|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Mar 17, 2018 21:10:31 GMT
Can you love someone and be emotionally abusive to them?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 22:48:40 GMT
Can you love someone and be emotionally abusive to them? i love my partner and i have been emotionally abusive to him when i was triggered in confusion and insecurity. At the time I thought i was just expressing justified anger. But i crossed the line by assuming my perception of his intentions as negative and intentionally hurtful,as correct. and by accusing him of things he did not intend. so i assasinated his character by assuming and saying those things instead of just saying what i heard, and how i felt. it took me taking a lot of time to work on my own insecurity and fear to recognize that i had him wrong. i was able to stop justifying my words and behavior just because i was hurt and angry. i was able to make amends by being humble and apologizing. it hurt me a lot to see the truth of what i had done. it felt better to admit i was doing something i was ashamed of and stop it. he forgave me. he also has been emotionally abusive to me and apologized. so the hard part is getting triggered and failing again. it's not often but it is sad and hurtful. so i would say yes, i have been emotionally abusive to those i love at times. thankfully it has not been a long ingrained pattern and my response to awareness was to work hard to correct it because it hurt him and me both. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Mar 17, 2018 23:30:17 GMT
Depends on your definition of "love." I think we can confuse desire and love. Some people think love is action and not emotion. But I do think if you love the person and you are emotionally abusive, then you would work hard to change.
|
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Mar 18, 2018 0:47:34 GMT
Can you love someone and be emotionally abusive to them? i love my partner and i have been emotionally abusive to him when i was triggered in confusion and insecurity. At the time I thought i was just expressing justified anger. But i crossed the line by assuming my perception of his intentions as negative and intentionally hurtful,as correct. and by accusing him of things he did not intend. so i assasinated his character by assuming and saying those things instead of just saying what i heard, and how i felt. it took me taking a lot of time to work on my own insecurity and fear to recognize that i had him wrong. i was able to stop justifying my words and behavior just because i was hurt and angry. i was able to make amends by being humble and apologizing. it hurt me a lot to see the truth of what i had done. it felt better to admit i was doing something i was ashamed of and stop it. he forgave me. he also has been emotionally abusive to me and apologized. so the hard part is getting triggered and failing again. it's not often but it is sad and hurtful. so i would say yes, i have been emotionally abusive to those i love at times. thankfully it has not been a long ingrained pattern and my response to awareness was to work hard to correct it because it hurt him and me both. Thank you for sharing that juniper. I was reading an article about this. I do agree that you can love someone and be emotionally abusive because I have been that person. The article disagreed so I wanted others insight. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 1:38:45 GMT
bedlam71 , it's good in theory. but we humans are wounded and flawed and ignorant, not to mention reactive. so it's a great ideal, as far as ideals go. however, we fail. love is an intention, as far as i have experience, to understand and care for, and allow freedom for, and nurture a person. as soon as i see i am hurting a person, including myself, i have to stop and look at what i am doing and try to correct it. it requires listening, to myself, to the other person. so it takes practice and learning. i would say that love is a practice, like strength training or anything you work at to get better.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 0:07:30 GMT
Can you love someone and be emotionally abusive to them? I don't know, it's something I have torn up my brain about. I have been told many times by abusers that they love me. Does someone that physically abuses you, love you? I think it's the same question and I don't know. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 19, 2018 0:14:27 GMT
Can you love someone and be emotionally abusive to them? I don't know, it's something I have torn up my brain about. I have been told many times by abusers that they love me. Does someone that physically abuses you, love you? I think it's the same question and I don't know. I think when a person's only experience of love is one where there was emotional/physical abuse displayed simultaneously to being told that he/she is loved...then that person would likely think that love only exists along with pain and that would likely color the way they view love. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 0:30:33 GMT
I don't know, it's something I have torn up my brain about. I have been told many times by abusers that they love me. Does someone that physically abuses you, love you? I think it's the same question and I don't know. I think when a person's only experience of love is one where there was emotional/physical abuse displayed simultaneously to being told that he/she is loved...then that person would likely think that love only exists along with pain and that would likely color the way they view love. This is true and I know I have this issue. But how can you feel that a person loves you when they abuse you? Is an abuser capable of love? |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 19, 2018 0:40:28 GMT
I think when a person's only experience of love is one where there was emotional/physical abuse displayed simultaneously to being told that he/she is loved...then that person would likely think that love only exists along with pain and that would likely color the way they view love. This is true and I know I have this issue. But how can you feel that a person loves you when they abuse you? Is an abuser capable of love? I think that is an excellent question Mary. No easy answer....I was going to say that everyone is capable of love ...but then, I considered that there are individuals whose empathy centers are very low functioning...and without empathy, can someone truly love another? Without the ability to see things from another person's perspective....is it more like "love" from an "object" perspective/self focused perspective..such as, I love my car or I love pizza. Is a person who abuses another only thinking in the self focused/possessive/object perspective with a touch of remorse that what they claim to love appears to be hurting? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 0:49:31 GMT
