Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2018 3:26:03 GMT
i am DA, on the light end of the spectrum. I have improved over time with therapy and self help.
i am in a relationship with a DA who has many traits of narcissism, low level, not malignant.
this means he has narcissistic traits that cause difficulty in his relationships but is not cold and evil, in fact he is well loved by many and a good man. Many very lovable people have narcissistic traits that were learned as coping mechanisms, like any disorder or injury.
We began our relationship as casual sex partners. How else would two avoidants become involved? lol. But we both got attached. We tried to walk away from each other but have decided to stop doing that because the good outweighs the bad in our relationship and we are sweet together . in many ways we are well suited to each other because space is not an issue
We have struggled to maintain our connection, of course.. although we enjoy great chemistry and actually grow close during our time together, neither of us are quite comfortable enough with consistent intimacy ( obviously).
I am at the light end of DA, not nearly as avoidant as prior in my life, after lots of failed relationships and therapy. it's been a long effort to grow. i do still struggle.
My partner has been in therapy a year.
i have become angry with his narcissism a couple of times so i break up, and miss him terribly... we would start talking and get back together. It sounds awful, i know. Perhaps a combo of two of the worst relationship types. How could this be good?
however, we are human. we have hearts. we have grown closer emotionally through our shared struggles. each time we overcome a difficulty or misunderstanding or avoidant episode that hurts us, we get closer and our connection grows. neither one of us have had quite this kind of connection and affection before and it is valuable. Most people want love, and we both do.
we each are in therapy for our issues, individually, not as a couple. I have struggled all my life to connect in a meaningful way with a partner, and in this man i have found a friend and confidante. I love him. i am late 40's and he is mid 50's and we both are tired of being broken and are working hard to change. we want to save what we have and make it better.
His narcissistic traits are frustrating and sometime painful. he is not abusive. He does become angry and defensive easily, and his ego is fragile. and he is avoidant. But there is so much to enjoy about him, and i am not the only one who sees it. his intimate relationships bring out the best and worst of him, as they are the most triggering. Behind his reflexes he has a big heart. he is a good listener, once he understands someone needs him to listen. Lol. I have taught him a little.
I have come to have more empathy for him and it helps me understand how to ease him when he is protecting himself, which is when he pushes me away. I can see clearly that he is trying to cope, it's an internal war. i have been able to minimize my reactive anger, and instead can get really vulnerable with him and tell him i am hurt when he pushes me away. if he is angry and defensive i am able to ask him to listen to me so i will have less pain, and he calms down right away. So, i have to tell him things that maybe other people would intuitively know, and he responds. It's hard to explain, but it's a little like teaching a child. I don't mean that in a demeaning way. he truly has been able to learn how to be gentle and more caring in his behavior. we don't get it right every time but we have grown a lot. i don't believe in lost causes or dead ends. There is a way to love an avoidant, and it takes acceptance and appreciation for the quirks. he and i practice acceptance and appreciation for each other. it's not perfect but show me a relationship that is. and it's the best we can do for now. we are learning. i don't know what the future holds for us but we don't like to be apart, that we know for sure.
Over time i have learned some things, in my own process of growing more authentic and real, that help us to overcome some triggers and communicate in a productive way around conflict. This has been a lot of work, with me as an avoidant and him at the far end of the avoidant spectrum with N traits. But it's rewarding. It's hard to believe, i am sure. but stranger things have happened.
We know we are both very dented from our lives... but our broken parts fit together. we continually strive to be good to each other and grow. It's a process but i am thankful for him and for the trust and intimacy we share. We know we are flawed. But maybe there is someone for everyone. I think there is. Our connection is hard won.
Anyway, i have found a great article that shares hope for narcissists. It is VERY GOOD for avoidants as well, as some distancing tactics are shared, and avoidant traits are similar in some ways. I know this is a sensitive topic because people only equate narcissism with the full blown NPD, malignant evil types. But there is a whole spectrum. This is the reality. And there is in fact hope for many.
This is a great article for anyone who knows or loves an avoidant, or someone with narcissism. it can help you understand the struggle a little, and ways to support.
There are suggestions for increasing connection with a partner, that DA's can employ as well.
Please don't bomb me with hate for narcissists. I get it. I have been involved with evil narcs. but people are individuals and labels can ruin lives.
