|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 30, 2018 20:00:08 GMT
While I am not sure I want to get married again, but I thought I could give him love and compassion and make him happy. So you want to play a caregiver to this man? I don't get it.....you gave him love and compassion and he fled, returned and fled again.....but you are an adult. Just don't forget that he is one too, regardless of his wounding. Happiness is an inside job, you can't make someone else "happy". I am curious if there isn't somehow a background tape that if you love him enough and are understanding enough (in a way that he hasn't received from anyone else) that he will then become more secure and be that man you see every few weeks...but permanantly. We are always in this predicament and we don't realize it is very manipulative. We are in essence trying to change someone, thinking if we do this, we will get an outcome we want. You don't have to be a DA to hate this and us for it. It's not an attractive trait. I think we would get better response if we expressed our frustration and anger and broke up with these people. We often don't give ourselves a fraction of compassion we are willing to give these people and al it means is we think that by appeasing someone else, we will appease ourselves. We will not and we will be further discontented. Agreed Annieb...I call it manipulative altruism.....because it isn't about just giving love and compassion freely...it is giving love and compassion to achieve a goal...whatever that goal is. I know this stance....the magical thinking that "I" somehow can reach a man in a way that other women have not, that my selflessness will lead to him deciding that I am the one. Then he will be so very happy, he won't need the distance himself. The only problem is we do this at the expense of ourselves because we are not being honest about our motives. |
|
|
|
Post by kelvain on Mar 31, 2018 2:51:16 GMT
Hi explorer. I read your story and to me, this guy sounds like he has a whole lot of narcissistic traits mixed together with DA traits based on your description. I just got out of a 10 year relationship with a DA who also had a lot of narcissistic traits. I am happy to say that since she ended things, I am on the road to recovery (with much help from my therapist) and can see I am better off now without her. Like you, I took a lot of pain. And to quote juniper, I fell on the knife countless times to make the relationship work within her boundaries, all the while sacrificing my own needs. It ripped me apart. This is really up to you to decide how far you want to take things and to what length you are willing to go to. I agree with others that you should put yourself first and think about what you need from a partner. This person sounds like he disrespects you. If he is doing this now, it will most likely only get worse. I lived it. It's not fun. I lost who I was because of the relationship and my constantly trying to navigate the ever-changing terrain that I was required to acclimate to. Quite honestly, I wish I had become aware of Attachment Styles much earlier on because I most likely wouldn't have invested so much into my relationship with my ex DA. To briefly put things into perspective, she wanted me to move into her house (I gave up my place of residence to do so) and I moved in with her in October of this past year with the plan of getting engaged this Easter and married in November. She detached from me about 1.5 months later and ended the relationship right before Christmas, asking me to pick up my belongings in mid January. I was devastated. I will not ever compromise myself or my needs again for anyone who isn't willing to give equally in a relationship. I hope this helps in some way. I wish you well on your journey! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 0:05:43 GMT
I'm sorry to say, I see so many great big red flags....the whirlwind romance, the lovebombing, followed by silence, the criticisms, the anger, the pride, etc...shudder....reminds me of Cluster B behavior...  |
|