This is true and I know I have this issue. But how can you feel that a person loves you when they abuse you? Is an abuser capable of love? I think that is an excellent question Mary. No easy answer....I was going to say that everyone is capable of love ...but then, I considered that there are individuals whose empathy centers are very low functioning...and without empathy, can someone truly love another? Without the ability to see things from another person's perspective....is it more like "love" from an "object" perspective/self focused perspective..such as, I love my car or I love pizza. Is a person who abuses another only thinking in the self focused/possessive/object perspective with a touch of remorse that what they claim to love appears to be hurting? , this is so insightful. Thank you. The possessive type of object love is so fitting. From what I can tell, it is like saying I love pizza, but I don't think they have the real love for a person. That's what I have experienced on the receiving end. Thank you for putting words to my experience. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 19, 2018 1:02:01 GMT
I think that is an excellent question Mary. No easy answer....I was going to say that everyone is capable of love ...but then, I considered that there are individuals whose empathy centers are very low functioning...and without empathy, can someone truly love another? Without the ability to see things from another person's perspective....is it more like "love" from an "object" perspective/self focused perspective..such as, I love my car or I love pizza. Is a person who abuses another only thinking in the self focused/possessive/object perspective with a touch of remorse that what they claim to love appears to be hurting? , this is so insightful. Thank you. The possessive type of object love is so fitting. From what I can tell, it is like saying I love pizza, but I don't think they have the real love for a person. That's what I have experienced on the receiving end. Thank you for putting words to my experience. You are so welcome Mary....this is what I had to comes to terms with regarding the last narcissist I "dated". I wanted to attribute all kinds of empathetic tendencies towards him while feeling like I was a well worn t shirt that he had put in the attic. I visualized that every once in a while (when he got nostalgic) he would take that t shirt out and try it on, having fond memories of it...but then , he would find little "flaws" such as, it did not smell new anymore and the color was faded and it did not quite fit the way it used to...so back to the attic it (I) went. It was downright cruel the treatment I endured from him for off/on 3 years and it was only towards the end that I realized that his statements of "love" for me were no different then his love for his possessions. I think narcissists are often attracted to people with deep empathy because it is only individuals with deep empathy who will keep providing the Narcissistic supply they need. My dad had Narcissistic tendencies when I was a child...he has mellowed in his old age. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 1:12:09 GMT
tnr9 , this is so insightful. Thank you. The possessive type of object love is so fitting. From what I can tell, it is like saying I love pizza, but I don't think they have the real love for a person. That's what I have experienced on the receiving end. Thank you for putting words to my experience. You are so welcome Mary....this is what I had to comes to terms with regarding the last narcissist I "dated". I wanted to attribute all kinds of empathetic tendencies towards him while feeling like I was a well worn t shirt that he had put in the attic. I visualized that every once in a while (when he got nostalgic) he would take that t shirt out and try it on, having fond memories of it...but then , he would find little "flaws" such as, it did not smell new anymore and the color was faded and it did not quite fit the way it used to...so back to the attic it (I) went. It was downright cruel the treatment I endured from him for off/on 3 years and it was only towards the end that I realized that his statements of "love" for me were no different then his love for his possessions. I think narcissists are often attracted to people with deep empathy because it is only individuals with deep empathy who will keep providing the Narcissistic supply they need. My dad had Narcissistic tendencies when I was a child...he has mellowed in his old age. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am feeling the same, like I was just a possession. It's so disheartening and the sad thing is I thought I had made a better choice this time, but it was just the same stupid mistake I have made in the past. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 19, 2018 1:23:53 GMT
You are so welcome Mary....this is what I had to comes to terms with regarding the last narcissist I "dated". I wanted to attribute all kinds of empathetic tendencies towards him while feeling like I was a well worn t shirt that he had put in the attic. I visualized that every once in a while (when he got nostalgic) he would take that t shirt out and try it on, having fond memories of it...but then , he would find little "flaws" such as, it did not smell new anymore and the color was faded and it did not quite fit the way it used to...so back to the attic it (I) went. It was downright cruel the treatment I endured from him for off/on 3 years and it was only towards the end that I realized that his statements of "love" for me were no different then his love for his possessions. I think narcissists are often attracted to people with deep empathy because it is only individuals with deep empathy who will keep providing the Narcissistic supply they need. My dad had Narcissistic tendencies when I was a child...he has mellowed in his old age. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am feeling the same, like I was just a possession. It's so disheartening and the sad thing is I thought I had made a better choice this time, but it was just the same stupid mistake I have made in the past. Mary...I am so sorry for you....the fact is..you weren't stupid...unless he had a big sign that said "Warning...I have under functioning empathy centers and will treat you like a possession" there is no way to know until you are with someone a while. Sending loads of hugs. |
|
joan
Full Member
Posts: 100
|
Post by joan on Mar 27, 2018 5:29:18 GMT
I think when a person's only experience of love is one where there was emotional/physical abuse displayed simultaneously to being told that he/she is loved...then that person would likely think that love only exists along with pain and that would likely color the way they view love. This is true and I know I have this issue. But how can you feel that a person loves you when they abuse you? Is an abuser capable of love? |
|
joan
Full Member
Posts: 100
|
Post by joan on Mar 27, 2018 5:58:22 GMT
It would almost seem impossible to feel loved by an abuser. I didn't feel that way when I was being abused as a child by my mother. As an adult I've come to realize that she does love me, but she grew up being abused so that was normal for her. I can see the regret and sorrow she feels now but at the time her anger, and way of reacting was a byproduct of how she was raised and when under stress it came out like an automatic reflex. As a child I had no choice but to deal with her abuse, but you as an adult do have the ability to walk away. They may love you in their own skewed way, but it's destructive to you. Unless they get help you will live with that toxicity and it's not necessary for you to live like that.
|
|
