Omigosh, thoughts please?

@future, i really understand the heartache of your situation.

it's seems like you are between a rock and a hard place, but be careful about making any assumptions that torture you and leave you powerless.

I hear you saying that you fear that it is over, and actually, , maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Once i had a man avoiding me because his testosterone was low and he was struggling with ED. I am only saying because, you never really know.

And he clearly does want to have a connection with you. I say connection instead of relationship becauaebif he is DA you have to expand your appreciation for what a meaningful engagement means, lol. I enjoy my relationship with my partner so much and it makes my life richer , challenges me, and comforts me... but it would be terribly inadequate for most people on this board. But really, it has made me heal my own issues and come to a peaceful understanding of what i need, and what i don't want. It has forced me to resolve my own wounds from childhood and inner conflicts. I am a work in progress but this relationship has provided a wonderful areana to battle out against myself , and him. this is the way i understand challenges and obstacles, they can really bring out the worst of you, and you can work with that until you it is able to bring out the best.

So, don't assume what he is thinking and his intentions... know your own thoughts and intentions and empower the both of you to be honest by asking good questions, and stating your truth. If you aren't there yet, this might be a good place to work that out! this is all practice, and a way for us to recognize our self defeating, limiting, fear based patterns.

i know it would be great to have it as simple as "will this relationship work?" but i think it's always a question of "what work can i do in myself to heal and grow and learn about myself so i can be better for myself and other people?" and then sometimes we have to break up or go deeper to make it work. who knows. it depends on what both you and he are willing to confront.

it's taken me a very long time to get where i am , i am a late bloomer but i'm blooming lol

as a side note, with tongue in cheek - there is something about DA men lol.. isn't there? i wonder if in their injury and being forced into self sufficiency at an early age it opened their mind to become things outside of the template , outside of the limiting expectations of people around them. i know a few DA men who are so special in many ways, extremely difficult in others. they are a mixed bag haha! but- stay true to your own process and time will show you if he is special in the way you need him to be- meaning... AVAILABLE to meet your very valid needs for support and intimacy.

i relate, my DA relationship has been the worst and best for me haha!
settled into a good thing so far. but it was a cathartic process that i was ready for.

For the sake of the conversation, let me refer to me as DA and you as Anxiously attached:

As a DA, i am naturally going to be overtly selfish in my approach to relationships. it is my programming, and it is deeply ingrained.
As Anxious, your approach will be naturally Covertly selfish, codependent. You will naturally consider my needs and attempt to acquiesce to them and while that may seem altruistic, the driving motivation will be to get what you want, which is a relationship where you feel good.

This isn't a judgement or statement of poor character, it's how we are wounded. we are both insecure.

I may want to connect with you but my idea of that will be different than yours. and i will always consider my needs and fears before yours. that's because i have been surviving with little support all my life.

I am not sure what your wounds feel like. i may have no idea. but if you let me protect myself at your expense i will without realizing it. Ugly but true. you have to know your issues and be working hard to solve them to get anywhere with me, and it's the same for me. I have to give more and you have to give less. that's kind of the bottom line to put it simply.

Growth for both of us will be finding out how we are hurt and taking good care to heal up our injuries, the ones we got when we were kids. That means self love and attention to feelings and needs, for both of us.

as A DA, myself, who has come to a point of being able to understand and meet the needs of those around me because i feel ok inside myself, i urge you to take good care of yourself and recognize where fear is driving your beliefs and choices. and know that i will never love you more than YOU love you. You will always have to love yourself more and let me catch up. and be ok if i don't show it in the ways you show me your love for me! Know my language.
Learn it.

it is a lot of inner work. but if you are aware of any assumptions you make, you can examine them and see if that's a good basis for a decision.

If your self esteem is low and you don't take care of your hurts, a relationship with a DA will be the worst thing for you. But if you choose to get and remain true to yourself while having compassion for a DA also, you can sometimes grow.

My situation i would say is the exception, at least on online forums haha.
I would never expect my DA partner to be on an online forum looking for answers, that would be impossible to imagine. But he is in therapy after serious loss in his life, so his process is solitary and very personal and he doesn't even share a lot with me except his changed behavior when we overcome things.

Anyway- never throw yourself under the bus for someone else. We really only can be loved and cared for to the extent we love and care for ourselves.

having lunch with him in the absence of a sexual relationship right now, and while he is working a lot and under pressure otherwise, is good. i mean, he clearly isn't pursuing you for sex.... that's obvious from what you are posting.

I used to think my guy was purely selfish but the fact is, he appreciates just being friends and relaxing and enjoying not having to meet anybody's need. Ironically, just like me. He is actually generous, and to his detriment. He is always taking care of people. He runs himself into the ground. another way to avoid his internal pain, but also it's not all pathological- he has a big heart. He struggles with intimacy but when he opens and trusts, he shows me a deep inner life that is very philosophical and spiritual.

So i am glad, honestly, as a DA, for his sake- that you are nurturing him with your friendly presence because that is really important to us. Moreso than futures and promises, we need so much to be able to just be. where we are. how we are. while we figure stuff out.

If the time you are spending together is good, but not enough for you, how about making some additional male friends to do fun things with. Lunch, see a movie, have dinner. I'm not suggesting you sleep with multiple men, but have an active social life while you are not in a committed relationship.

Just to be in a state of mind where you are busy enjoying yourself and not pining for one guy. It's more attractive, especially to a DA, to be blithe and bonny than to whine and complain. Guild trips are very unsexy, going on weekend trips with your girlfriends is really exciting :-)

Oh, okay, in that case I misunderstood. My apologies!
You could get busy having fun with female friends.
And hobbies too. Just generally having other fun things to do would put you in a midset where you don't lose yourself or your mind.

Just take you time with that, i would say.
I've been working a long time, and he and i have similar issues so he warmed up to discussion pretty well and recognized that we are broken in similar ways.
it created a rapport.

He still is a classic avoidant , he is just gaining awareness and working on things. But his skin, is avoidant skin lol...
i know where his line is, and when he actas all avoidant i just stay consistent and don't mention it... he gets over it.

what i am saying is we have built some trust around it over time. If you work on yourself and it shows in your calm and stable sense of self and your own feeling of personal value, if he is interested in keeping you, he will notice and respond. That's my experience but everyone is different. If you come at it overtly even with talking about your work he might feel an agenda and a "fix it" mentality.

just let your work show up in your presence. and that means in boundaries and good communication, not just calming your fear and such. Really get ok with you and DA's feel much better around that. Because we don't want to save people. We want them to quietly be ok and not overestimate our importance in their life. Ha . not saying dance to his tune but that's a peek inside the mind of a DA.