Post by albert983 on Mar 16, 2018 0:25:34 GMT
hi everyone,
i met this girl in november last year, we spent an awesome christmas month together, she always was very physically affectionate and sweet with me, and we established from the start a policy of honesty and truth towards each other, this was a very good boundary and there were no secrets between us. i tried to behave in the most mature and balanced way that i know, i've never been so correct in relationship, never used jealousy, never played games, always stated my needs clearly and encourage her to talk about her needs. that paid off because we still respect and care for each other after the breakup and she told me that she have a very good opinion of me (even if in the later stages of the relationship i became very anxious because she activated me with her avoidance)
she told me from the start that she just wanted to know me, and in time she really liked me. but at the same time, like the third or fourth time we were together she started talking in hypothetical terms about our break up (something like, when i'm your ex we will do this this and this). this "talk" came up almost every time we met. the first time i was upset, and she disconnected a little, but we overcome this "fear" and every time she talked in this way i just treat it as a joke
in the first night together she told me she was virgin, i told her that the physical aspect is essential for me in a relationship but it this case it wasn't an issue because we were doing other things in bed (i like to cuddle al lot before and after sex, i like being close to my partner, talk, caress each other and so on and she seemed to follow initially)
after the first month the sexual activities became less and less at the point that we were satisfing each other once a week, if she was in the mood.
sometimes after i did things to her she just wanted to sleep and i had to wait until she was excited again and maybe there would be time for me. and that process could take an entire week.
she told me that she had a previous long relationship of 4 years and i don't understand how her ex could have endured that.
i coped with those intimacy issues for about a month and then talked to her and asked why we couldn't be more intimate, she told me that she wants to wait and would rather end the relationship if she had to choose between being intimate with me or ending things. i was not necessary referring to the complete sexual act, but she seemed to fail to acknowledge a togetherness, a union during those moments, it was always satisfyng one person at a time and purely a physical thing.
during this time she said that we were just knowing each other but she presented me to her family and her friends and we spent a lot of time at her parent's house, so something was not very clear to me,
we did a lot of activities together but the lack of intimacy was a big deal for me. we hugged and cuddled but she refused sexual activities almost every single time and told me that for her wasn't so important.
i told her that for me was more than just sex, was connecting and bonding and having time just for us, but she didn't understand what i was saying. she told me too that sexual activity was like a chore for her and i couldn't believe it. she just didn't had the whole "couple" idea in her mind.
apart from sexual activities she always was affectionate and seemed to spent time gladly with me
she always was in contact with her ex and lots of other guys that provided attention to her, because she didn't want to disappoint anyone and cut ties. other's opinion was very important since she had low self esteem. she is very young (24) and for me that was a non issue, since she did all this in the open, often making me seeing those messages and asking me how to behave to keep guys at a distance. i was (and i mean truly) never jealous because she was with me, and i'm pretty sure of my value. she never disrespected that and always keep contact via text and no more, we were pretty clear to not seeing anyone. she has a good relationship with her long time ex and i met him, and even let her seeing him without problems ( i have a couple of exes that i see regularly too, only as friends so for me it was normal, and all in the open ). she was free to to what she wanted, apart from seeing romantically other guys obviously. i never restricted her and she keep seeing her friends group (which in time became my friends too).
we argued because i couldn't stand anymore having my intimacy needs not met and i don't think it's an unreasonable request have time together to be vulnerable. i told her to reflect on this that we could explore intimacy together and to take some time for herself
after a couple of days she told me that when we didn't saw each other she started doing things for her like an evening alone doing make up, hair and so on, going out with friends, that she felt engulfed and heavy in our relationship but i never stopped her doing anything and i thought that she was ok in seeing me (we saw each other every weekend, sometimes more, from friday to sunday night)
i then became very anxious and told her that i have made my mind up and wanted to split. in her mind this was only a pause to reflect (even if she told me that she would have request a break with me when we would have seen each other) and was pretty shocked, and asked me to remain friends.
she mantained contact texting me everyday and some days later (after she went out every single night with her friends -she always told me everything she did even after the bu-) she mentioned going out with new guys but only as a friend. my anxiety got the best of me and i told her not to contact me anymore.
the day after she wrote me lots and lots of messages telling me that she was hurt and wanted me in her life, that wanted to see us to talk, and telling me to not abandon her.
at that moment it was clear that she was a fearful avoidant, that fears closeness but at the same time is terrified by being abandoned.
we talked via phone and i offered to her the possibility to explore attachment styles and intimacy together. she is adamant in calling this a friendship and she didn't see any issue in her going out with other men since we are friends (like one week after we split up, i told her about emotions but she just didn't understand, she seems to process emotions differently than me), but she told me that she didn't want anyone, romantically or sexually, and she wants to remain by herself for a while, but she wants the possibility to see other people as a friend.
we somehow reached a compromise some days ago and we are still texting everyday. i noticed that if i pull back she reaches out and we are in peaceful terms.
i know it's a lot of work but she doesn't seem cruel, she just had no idea of how relationships and intimacy especially works. i have anxious tracts that she brings out but after understanding her attachment i am a lot more calm and i know it's not a personal thing. i'd like another shot, we probably will see each other in the next days at some point, but i don't know how to act.
not bringing the relationship thing and just going with the flow could be a good start? letting her come to me without pressure?
if this works in some way, how can i touch the intimacy issue? if we remain friends (because in her head is more safe than dating) and end up in bed together, how can i make her move towards being more intimate? how can i make her feel safe and understood with me?
