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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 21:58:30 GMT
kelvain, I am not going to lie, DAs are difficult waters to navigate. My bf and I had a discussion about space too and he didn't get the distinction at first. There were many times when I felt angry at him or smothered and needed space. I also "reprimanded" him. He took that as any time, I was having negative feelings, that he would give me space. I don't blame him for thinking that. So, when a time came when I was sad about something, he gave me space and I felt neglected. When I'm sad, I want comfort like other people. I do see how the messages can get mixed up. I think DAs are much more difficult to "read" and if they are not good communicators, it makes it that much more difficult.
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Post by ruggedlygentle on Mar 12, 2018 22:39:12 GMT
Wow - thank you all for the insights!
A few thoughts/questions:
1. She is the one that initiated no contact (her original request was “a few weeks”). You can argue that she broke it by sending the dry cleaning email; however, her email seemed to come with some reluctance and did not feel like an invitation to re-engage. In this case, do you think I should continue no contact at her request? From my perspective, I am open to reconciliation if it is slow, but after all that has happened any chance for a quick reconciliation is not possible.
2. Muppet is correct that my intent is reconciliation and not necessarily no contact to work on myself (remember: she initiated). I have found that being away from her has helped me pursue other activities (primarily gym and career related), and that is healthy. It has taught me that should we decide to reconcile or if I date anyone else, I need to continue to work on myself and not put all of my energy on my partner, even if I perceive they need it
3. Kelvain’s point on creating too much space will generate abandonment issues - such an insightful point! I can totally see this being the case, but am having trouble reconciling that with her request to no contact her for a while. My gut says to respect her space and anything else would be a violation, within at least the time period she suggested (a few weeks)
4. I also have little idea what a few weeks actually means - is it 3 or is it 9? That is why she needs to reach out first, or else I will just assume a conservative number (like 9). Otherwise, I run the risk of reaching out too soon and appearing needy
5. Muppet is correct that there is some manipulation here, but it also comes from a place of genuinely wanting to understand how to treat avoidants well. No one wants to be mistreated (APs and ADs alike), and I believe that if we understand each other’s needs there may be a way to have common understanding and love.
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Post by kelvain on Mar 13, 2018 1:14:23 GMT
kelvain , I am not going to lie, DAs are difficult waters to navigate. My bf and I had a discussion about space too and he didn't get the distinction at first. There were many times when I felt angry at him or smothered and needed space. I also "reprimanded" him. He took that as any time, I was having negative feelings, that he would give me space. I don't blame him for thinking that. So, when a time came when I was sad about something, he gave me space and I felt neglected. When I'm sad, I want comfort like other people. I do see how the messages can get mixed up. I think DAs are much more difficult to "read" and if they are not good communicators, it makes it that much more difficult. Mary... I am BLOWN AWAY! THANK YOU for sharing this insight! I feel as if a great big light bulb just went off in my head. This is a perspective that I have not even considered whereas my ex DA was concerned. It's actually a bit sobering for me to learn this as I may have misunderstood some of her distancing. I kind of feel like a jerk now! I wish I had this little yet huge bit of insight months ago! I surely will not forget this anytime soon. Thank you again! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 14:18:59 GMT
kelvain , I am not going to lie, DAs are difficult waters to navigate. My bf and I had a discussion about space too and he didn't get the distinction at first. There were many times when I felt angry at him or smothered and needed space. I also "reprimanded" him. He took that as any time, I was having negative feelings, that he would give me space. I don't blame him for thinking that. So, when a time came when I was sad about something, he gave me space and I felt neglected. When I'm sad, I want comfort like other people. I do see how the messages can get mixed up. I think DAs are much more difficult to "read" and if they are not good communicators, it makes it that much more difficult. Mary... I am BLOWN AWAY! THANK YOU for sharing this insight! I feel as if a great big light bulb just went off in my head. This is a perspective that I have not even considered whereas my ex DA was concerned. It's actually a bit sobering for me to learn this as I may have misunderstood some of her distancing. I kind of feel like a jerk now! I wish I had this little yet huge bit of insight months ago! I surely will not forget this anytime soon. Thank you again! Kelvain, I don't want to make you feel like a jerk in any way. It took me so much time to figure out a lot of this stuff about myself, so I can imagine how hard it is to see any of it in another person. On the outside, it just looks like a confusing pile of crap messages that I send out to my bf. I think it's only that I have shared so much of my history with him, that he is able to understand my confusion. |
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