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Post by tnr9 on Mar 22, 2018 12:43:26 GMT
So it has been an interesting but frustrating couple of weeks. Last weekend I went to a friend's wedding...they had it in a rather large space in her building. I was assigned the task of greeting people, taking their coats and letting them know where the restrooms were. Everything was going well...and the "B" showed up....I did not know he was invited, I believe he did not know I was invited. I won't lie..it felt awkward. I knew that if I went into the room, that awkward feeling would persist, so I continued manning the door while "B" circulated inside. In truth, it made things a lot better....I felt a lot of peace and I was focused on my task. "B" even came out and spoke to me a couple times which was nice. Once everything was winding down, he left and I moved forward to talk to other friends. Later that night, he reached out with a text to tell me he would not be at church the next day. I waited and provided a general response the next day. He then sent me another text asking how the rest of the wedding went. I again waited and sent him a general text. Yesterday he sent me a text asking how I was and telling me that his new job is going well and that he is praying for me. I don't know why...it activated me...I had a visceral scared reaction to it. I spoke to a friend...she thinks it is about control....I don't think it is that...however she helped me to craft another generic message back to him.
i could understand this reaching out if it was consistent....but he hasn't done that since he started coming back to the community group. I know he isn't trying to get back together...and this is not about control...so I don't understand his motives and that causes me to take the focus off me and put them squarely back on him. So I need some help here.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 22, 2018 13:41:29 GMT
So...I spent some time on this....
I have decided to take his text as just a friendly catch up...nothing more, nothing less.....however...I personally am still swirling because I "wanted" it to mean more....I wanted it to mean "interest"....so I get to moarn that all over again. This is the downside of having such a large capacity for hope....but I would rather have the hope then not have it at all.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 22, 2018 14:50:36 GMT
And now I feel angry....as if he is checking in and trying to hurry me along to get over him.....and that isn't specifically in the text at all...so why am I reacting to it? I feel about 10 and I wasn't expecting this at all. I think because there hasn't been another text since my last one....and because space has always left room for misinterpretation...I see my mind going into various reasons for why he reached out but why he hasn't replied....and it sucks because it is impossible to have a grown up perspective when I feel 10. When I am in my 10 space, the world is not safe and everything is met with suspicion. So I am taking a moment to BREATHE because that is all I can do....I remind myself that "B" isn't my mom, he isn't my dad, he isn't the other kids who made fun of me while pretending to be my friends...he is none of them...his silence isn't a punishment for saying something wrong....it will all be ok. Phew...that moment is over.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 22, 2018 21:23:35 GMT
And now I feel angry....as if he is checking in and trying to hurry me along to get over him.....and that isn't specifically in the text at all...so why am I reacting to it? I feel about 10 and I wasn't expecting this at all. I think because there hasn't been another text since my last one....and because space has always left room for misinterpretation...I see my mind going into various reasons for why he reached out but why he hasn't replied....and it sucks because it is impossible to have a grown up perspective when I feel 10. When I am in my 10 space, the world is not safe and everything is met with suspicion. So I am taking a moment to BREATHE because that is all I can do....I remind myself that "B" isn't my mom, he isn't my dad, he isn't the other kids who made fun of me while pretending to be my friends...he is none of them...his silence isn't a punishment for saying something wrong....it will all be ok. Phew...that moment is over. It will all be OK - it doesn't serve you to analyse the whys in any way - you're creating a story whichever way you interpret this and it doesn't change the moment to moment reality. Maybe take a few moments to sit in your body and feel things out physically - let the mind do it's thing - as it does and ground back down into the here and now. |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 22, 2018 23:44:24 GMT
tnr9 have you asked yourself why you HAVE to answer all of his texts? Is this just kindness? Do you perhaps cherish hope? Are you strategically answering after some time in general expressions so that he wont feel smothered? I agree with your friend about the control. How does he react when you dont answer his messages? It is perhaps to soon for you not to care about the relationship anymore. Care about him, but not as a romantic partner, that would be the healthiest. It will also set you free. You need to take steps into your healing process. You mind may still over analyze, but take measures in the behavior towards him. He knows he is in control, as long as you react and respond to his moves.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2018 2:29:24 GMT
tnr9 have you asked yourself why you HAVE to answer all of his texts? Is this just kindness? Do you perhaps cherish hope? Are you strategically answering after some time in general expressions so that he wont feel smothered? I agree with your friend about the control. How does he react when you dont answer his messages? It is perhaps to soon for you not to care about the relationship anymore. Care about him, but not as a romantic partner, that would be the healthiest. It will also set you free. You need to take steps into your healing process. You mind may still over analyze, but take measures in the behavior towards him. He knows he is in control, as long as you react and respond to his moves. I answer his texts because I still care about him deeply...and yes, I still desire a reconciliation if I am honest. I feel better....more centered.....he hasn't replied to my last text...I suspect I will not receive another. I have determined that this isn't about control....perhaps I am a bit blinded by my own care...but I am the one who dated him. I think that having started a new job...he was simply reaching out to someone he knew cared about him. Nothing more, nothing less...he knows that I am here for him....so that is why he reached out. |
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