i proposed to read some books regarding intimacy together, could it be a good idea?
i met this girl in november last year, we spent an awesome christmas month together, she always was very physically affectionate and sweet with me, and we established from the start a policy of honesty and truth towards each other, this was a very good boundary and there were no secrets between us. i tried to behave in the most mature and balanced way that i know, i've never been so correct in relationship, never used jealousy, never played games, always stated my needs clearly and encourage her to talk about her needs. that paid off because we still respect and care for each other after the breakup and she told me that she have a very good opinion of me (even if in the later stages of the relationship i became very anxious because she activated me with her avoidance)
she told me from the start that she just wanted to know me, and in time she really liked me. but at the same time, like the third or fourth time we were together she started talking in hypothetical terms about our break up (something like, when i'm your ex we will do this this and this). this "talk" came up almost every time we met. the first time i was upset, and she disconnected a little, but we overcome this "fear" and every time she talked in this way i just treat it as a joke
in the first night together she told me she was virgin, i told her that the physical aspect is essential for me in a relationship but it this case it wasn't an issue because we were doing other things in bed (i like to cuddle al lot before and after sex, i like being close to my partner, talk, caress each other and so on and she seemed to follow initially)
after the first month the sexual activities became less and less at the point that we were satisfing each other once a week, if she was in the mood.
sometimes after i did things to her she just wanted to sleep and i had to wait until she was excited again and maybe there would be time for me. and that process could take an entire week.
she told me that she had a previous long relationship of 4 years and i don't understand how her ex could have endured that.
i coped with those intimacy issues for about a month and then talked to her and asked why we couldn't be more intimate, she told me that she wants to wait and would rather end the relationship if she had to choose between being intimate with me or ending things. i was not necessary referring to the complete sexual act, but she seemed to fail to acknowledge a togetherness, a union during those moments, it was always satisfyng one person at a time and purely a physical thing.
during this time she said that we were just knowing each other but she presented me to her family and her friends and we spent a lot of time at her parent's house, so something was not very clear to me,
we did a lot of activities together but the lack of intimacy was a big deal for me. we hugged and cuddled but she refused sexual activities almost every single time and told me that for her wasn't so important.
i told her that for me was more than just sex, was connecting and bonding and having time just for us, but she didn't understand what i was saying. she told me too that sexual activity was like a chore for her and i couldn't believe it. she just didn't had the whole "couple" idea in her mind.
apart from sexual activities she always was affectionate and seemed to spent time gladly with me
she always was in contact with her ex and lots of other guys that provided attention to her, because she didn't want to disappoint anyone and cut ties. other's opinion was very important since she had low self esteem. she is very young (24) and for me that was a non issue, since she did all this in the open, often making me seeing those messages and asking me how to behave to keep guys at a distance. i was (and i mean truly) never jealous because she was with me, and i'm pretty sure of my value. she never disrespected that and always keep contact via text and no more, we were pretty clear to not seeing anyone. she has a good relationship with her long time ex and i met him, and even let her seeing him without problems ( i have a couple of exes that i see regularly too, only as friends so for me it was normal, and all in the open ). she was free to to what she wanted, apart from seeing romantically other guys obviously. i never restricted her and she keep seeing her friends group (which in time became my friends too).
we argued because i couldn't stand anymore having my intimacy needs not met and i don't think it's an unreasonable request have time together to be vulnerable. i told her to reflect on this that we could explore intimacy together and to take some time for herself
after a couple of days she told me that when we didn't saw each other she started doing things for her like an evening alone doing make up, hair and so on, going out with friends, that she felt engulfed and heavy in our relationship but i never stopped her doing anything and i thought that she was ok in seeing me (we saw each other every weekend, sometimes more, from friday to sunday night)
i then became very anxious and told her that i have made my mind up and wanted to split. in her mind this was only a pause to reflect (even if she told me that she would have request a break with me when we would have seen each other) and was pretty shocked, and asked me to remain friends.
she mantained contact texting me everyday and some days later (after she went out every single night with her friends -she always told me everything she did even after the bu-) she mentioned going out with new guys but only as a friend. my anxiety got the best of me and i told her not to contact me anymore.
the day after she wrote me lots and lots of messages telling me that she was hurt and wanted me in her life, that wanted to see us to talk, and telling me to not abandon her.
at that moment it was clear that she was a fearful avoidant, that fears closeness but at the same time is terrified by being abandoned.
we talked via phone and i offered to her the possibility to explore attachment styles and intimacy together. she is adamant in calling this a friendship and she didn't see any issue in her going out with other men since we are friends (like one week after we split up, i told her about emotions but she just didn't understand, she seems to process emotions differently than me), but she told me that she didn't want anyone, romantically or sexually, and she wants to remain by herself for a while, but she wants the possibility to see other people as a friend.
we somehow reached a compromise some days ago and we are still texting everyday. i noticed that if i pull back she reaches out and we are in peaceful terms.
i know it's a lot of work but she doesn't seem cruel, she just had no idea of how relationships and intimacy especially works. i have anxious tracts that she brings out but after understanding her attachment i am a lot more calm and i know it's not a personal thing. i'd like another shot, we probably will see each other in the next days at some point, but i don't know how to act.
not bringing the relationship thing and just going with the flow could be a good start? letting her come to me without pressure?
if this works in some way, how can i touch the intimacy issue? if we remain friends (because in her head is more safe than dating) and end up in bed together, how can i make her move towards being more intimate? how can i make her feel safe and understood with me?
i proposed to read some books regarding intimacy together, could it be a good idea?
