Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2018 4:49:30 GMT
hi, just introducing myself.
my attachment style is avoidant, dismissive. i'm in therapy for it, recently, but avoiding that right now. just too much pain to be honest. i've taken several tests to try to come out as some other attachment style and it doesn't work. This is because i don't want to be this way and thought i was more anxious because i want connection and love but really i am just a hurt and confused dismissive. I have learned that what constitutes a meaningful relationship to an avoidant is grossly inadequate for an anxiously attached person, and that's where the clarity comes in for me. my idea of a relationship is definitely suited to an avoidant. also there are lots of factors that affect how we relate so i guess attachment theory is an important angle but not the whole view.
my self esteem is good and i don't find it to be a reflection of my worth if someone treats me badly , it just hurts and makes me mad because i don't feel i deserve it. i've not had any relationships that weren't brutal towards me, but i went into them as a dismissive so i guess my expectations were low. i have always thought of a relationship as a kind of practical thing with companionship and shared objectives so a lack of closeness wasn't a red flag. I always was just kind of filling a wife role. Red flags that would have tipped off violence or abuse to someone not raised by a narcissist, didn't register with me- i thought i just had to calm the crazy person down. Nope.
i recently was in a relationship with someone who i thought was avoidant (i was relieved after AP dynamics) also but honestly , i am disappointed to say, he was probably a narcissist. I liked him for several reasons but a big plus was i know my independence is an issue for most men, and he seemed to want the parallel kind of life i want- monogamy, companionship, lots of autonomy without suspicion or insecurity, etc. Turns out he was just exploitative and only wanted what he wanted and would say anything to get it. I do feel exploited but i am aware of the boundaries i needed to develop to protect myself. So i developed those boundaries once my denial broke and i ended the relationship brutally. I don't like to be mean but don't mind doing what i need to change direction, and it was probably a long time coming.
I am hurt and upside down, i never have cared so much or tried so sincerely to love.
I'm surprised at what happened to me in that relationship, as i mostly have been involved with AP's. i have never felt sad leaving a relationship before, i felt relief. this time it gutted me and im not sure i see him in a realistic light, the good or the bad. i will probably get a balanced perspective over time but i am mostly trying to deal with what happened inside of me. i am making progress.
I felt anxious and confused in the relationship with this man, and am still confused but not anxious since i ended it. I don't know what happened but something in me got really triggered by him and i lost my bearings. I thought i loved him and sometimes i think i still do, but in a confused and disillusioned way. the whole thing was kind of an illusion i think.
I have had a lot of insight since i broke up with him after a year of ups and downs. I realized that i was able to connect with him even tho he didn't treat me well consistently because i was raised in a home devoid of empathy, and anything less than outright abuse can be acceptable to me, it's all i know in an intimate relationship, is abuse. I have a low bar, i see it now. The ability to be a fortress of solitude helps me tolerate intolerable situations but i'm done with that crap.
I don't think i am unworthy of love- i think i give the benefit of the doubt too much and have a high tolerance for behavior that others might find appalling. it's life long conditioning. i'm working on paying attention to internal cues to not stuff feelings down and deal with situations as they occur, honestly. thats actually why i left. One day i felt extremely hurt and angry about his behavior and i listened to that instead of soldiering on and fought back. i've always had to smile and nod and calm angry people down and keep the peace and i don't do that any more. i'm over it.
So, i am glad that i have grown to the point of realizing love doesn't have to hurt like that. i am embarrassed that i could have developed such feelings for someone who turned out to be so cruel. But i don't want to talk about him, i am focusing on what i can learn and how i can heal and grow.
I am doing a lot of work to be present to my feelings as they happen and that's hard but i am not as avoidant as i used to be.
i sometimes am in so much pain i feel i can't bear it but i stick with myself and come out the other side.
I am confused about myself and have read here. some of it is helpful.
I do notice that the anxious on this site can be pretty brutal in their assessment of avoidant behavior, and get extremely sensitive if the tables turn and they are called out for their demeaning language and dysfunctional relating. I don't like that at all.
but there are different levels of awareness and personal responsibility depending on where a person's at. im sure i will offend some but i guess that goes both ways here so i'm ok with it. Anxious and avoidants aren't known for seeing eye to eye.
