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Post by Jo on Sept 12, 2016 15:38:24 GMT
Hello everyone, I am struggling with something, and would appreciate some advice as I am on the verge of leaving a 5 year relationship with a very self-aware avoidant who has tried his best to face his demons and challenges and give me as much as he can.
We talked about the 'drained battery' phenomenon which has been aired on this forum. He has confirmed my thoughts on this - that as the closest person to me I often drain him. I asked him if, as the closest person, I had drawn that short straw by default. In other words, that the closest person to him would always have this effect. He said yes.
We have our own independant circle of friends and interests. He often tells me how spending time with these friends energises him, and is good for his mental health. Yes, you've guessed it, some of these people are women, although most of them he has known for at least 12 years plus, before I came along, and also whilst he was in previous relationships - none of which lasted as long as the one with me.
I am struggling with two things:
1. Knowing that he is having an enjoyable time with others, but feeling drained by me, even though he never rubs my nose in it. I asked him the question.
2. That I am in a relationship in which one feels drained by the other. I dont want this for him or me.
I have started to detach from the relationship. I feel like I have run out of battery life myself.
Thank you everyone. Jo |
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Sept 12, 2016 17:17:30 GMT
Hi Jo,
You say you don't want to be in a relationship in which one feels drained by the other. And it seems that it's all you can have with this man. Have you noticed some improvement over time? I mean some real improvement, not something nice he does by forcing himself while still having the same fear of intimacy.
I guess that he can enjoy spending time with his friends because those friendships are superficial. I may be wrong, but I'd be surprised if his avoidant attachment style had no impact of those friendships.
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Post by Mary on Sept 12, 2016 21:37:54 GMT
I am guessing that the friends that don't drain the battery do not expect or require anything of him emotionally. For me, the amount of the "drain" is the amount that the person requires emotionally. It could be things like talking about feelings, or physical intimacy. If I feel dangerously close to someone, or feel that their needs are high, they will drain my battery. The key for me has been catching myself before the battery gets way too low. I think it's akin to what other people think about stress. You have to "de stress" before you get to the point of blowing up.
If you are both feeling drained, it's likely your emotional/intimacy needs are mismatched. I think one of the reasons my current partner stays with me is his emotional needs are very low. The one thing he has said that no one before him has, is that he finds it very easy to be with me. His low emotional needs eases the pressure on me. I don't know if it's possible though to not feel drained at times. It's more how to manage it.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on Sept 12, 2016 22:15:41 GMT
Jo,
I'm certainly not an expert, and the situation was very different, but I saw a similar phenomenon with the avoidant I dealt with. He had a group of "friends" (mostly women) with whom he had fairly superficial relationships - he was the charmingly dominant person in these relationships and these people didn't demand much from him. He was typically more intelligent and more worldly than these people and I suspect that most of them were somewhat in awe of him.
As an example of how superficial his relationships were with these people, once I saw a photo of him with some of these "friends" and, in the photo, I immediately noticed that he looked extremely ill. From a photo, I knew that there was something very wrong with him. I asked him what had happened and he told me that the photo was taken the first time he had a major gout attack. He said that he was trying to act normal, but that he was so sick that he thought that he might collapse on the spot. He had been in a crowd of his "friends" and yet he told me that none of his friends noticed that anything was wrong with him or seemed concerned. In my mind, that's a group of pretty superficial friends. Yet, at the end of our relationship, he assured me that these other people were his great friends while, overnight, he morphed me into his enemy.
I wonder, could the battery draining statements be another form of pushing away similar to the "being too busy with work" which is a common avoidant excuse? You're the one who is around trying to live a normal daily life with him. I wonder if just the normal civilities of life and having another person around who might want to talk could be enough pressure to kick in his automatic avoidant feelings? Also, by definition, you don't have a superficial relationship and you have rights to his attention and concern. Could just being forced to consider another person be too much? I know that the avoidant I knew told me that he often spent many days happily alone and that other people being around often exhausted him.
I'm definitely not an expert and my situation was very different, but it is amazing how similar all of the stories about avoidants are on this forum. There definitely seems to be a pattern.
