Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 13:00:28 GMT
at some point of my life, after a lot of pain, i learned that i had to listen to my own self to know what was going on in me and what to do about it. I actually wanted to do something about the pain and sadness i felt instead of just accept it as the status quo.
with therapy and self help stuff i determined that the best thing for me to do is to just say what i am thinking or feeling, get it out there. i didn't realize how silent i had always been about that. i am a very talkative person and didn't realize i would talk about everything in the world except my innermost self.
i never realized until recently that i was blocking intimacy by remaining silent about my self. I actually thought it wasn't important. i thought intimacy was showing up and doing what was expected to meet someone else's needs. i really did. i thought i could be good at it.
it's probably true that because i didn't consider my own feelings important i wasn't really coming at intimacy from an emotional stance, i was more taking care of meeting practical needs and just trying to be a good and competent person. i actually have believed that taking care of myself and being unreliant on anyone for anything at all made me a good partner too. I still don't rely on anyone for anything but i am learning how to ask for what i enjoy. i don't need things but i like things that my partner can do for me. Anyway, i had no clue what intimacy was. i have good friends and people who love me who had taught me that in my later life, in the past few years.
i look back on how i deleted myself and my responsibility and privilege to acknowledge my feelings and it baffles me. so there you have the power of conditioning. right there. we all suffer from it.
So, i have a way of being able to tell people exactly why i appreciate them, and what inspires or delights me about them. i find this to be refreshing and it also is good for the people i am appreciating. everyone needs to know the good things aboit themselves and when we talk about that it lays the foundation for true friendship and trust, i think.
i struggle with tempering my blunt assessments of what i don't like, or what is incongruent, or what isn't logical though. Not that i am overly critical and thinking my subjective opinion is more real than anyone else's. it's more a matter of , if i see it, i say it. very plain. I am able to offer a realistic and analytical view of difficult situations, and to me this is kindness and not an affront, it is not intended to harm. Because i already am certain that i care about and respect the person i am talking to and they know it too. But i realize i can be insensitive and i want to work in being more thoughtful so that icommunicate in a way that is supportive without hurting.
Its hard for me to know how to do it. sometimes i am good at it but time is a factor- if i am relaxed and have the time and focus to really be present to the person. if i have limited time or focus i can be too harsh.
i know that my input is helpful because i often get that feedback, and appreciation. But i know that there may be a bruise left on the person's heart and i don't want to do that , it's not necessary. there must be a way to be more skillful. does the truth always have to hurt? i don't think so, i think i can use my sharp mind and analytical skills to come up with a more balanced approach in such a situation so that i offer what is helpful without leaving a bruise. because i always mean well with it. that should show by the result, i don't want to leave a question about it.
so, if there are other avoidants here that can relate to this, i'd like to know where you are at with it.
with therapy and self help stuff i determined that the best thing for me to do is to just say what i am thinking or feeling, get it out there. i didn't realize how silent i had always been about that. i am a very talkative person and didn't realize i would talk about everything in the world except my innermost self.
i never realized until recently that i was blocking intimacy by remaining silent about my self. I actually thought it wasn't important. i thought intimacy was showing up and doing what was expected to meet someone else's needs. i really did. i thought i could be good at it.
it's probably true that because i didn't consider my own feelings important i wasn't really coming at intimacy from an emotional stance, i was more taking care of meeting practical needs and just trying to be a good and competent person. i actually have believed that taking care of myself and being unreliant on anyone for anything at all made me a good partner too. I still don't rely on anyone for anything but i am learning how to ask for what i enjoy. i don't need things but i like things that my partner can do for me. Anyway, i had no clue what intimacy was. i have good friends and people who love me who had taught me that in my later life, in the past few years.
i look back on how i deleted myself and my responsibility and privilege to acknowledge my feelings and it baffles me. so there you have the power of conditioning. right there. we all suffer from it.
So, i have a way of being able to tell people exactly why i appreciate them, and what inspires or delights me about them. i find this to be refreshing and it also is good for the people i am appreciating. everyone needs to know the good things aboit themselves and when we talk about that it lays the foundation for true friendship and trust, i think.
i struggle with tempering my blunt assessments of what i don't like, or what is incongruent, or what isn't logical though. Not that i am overly critical and thinking my subjective opinion is more real than anyone else's. it's more a matter of , if i see it, i say it. very plain. I am able to offer a realistic and analytical view of difficult situations, and to me this is kindness and not an affront, it is not intended to harm. Because i already am certain that i care about and respect the person i am talking to and they know it too. But i realize i can be insensitive and i want to work in being more thoughtful so that icommunicate in a way that is supportive without hurting.
Its hard for me to know how to do it. sometimes i am good at it but time is a factor- if i am relaxed and have the time and focus to really be present to the person. if i have limited time or focus i can be too harsh.
i know that my input is helpful because i often get that feedback, and appreciation. But i know that there may be a bruise left on the person's heart and i don't want to do that , it's not necessary. there must be a way to be more skillful. does the truth always have to hurt? i don't think so, i think i can use my sharp mind and analytical skills to come up with a more balanced approach in such a situation so that i offer what is helpful without leaving a bruise. because i always mean well with it. that should show by the result, i don't want to leave a question about it.
so, if there are other avoidants here that can relate to this, i'd like to know where you are at with it.
