Books and other resources

My favorite resource is a podcast that deals with attachment. Its called Journey of Attachment by Tracy Crossley.

Ive gotten a lot out of it. She never suggests leaving your situation unless you are ready to. Instead she suggests working on yourself and not blaming the other person because we have a choice to stay or leave.

www.tracycrossley.com/podcast/

I also read the book Attached a few times.

Thank you for your suggestions!

ocarina  it would be a life changer for you too.  It's basically about (in short) that we have a true nature, a deepest self where a lot of our most beautiful gifts lie but that these spaces in us are also our most vulnerable spots.  The areas around which we have the most joy and the most pain.  And often we have relationships (dating and otherwise) where our core nature is either ridiculed or taken advantage of or we are made to feel shame, so we learn to feel it's something to hide and so when we date we do so with a "false self".

It's very difficult to explain, but for people like you and me who have a very predominant "false self" or the fantasy we think people want, it's about connecting to the real you and leading with that so you actually find real connection.  It's been the most difficult book I have ever read, but I was crying from cover to cover and felt like I understood something really important about myself by the time I was finished.

I think this book is good for anyone to read, but especially for people with attachment disorders, because this idea of "false self" is very closely linked to attachment theory.  He also talks a lot about how people push away lovers they see as available and explains why.  One thing he says, interestingly, is that he doesn't think there is any such thing as an attachment disorder because. according to him, EVERYONE is afraid of being vulnerable /abandoned / hurt - but the difference is that some people choose to overcome the fear and act in different ways.  Which he says is all about loving yourself and being okay with being vulnerable.

It's a different slant, but very, very helpful.

getting out of this rut has been a huge step forward for me!
it goes along with the "saying what i am thinking" thread i posted when i came here.
my DA partner is also a huge pleaser- you'd think as avoidant it wouldn't be that way but it's about the insecurity, not being connected to the authentic self. Not being ok with being genuine. Not knowing who we are, even. How can you express what you aren't in touch with? it seems like i have been looking for the real me for many years, and i know i have made a lot of headway. But i think it's a life long process to peel back layers. it seems so.

I agree this sounds like a good book for everyone yasmin, thank you for sharing.

I have the book and am delving into chapter one - the author suggests finding a "buddy" to work through it together and I wondered if anyone on here would be interested? Most of my ~IRL friends are either partnered or not close enough to fit the bill - feel free to PM me if you're keen - maybe an online discussion group or something would work.