29 GMT
I still think that there's something about his going back to his parents that has to do with him being forced to end the relationship with you. Did they not accept that he was allowed to have a relationship (that's common with dysfunctional families-they are jealous of their children being independent and want total emotional control over their children), did they have somebody local that they expected him to get involved with, did he realize that you are too independent and well-balanced and that you wouldn't submit to his parents control? The litany of complaints that he knew that he would hear if his parents couldn't control you might have terrified him. I know this sounds like fantasy, but my mother was very controlling and was extremely jealous of my brother's girlfriends. The only woman that she finally agreed to let my brother marry was a very mouse-like, compliant woman who always took the back seat to my mother's demands.
He may be feeling very defeated that he has given in to going back to his parents. Dysfunctional families are often very unpleasant and confusing and he may be aware enough to realize that he's selling out his independence.
If he matures (from what you described, he sounds very demanding and immature) and decides to become an independent man who makes his own way in life, then he might make a good partner. But, you can't do any of that for him, he needs to take charge and stand up to his parents, figure out how to be independent, and get help to learn how to successfully be in a relationship.
Since all of this is pretty chancy, it's probably best that you move on and find a kind, mature man who will be kind to you.
Katy Hi Katy, His mother always disliked his girlfriends. She only said good things about them after they broke up. He knows that his mother won't like any girl he dates. He even told him mother that and she admitted that it's true. So he told me he didn't really talk to his mother about me. His mother kept telling his sister to break up with her boyfriend who lives in another state who only has a 2 year-degree. His mother hates his sister's boyfriend so much. (Funny thing: his sister actually recently graduated and moved to be another state to be with her boyfriend that her mom hates so much). His sister has the guts to just move like that against her mother and she never listens to her mom. My ex is different and he's always been obedient to his mother. --> I guess personality really plays a role here. Even though they're siblings raised in the same environment, one is extremely mischievous and the other very obedient. She's very strict and critical and never seems satisfied with anything my ex does. I think he is becoming like her. Sometimes he criticized me for not keeping things clean because of his OCDs of being clean (learned that from his mom). He even admitted to me that he's aware that his OCDs are too much, but he can't help it. |
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Aug 14, 2016 3:17:35 GMT
I knew his mother had her part in the plot. You didn't have to do anything except exist - she rejected you (and influenced him break up with you) because she won't allow the son she controls to be involved with a competitor. I also really do believe that the restraining order idea was something that she suggested - controlling families tend to be very insular.
You're right about children reacting differently - my brother clung to my mother and always lived within a few minutes of her while I left for college at 16 and never went back. When my brother went away to college, he was so homesick that he travelled 800 miles back home just two weeks after he went to college. He barely lasted his first semester, sunk into a total depression, dropped out of college, and came home, never to leave my mother again. My fear is that you may be dealing with a similar type.
I think I've read that OCD can be a reaction to a traumatic upbringing. Has he even attempted to have it treated?
It's easier said than done, but I do hope that you can realize that what happened to you may have had many reasons that were never explained to you. People in dysfunctional families are driven by so many strange, difficult impulses and tend to be very difficult to deal with and to understand.
Good luck.
Katy
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Post by naive1 on Aug 14, 2016 4:38:32 GMT
I knew his mother had her part in the plot. You didn't have to do anything except exist - she rejected you (and influenced him break up with you) because she won't allow the son she controls to be involved with a competitor. I also really do believe that the restraining order idea was something that she suggested - controlling families tend to be very insular.
You're right about children reacting differently - my brother clung to my mother and always lived within a few minutes of her while I left for college at 16 and never went back. When my brother went away to college, he was so homesick that he travelled 800 miles back home just two weeks after he went to college. He barely lasted his first semester, sunk into a total depression, dropped out of college, and came home, never to leave my mother again. My fear is that you may be dealing with a similar type.
I think I've read that OCD can be a reaction to a traumatic upbringing. Has he even attempted to have it treated?
It's easier said than done, but I do hope that you can realize that what happened to you may have had many reasons that were never explained to you. People in dysfunctional families are driven by so many strange, difficult impulses and tend to be very difficult to deal with and to understand.
Good luck.
Katy
Hi Katy, I don't think he has ever attempted to treat his OCDs. It makes sense that he left for a better financial future and to be close to his family. I don't know how much his mother is involved. He told me that actually his dad wants him to go back. I really think he decided to leave for himself. Unfortunate for me...He told me he will get his own apartment and his dad told to not listen to his mom asking him to live at home.. I asked him if his parents said anything about us after they decided for him to come back. He said they just assume we'll break up. I was shocked by how cold his family was and how he was so fine with that. He really just listens to whatever his family tells him to do without questioning it. Or at least think about if he's ok with all these decisions. I admit I'm not so obedient and if I feel I don't agree with something, I will make sure to speak up about it. I just don't like to blindly follow without having a good reason to. Maybe that's something he dislikes about me. Speaking up too much and not obedient enough. Maybe that's why he thinks we're not compatible. I'm sad that he would just want a girlfriend who will listen to everything he says. Really? That's not healthy! It's not right! I thought he's not like that! He did tell me that maybe he should date someone more passive/submissive. And told me I should date someone more passive/submissive, too. He thinks I'm too dominant/domineering.. so not agreeing with everything makes me dominant/domineering? What does dominant/domineering even mean? Was it wrong to express my opinion? Should I just be quiet, nod, and smile and say "yes" to everything even if I don't agree with it? Really? It's the 21st century and what about equality? It's just shocking because he claimed to be a liberal, but I think deeply inside he's still very traditional/conservative. And he thinks we fought too much because of our compatibility/personality. I don't think that's true. I think these were problems due to poor communication, not compatibility. Arguments can be mediated. Issues can be resolved. I don't know why he simply just labeled our relationship as destined to fail. I frustrated that he always said I have double standards. But in fact, he also had a lot of his double standards, and of course, he was not gonna admit that. I just don't like how he put an end to our relationship like this. Like he took no responsibility for any of our issues. Simply blame it on our compatibility --> Then we should all quit our jobs right now if we don't like our boss or co-workers (not compatible). We should just give up on things if there are any issues, instead of trying to solve problems. Simply walk away from it... I moved to this country when I was 14 and I literally started with nothing. I worked hard to get into a good university. Left home very far away for college and I didn't know anyone. I wasn't afraid. I chose to leave home far away. I had to look out for myself. My parents didn't even send me away to college. I am a hard worker and I believe that hard work can help me reach my goal. Apparently that doesn't apply to everything in life. I really tried hard to make him happy, to make things work. I just don't think I deserve this kind of ending. I still remember something my high school counselor told us to motivate us. She asked "how much do you want it? and what are you willing to do for it?" And even until today, I still live by that. I really want this relationship and I'm willing to do anything for it.. But..yeah... I tried.. I really did.. I just want to know if I did something wrong.... or was it something that I really cannot do anything about it to save it? |
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