Please read
askdrcliff.com/archives/1353
i am in a relationship with a DA who has many traits of narcissism, low level, not malignant.
this means he has narcissistic traits that cause difficulty in his relationships but is not cold and evil, in fact he is well loved by many and a good man. Many very lovable people have narcissistic traits that were learned as coping mechanisms, like any disorder or injury.
We began our relationship as casual sex partners. How else would two avoidants become involved? lol. But we both got attached. We tried to walk away from each other but have decided to stop doing that because the good outweighs the bad in our relationship and we are sweet together . in many ways we are well suited to each other because space is not an issue
We have struggled to maintain our connection, of course.. although we enjoy great chemistry and actually grow close during our time together, neither of us are quite comfortable enough with consistent intimacy ( obviously).
I am at the light end of DA, not nearly as avoidant as prior in my life, after lots of failed relationships and therapy. it's been a long effort to grow. i do still struggle.
My partner has been in therapy a year.
i have become angry with his narcissism a couple of times so i break up, and miss him terribly... we would start talking and get back together. It sounds awful, i know. Perhaps a combo of two of the worst relationship types. How could this be good?
however, we are human. we have hearts. we have grown closer emotionally through our shared struggles. each time we overcome a difficulty or misunderstanding or avoidant episode that hurts us, we get closer and our connection grows. neither one of us have had quite this kind of connection and affection before and it is valuable. Most people want love, and we both do.
we each are in therapy for our issues, individually, not as a couple. I have struggled all my life to connect in a meaningful way with a partner, and in this man i have found a friend and confidante. I love him. i am late 40's and he is mid 50's and we both are tired of being broken and are working hard to change. we want to save what we have and make it better.
His narcissistic traits are frustrating and sometime painful. he is not abusive. He does become angry and defensive easily, and his ego is fragile. and he is avoidant. But there is so much to enjoy about him, and i am not the only one who sees it. his intimate relationships bring out the best and worst of him, as they are the most triggering. Behind his reflexes he has a big heart. he is a good listener, once he understands someone needs him to listen. Lol. I have taught him a little.
I have come to have more empathy for him and it helps me understand how to ease him when he is protecting himself, which is when he pushes me away. I can see clearly that he is trying to cope, it's an internal war. i have been able to minimize my reactive anger, and instead can get really vulnerable with him and tell him i am hurt when he pushes me away. if he is angry and defensive i am able to ask him to listen to me so i will have less pain, and he calms down right away. So, i have to tell him things that maybe other people would intuitively know, and he responds. It's hard to explain, but it's a little like teaching a child. I don't mean that in a demeaning way. he truly has been able to learn how to be gentle and more caring in his behavior. we don't get it right every time but we have grown a lot. i don't believe in lost causes or dead ends. There is a way to love an avoidant, and it takes acceptance and appreciation for the quirks. he and i practice acceptance and appreciation for each other. it's not perfect but show me a relationship that is. and it's the best we can do for now. we are learning. i don't know what the future holds for us but we don't like to be apart, that we know for sure.
Over time i have learned some things, in my own process of growing more authentic and real, that help us to overcome some triggers and communicate in a productive way around conflict. This has been a lot of work, with me as an avoidant and him at the far end of the avoidant spectrum with N traits. But it's rewarding. It's hard to believe, i am sure. but stranger things have happened.
We know we are both very dented from our lives... but our broken parts fit together. we continually strive to be good to each other and grow. It's a process but i am thankful for him and for the trust and intimacy we share. We know we are flawed. But maybe there is someone for everyone. I think there is. Our connection is hard won.
Anyway, i have found a great article that shares hope for narcissists. It is VERY GOOD for avoidants as well, as some distancing tactics are shared, and avoidant traits are similar in some ways. I know this is a sensitive topic because people only equate narcissism with the full blown NPD, malignant evil types. But there is a whole spectrum. This is the reality. And there is in fact hope for many.
This is a great article for anyone who knows or loves an avoidant, or someone with narcissism. it can help you understand the struggle a little, and ways to support.
There are suggestions for increasing connection with a partner, that DA's can employ as well.
Please don't bomb me with hate for narcissists. I get it. I have been involved with evil narcs. but people are individuals and labels can ruin lives.
Please read
askdrcliff.com/archives/1353