Anyway, i'm figuring things out for myself.
my attachment style is avoidant, dismissive. i'm in therapy for it, recently, but avoiding that right now. just too much pain to be honest. i've taken several tests to try to come out as some other attachment style and it doesn't work. This is because i don't want to be this way and thought i was more anxious because i want connection and love but really i am just a hurt and confused dismissive. I have learned that what constitutes a meaningful relationship to an avoidant is grossly inadequate for an anxiously attached person, and that's where the clarity comes in for me. my idea of a relationship is definitely suited to an avoidant. also there are lots of factors that affect how we relate so i guess attachment theory is an important angle but not the whole view.
my self esteem is good and i don't find it to be a reflection of my worth if someone treats me badly , it just hurts and makes me mad because i don't feel i deserve it. i've not had any relationships that weren't brutal towards me, but i went into them as a dismissive so i guess my expectations were low. i have always thought of a relationship as a kind of practical thing with companionship and shared objectives so a lack of closeness wasn't a red flag. I always was just kind of filling a wife role. Red flags that would have tipped off violence or abuse to someone not raised by a narcissist, didn't register with me- i thought i just had to calm the crazy person down. Nope.
i recently was in a relationship with someone who i thought was avoidant (i was relieved after AP dynamics) also but honestly , i am disappointed to say, he was probably a narcissist. I liked him for several reasons but a big plus was i know my independence is an issue for most men, and he seemed to want the parallel kind of life i want- monogamy, companionship, lots of autonomy without suspicion or insecurity, etc. Turns out he was just exploitative and only wanted what he wanted and would say anything to get it. I do feel exploited but i am aware of the boundaries i needed to develop to protect myself. So i developed those boundaries once my denial broke and i ended the relationship brutally. I don't like to be mean but don't mind doing what i need to change direction, and it was probably a long time coming.
I am hurt and upside down, i never have cared so much or tried so sincerely to love.
I'm surprised at what happened to me in that relationship, as i mostly have been involved with AP's. i have never felt sad leaving a relationship before, i felt relief. this time it gutted me and im not sure i see him in a realistic light, the good or the bad. i will probably get a balanced perspective over time but i am mostly trying to deal with what happened inside of me. i am making progress.
I felt anxious and confused in the relationship with this man, and am still confused but not anxious since i ended it. I don't know what happened but something in me got really triggered by him and i lost my bearings. I thought i loved him and sometimes i think i still do, but in a confused and disillusioned way. the whole thing was kind of an illusion i think.
I have had a lot of insight since i broke up with him after a year of ups and downs. I realized that i was able to connect with him even tho he didn't treat me well consistently because i was raised in a home devoid of empathy, and anything less than outright abuse can be acceptable to me, it's all i know in an intimate relationship, is abuse. I have a low bar, i see it now. The ability to be a fortress of solitude helps me tolerate intolerable situations but i'm done with that crap.
I don't think i am unworthy of love- i think i give the benefit of the doubt too much and have a high tolerance for behavior that others might find appalling. it's life long conditioning. i'm working on paying attention to internal cues to not stuff feelings down and deal with situations as they occur, honestly. thats actually why i left. One day i felt extremely hurt and angry about his behavior and i listened to that instead of soldiering on and fought back. i've always had to smile and nod and calm angry people down and keep the peace and i don't do that any more. i'm over it.
So, i am glad that i have grown to the point of realizing love doesn't have to hurt like that. i am embarrassed that i could have developed such feelings for someone who turned out to be so cruel. But i don't want to talk about him, i am focusing on what i can learn and how i can heal and grow.
I am doing a lot of work to be present to my feelings as they happen and that's hard but i am not as avoidant as i used to be.
i sometimes am in so much pain i feel i can't bear it but i stick with myself and come out the other side.
I am confused about myself and have read here. some of it is helpful.
I do notice that the anxious on this site can be pretty brutal in their assessment of avoidant behavior, and get extremely sensitive if the tables turn and they are called out for their demeaning language and dysfunctional relating. I don't like that at all.
but there are different levels of awareness and personal responsibility depending on where a person's at. im sure i will offend some but i guess that goes both ways here so i'm ok with it. Anxious and avoidants aren't known for seeing eye to eye.
Anyway, i'm figuring things out for myself.