I hope things work out for you so that you'll be OK.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by Jo on Sept 13, 2016 7:35:29 GMT
Hi, thank you Raco, Mary and Katie for taking the time to respond. All of your replies ring true in many ways. Raco - yours was a little hard to swallow at first, because what you wrote was true, in that I'm struggling with this, but it is all that I have. Mary - your reply was particularly useful because you use the same language (sometimes even the exact words) that my partner uses. You appear, by the way, to both share an almost identical childhood background, according to what you have written in one of your posts.
i am now detaching from the relationship. I am answering his texts and emails courteously, but they are a small fraction in length compared to before. I am not responding to future plans. I am very sorry if this sounds cruel, but I am all spent up now. I just don't know what to say to him. We have been through so much, and are very close (clearly this is the problem). We have both grown through one another. There are elements of each other that we both need. I am very calm and rational and quite unemotional at times. But I am loving too. He says that I don't always drain him - think of all the lovely times - he says. But for some reason, that short conversation that I mentioned in my first post got to me. It hurt, and I feel envious and on the periphery.
At the moment, a coin is being tossed in the air in very, very slow motion. I am waiting to see which side it lands on.
Jo
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Post by Mary on Sept 13, 2016 16:24:33 GMT
Jo, you do have to think about your own mental health and what you want/need out of a relationship. I just wanted to mention something about how he has an enjoyable time with other and feels drained by you. I think to most people this sounds like a negative, but for him, I don't know that it necessarily is. I don't think it's possible for me to have a relationship and not feel drained at times. It's not a negative, it's just a part of it for me. It means that you are very close to him versus the others who are not close, which is positive. The drain really is self inflicted. The avoidant may see it as an outside force, but it's really an internal struggle. I'm sure his words hurt you and it's difficult to see what lies beneath and to understand the real meaning. It's also very difficult for me to explain to you in writing although I think I have a good idea what's going on in his head. I, too, have said very hurtful things to my partner. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, want you or that you're not valuable to his life.
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Post by Jo on Sept 14, 2016 8:13:17 GMT
Thank you Mary, this is a very thoughtful response, and I appreciate it very much. He has used the words 'internal struggle'. He does love me, and he does want me. He has said that he is very lucky to have me in his life.
I miss him already. I drafted a chatty, newsy email to him this morning. But then I deleted it before I sent it. I just couldn't see the point anymore. I'm too hurt.
Thank you everyone. Jo.
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Post by Andrea on Sept 18, 2016 3:50:36 GMT
Having to care for your own mental health is hard to admit when you feel your life will be so awful without the one you love. After 22 years of cohabitation, 2 arguments, the last one on the last day I saw her., she left. Had become distant, all the techniques to avoid me etc. we are both professional, one a Dr. The other psych. Yes psych PA. When you love someone it's from the heart not head. Had I looked at the situation as a clinician the outcome may have been different. She left while I was asleep, took all her clothes, left anything I ever bought her. Moved to another state. Been 5 weeks, no email, no call, no new address no new phone # . Poof gone. Has contacted all my friends, I still love her blah blah. The harsh reality I'd she can't trust, love etc. I confronted her that night and paid the ultimate price. The broken heart will heal, I promise you that. Anyone who has gone or is going through this pain may or may not agree. Let me add, I turn 70 next month. I was left with a SS check after having all bills paid etc. my support and love was always present. I've not been demanding because I knew the outcome. I couldn't take all of the crap one takes with the avoidant and decided I shouldn't waste what's left of my life on an impossible task. Having her love me. Think of yourself, find a partner who will respect you and love you. Don't wait until you are too old to start again. I look back and cry over an illusion I chose to be reality, a love that could never come to fruition. Look past the mask, look for sincerity, look for kindness, not there? You shouldn't be either.
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Post by Jo on Sept 18, 2016 12:15:47 GMT
Hi Andrea. Thank you for your honest and brave reply. I appreciate it very much. This morning I confronted the 'elephant in the room' in the most supportive way possible. Like you, Ihave paid the price for wanting to put right something that I had predicted (to him) would eventually come between us, but he had chosen not to do anything about.
It wasn't actually about my demands - a third party friend of his had picked up on something - and that had exposed it. I just wanted to put it right, but I was met with defensiveness and a closing down response, hence the 'drained battery' remark. Those of his friends and harem who didnt say say anything, because they still don't know the about the issue (and probably never will now) were in his words 'easy to be around', No great skill there I think, it is easy to be 'really good company' when you don't know the truth about someone. The mask, as you say.
