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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 22:25:48 GMT
I've been mulling around the kinds of things i'd like to explore here.
I have been doing a lot of inner work related to beliefs and behaviors that i developed as a little girl, and recognizing when they are in play in my life and relationships now.
I am not in a relationship and don't see myself entering one for quite a while , i am getting to know and understand myself better. My last one hurt me very badly, but i had some epiphanies about my pattern.
I have felt a lot more peaceful lately with some new revelations, that have to do with uncovering old pain and working through it. I've been doing work like this for a couple of decades off and on actually, it isn't new. but i am getting to a deeper layer.
I have a lot of trauma in my background as many of us do.
i have found that i lived my entire life, thus far, feeling flawed.
I don't feel that any more, the last few years i have come to really love and appreciate myself.
But, i am at a strange juncture, questioning so many things. As i grow, my desire for a relationship seems to be growing smaller and smaller instead of increasing, and i wonder if that's just because i am feeling more peaceful with myself, instead of just shutting down.
I am not sure. i guess i thought it would be the opposite and i would discover a deeper want for companionship and relationship.
i have secure friendships and they seem to meet my emotional needs best. i don't know where this process takes me when it comes to a romantic relationship. I really am at a loss for now.
Maybe i i just need rest.
So, i think it will be helpful to write things out and mull it over with others who may relate.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 22:44:07 GMT
I am in a relationship now, but in the past, the longer I was single, the more my want for a relationship diminished. This is the one and only time in my life I really wanted a relationship and the only reason I want one now, is that I want the relationship I have with my partner. I want him and not necessarily any relationship, if that makes sense. My only want is to have a deeper relationship with him. If he were to leave my life, I doubt I would be looking for another, even though I have increased awareness now.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 23:01:45 GMT
I am in a relationship now, but in the past, the longer I was single, the more my want for a relationship diminished. This is the one and only time in my life I really wanted a relationship and the only reason I want one now, is that I want the relationship I have with my partner. I want him and not necessarily any relationship, if that makes sense. My only want is to have a deeper relationship with him. If he were to leave my life, I doubt I would be looking for another, even though I have increased awareness now. yes, this makes sense. the longer i am single the more i settle in to solitude for sure. i wanted my last relationship to work out very much. but it turns out i had a huge blind spot and was operating out of old habits, and had chosen yet another harmful relationship. its frustrating because i thought i had come farther but i really can see that i made huge progress in my own recovery. the pain was deep but the healing was also. so i am at a kind of "calm after the storm" place- old structures have been wiped out but they needed to go. i'm kind of looking at a new landscape! and just taking things in. maybe i will look at is as a time to just rest and live simply and keep exploring myself, who i am. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 2:54:08 GMT
i guess what is occurring to me, is that i have always felt like i was missing out on something that others naturally could have- intimacy and partnership.
it felt like i just wasn't cut out for it.
so coming to terms with my history, with my pain, with all the confusion and isolation and the who what when where and why of my life.... i guess i thought that my crowining achievement would be to have a successful and loving intimate relationship.
i don't feel incapable of giving love, and i think i deserve love.... i just don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end.
i thought i would just open up at some point and go -aha! i can do it!
but i have gone the other direction and it isn't painful, just confusing.
i wonder what the value of a romantic relationship is.
i mean, i have always wanted to have a good sex life, share a loving and supportive friendship with a life partner.
but it is so unreal to me, and i find more and more contentment in myself, that even those aspects which used to make me feel a little more whole- i am wondering if i have lost the desire for that completely.
i'm not talking about being asexual, or cold, or anything like that. i am a warm and loving person by nature. just at the end of the day, i know i die alone and that thought is never far from me. it isn't disturbing it's a reality i accept and it doesn't bother me.
i am deeply confused about my hesitance to even be open again. i am missing the point of it. all things will end so why bother? when there is so much beauty in other endeavors. i have never felt so profoundly independent, like an island, and been this peaceful and it makes me wonder what i am missing.
i guess that is what i am here to explore.
i don't know if i am jaded or wise but i feel ok. just a little removed. am i triggered? what could be going on? can anybody understand this?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 13:56:41 GMT
maybe there is too much cultural pressure to validate oneself by partnering up.
not pressure, exactly- but kind of an expectation, like it's the norm and it's what normal people do.
i have children, born into difficult relationships.
i love my children and have done my very best to nurture and protect them and they are happy.
in the morning when i wake up, i know that i am enough for myself.
maybe i just need to remember that as i go through my day and get messages from external sources that say otherwise?
maybe i can have a beautiful life sharing myself with many people in many capacities, and am not necessarily destined to share myself with a romantic partner.
i am part of a much larger whole, and i think i find the most satisfaction looking at the big picture of all of us living beings all together, as a family, instead of sectioning myself off tightly in a little couple. i guess i have an expansive sense of belonging that makes couplehood seem inconsequential.
there was a time that i didn't feel deserving of love, but that's not the case now.
i don't feel like i need to find it, i feel like i have it.
so it's not a bad place to be, nor is it a lonely place.
maybe it will change in time, it feels like a gestation phase and actually i am thankful to not be hurting. funny how i am so used to searching, now that i am not searching i feel like i should search for ..... something.
maybe it's a habit.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 14:08:37 GMT
@muppet, I think it's in our wiring to not actively want romantic relationships and if you haven't had a good one in the past, what is there to want? Relationships are difficult, so if you haven't had positive outcomes, why invest so much in something that isn't positive? I get the thinking completely. DAs are self sufficient and loneliness isn't our thing, so the desire is much less to couple up.
You may desire something more if you meet someone that intrigues you to go deeper. Or it's possible you do desire it and you just haven't gotten to that deeply buried place yet. Wanting something is vulnerability. Until you figure it out, there is lots to life besides looking for that romantic partner.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 14:30:24 GMT
@mary, thank you.
i used to want a relationship more than i do now, but that was before some cathartic healing.
also, when i wanted a partner, it was less in the way of what i see a traditional "couple" relationship, my idea of a relationship is quite different than what i see most people enjoying. that's not for me.
now i don't even have a wish for the minimal type of relationship i wanted before!
i think i can just take some time to be myself without somehow thinking i should be different.
i don't think there is anything wrong or unhealthy about being in solitude that way. i have a lot of social contact and enjoy people but like i said, at the end of the day i like to be alone but not lonely and that's ok.
thanks for being a supportive presence like that.
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