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Post by howpredictable on Jul 23, 2017 21:10:56 GMT
This forum entertains me because so many AP individuals shame dismisives for refusing to learn about avoidant attachment, yet come to these forms to have their feelings validated,complain about failed relationships, while never looking in the mirror.... Just to be clear, I don't happen to share this sentiment or viewpoint by learningalongtheway. But it reminded me of a thread I had seen on eNotAlone, which may interest some of you:
www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374453
At one point there are a series of posts by Sim54, who also seems adamant to have Anxious Attachment partners "look in the mirror" about their own role in the relationship.
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Post by learningalongtheway on Jul 24, 2017 5:09:41 GMT
I think it's odd to blame failed relationships on individuals with "personality defects" while absoving oneself of any responsibility. e.x. "throw you away and never look back when you haven't done anything wrong and there haven't been any irreconcilable differences." But hey we can agree to disagree. I'm not sure if something struck a nerve with you here, but this place is where people on all sides of the attachment spectrum come to learn, vent and understand about what they have experienced. In other words, it shouldn't be surprising to see emotional responses that don't come off as objective as they could be... you also shouldn't be surprised that the majority of society would likely be hurt or offended by the actions and responses of avoidants. They aren't bad people but they unintentionally hurt others more than they can realize. By their very nature they don't get impacted as much as others do because they have mastered inter-personal coping mechanisms. I can see why you'd see it that way but... I encourage you to try and not take some Of these things here personally like I fear you may have. Oh it's definitely not surprising. And I'm not taking anything here personally. I'm just trying to prevent this place from sliding into a space full of self-congratulatory behavior from APs where no progress is made. I could have been more tactful, but I think everyone will survive lol. I am thankful this space has allowed me to understand more about attachment theory. It's great for beginning the identify attachment styles but falls short in helping DAs learn actionable items that will help their relationships (ex. not enough DAs to discuss things, no traffic on AP forum, etc). All I can do is go out into the world and try. Goodbye and goodluck! |
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Post by howpredictable on Jul 24, 2017 13:22:41 GMT
I am thankful this space has allowed me to understand more about attachment theory. It's great for beginning the identify attachment styles but falls short in helping DAs learn actionable items that will help their relationships (ex. not enough DAs to discuss things, no traffic on AP forum, etc). All I can do is go out into the world and try. Goodbye and goodluck! I am DA also, and I agree that the Forum tends to be top-heavy in AP contributors, which is not surprising. For people on the DA/FA side of the discussion, there are few others with this attachment style posting, and precious little that information that helps.
But this is true of any Forum where one group tends to be the recipient / object of poor behavior by the other. I am a member of other Forums on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (having dated both and have N-traits myself) and there is the same skew evident there. Trust me, it's not a warm/fuzzy place if you happen to suffer from one of these personality disorders.
I gather you are leaving the Forum because you don't find it useful, but perhaps you can shift your focus instead to what you might add to it: Maybe stick around at least a bit longer to serve as a resource for those AP who have questions about how DAs think and respond to AP-instigated triggers. I sense that they find that kind of information very helpful.
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Post by lurker on Aug 16, 2017 9:21:19 GMT
Oh it's definitely not surprising. And I'm not taking anything here personally. I'm just trying to prevent this place from sliding into a space full of self-congratulatory behavior from APs where no progress is made. I could have been more tactful, but I think everyone will survive lol. I am thankful this space has allowed me to understand more about attachment theory. It's great for beginning the identify attachment styles but falls short in helping DAs learn actionable items that will help their relationships (ex. not enough DAs to discuss things, no traffic on AP forum, etc). All I can do is go out into the world and try. Goodbye and goodluck!
Imagine that, folks. The Dismissive Avoidant gets criticized, then comes up with a bunch of arguments for why they actually don't want to be here anyway because it's inadequate for their needs, claims to have taken none of it personally, denies the possibility of having hurt the feelings of others, and leaves. Who'd have thunk? |
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Post by aisling on Aug 18, 2017 0:43:15 GMT
I'm not sure if something struck a nerve with you here, but this place is where people on all sides of the attachment spectrum come to learn, vent and understand about what they have experienced. In other words, it shouldn't be surprising to see emotional responses that don't come off as objective as they could be... you also shouldn't be surprised that the majority of society would likely be hurt or offended by the actions and responses of avoidants. They aren't bad people but they unintentionally hurt others more than they can realize. By their very nature they don't get impacted as much as others do because they have mastered inter-personal coping mechanisms. I can see why you'd see it that way but... I encourage you to try and not take some Of these things here personally like I fear you may have. Oh it's definitely not surprising. And I'm not taking anything here personally. I'm just trying to prevent this place from sliding into a space full of self-congratulatory behavior from APs where no progress is made. I could have been more tactful, but I think everyone will survive lol. I am thankful this space has allowed me to understand more about attachment theory. It's great for beginning the identify attachment styles but falls short in helping DAs learn actionable items that will help their relationships (ex. not enough DAs to discuss things, no traffic on AP forum, etc). All I can do is go out into the world and try. Goodbye and goodluck! learningalongtheway, my goodness, right on board with you! Maybe not with the tone of your message, but the content:-). I skew towards AP, but have definitely played out my fair share of more typically avoidant behaviors when with people who are more secure (although I was extremely self-aware of my distancing, just couldn't stop myself... who knows, not super important). I'm assuming you want better relationships (whatever that means to YOU) and maybe feel alienated or shamed or not accepted here. I'm sorry about that. I hope you keep posting! Anyways, my point: I have learned a heck of a lot about my own sometimes-neurotic protest behaviors from DAs on this forum, and in the end, it has helped me immensely! I think you actually called me on my BS once, and it helped me to see that my version of safety and love is NOT the same as someone who's avoidant and that I shouldn't expect someone to be my emotional clone. No idea I was doing that because I spun it as "but I'm super caring and a nurturing and I'm just trying to get him to see that if he opened up like I wanted him to he would feel so much better." Yeah. Misguided. So thanks for asking APs to look in the mirror. Maybe you could've said it more tactfully;-), but meh, the emotional message was all the same. I'd say my overall satisfaction and sense of inner-peace is a lot higher than before-although still not nearly where I want it to be- exactly because I checked myself/called myself out on my own behaviors. I took responsibility. Part of taking responsibility, of course, is recognizing when your relationship needs are simply incompatible. This may sound judgmental, but sometimes I think a lot of APs project their own agency onto DAs, and that can come across as complaining and shaming and blaming the DA without looking into the mirror or recognizing the fact that they have control over what type of relationship they're in. I mean, we're both playing out the childhood dance and rehashing painful dynamics and not getting what we want. I think empathy is lacking on both sides. |
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