Ive just walked away from him in a car park. My closing words to him were 'you've gone now'. I initially felt guilty, and then I clicked onto this site and read your post. I dont feel guilty anymore. My moral integrity that he said was so important to him, had grounded him and taught him so much, had eventually turned against him, and I've just realised that it is me that has actually gone.
I don't know if I will meet someone else - but I'd like to think so. I hope that you do too. Best wishes, Jo.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 2, 2016 17:42:56 GMT
Hi Jo,
I was wondering how this has turned out for you so far? Have you communicated with him any?
My ex bf broke up with me a couple months ago, and he basically communicated to me that he had the 'drained battery' thing going on. I had no knowledge of this symptom of AD (or AVPD, which I believe he has) so at the time, I just couldn't understand. I'm an introvert like him, and also need time alone. But when I was with him, I never felt 'drained.' I offered to spend less time together, to give him more alone time, but he said that "at some point, we will get to this stage again, where you want to see me more....and I just can't do it. There's something wrong with me." It was very hurtful, because he can spend time with his friends and not feel as drained.... But looking back, I see that being so emotionally close to someone is the trigger, not necessarily just spending time with anyone.
I'm glad I saw your story on here, it made me feel a bit less alone. I hope things are getting better for you-
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Post by Tom on Oct 3, 2016 3:55:32 GMT
JO....I've been married to a dismissive-avoidant wife for 15 years...my first marriage, her second. My wife got no love from her parents and suffered from their unstable life. I opened my heart to my wife in every way, but failed to see that my needs would never be fulfilled. She is a textbook case right down to the fast push-aways when I hug her to the shuttered windows, dark abstract paintings, and zero need for quality time. After 10 years, I still loved her but asked her permission to get a girlfriend because I could not take the loneliness anymore. She said no, so I just stopped having sex with her, because there was absolutely no love or emotion or feeling coming from her. She has never mentioned it and acts like everything is normal. Strangely, I still love her and feel committed to her, but I have lost all of my "battery power". She refuses to this day of any possibility that she could be abnormal. These dismissive-avoidant people do deep down crave companionship....but that desire is constantly suppressed by their fears of rejection and intimacy. Only when she is very very sad will she come to me for comfort. Take my advice, Jo, let this man go...move on...you will NEVER be able to change him...he will never show you love like you need. Please...please....you will regret every day you are with him....you deserve more.
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Post by Jo on Oct 3, 2016 7:37:57 GMT
Hello Trixie5179 and Tom, Thank you both for your replies. Trixie, I read your blog and almost replied to you, but other, wiser members did reply, and so I left it there. Tom - I appreciate your genuine words. I know, as many of us do here, that these words have come from from a good place. The upshot is that we are still together. Despite it all, there is something that binds me and my partner together. When we are in conflict (although this is much less often nowadays) we both suffer deep pain and cannot function properly, although he would never admit that. But his emails and texts show otherwise. We talked a little about this a couple of days ago, and it was concluded that we both give each other something that we need. For him - I 'normalise' it all. For me - he is an anchor. You could say that we are slightly co-dependant - I genuinely don't think that it is in a toxic way, but it has the capability of shaping our day if something goes wrong between us. I have said this before, but he is very, very aware, and spends at least a couple of hours every morning journaling his thoughts and fears (which are based on the fear of control that intimacy and other things not connected to me brings). Whenever I see a post from Mary on this site, I read it with interest, because (and I hope you don't mind me saying this Mary) she and my partner appear to be very alike, not only in their childhood background, but also with their level of awareness. Only recently, Mary posted something on the lines of her new partner 'teaching' her - I've been told those words too. In a nutshell Trixie, he has taken on board very seriously what I said to him, and he is trying his best. I, in turn, have read some texts for professionals which relate to his childhood history, and how the abuse can manifest itself as an adult. There is much more to it than simply being a DA. I have to cut him some slack on this. He swims against the tide in many ways to keep me, and I show compassion in return. But since my last post, as have reflected too, and yes Tom, there is some truth in what you say. I understand where you are coming from too.
Best wishes, Jo
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