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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 25, 2018 0:00:35 GMT
I think one reason I can get so stuck is that I can't get past the "But, should I try to communicate with this person ONE more time?" question. I just can't definitely and with commitment and total belief answer to myself, "no."
How do I know the other person isn't also wanting more reconciliation? I mean, how do you KNOW? What if the potential is there and by trying to move on I'm denying that potential from flowering into some beautiful reality?
Anyone have any advice on getting past this? We haven't had any real communication in years. I just find it so hard to accept the other person wouldn't want to somehow EVER have again the deep friendship we once had. I just can't get past the wondering what they think and feel.
Maybe sometimes we just have to live with this ambiguity indefinitely and it just can't be gotten past? I recognize that this is about me. Even if the other person were to write me and directly say "I'm totally done, it's over forever, I don't want any reconciliation" I would probably still wonder "But do they mean it? Or do they just think they should say it. Maybe they just want/need me to try harder"? Etc.
Discuss.
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Post by mrob on Mar 25, 2018 6:29:45 GMT
I have that problem, too. It wouldn't matter how clearly it's put, and the actions that follow, that little bit in my mind tginks "Really?" Secures seem able to act in their own best interest. I'm never able to do that without inner conflict.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 26, 2018 2:46:47 GMT
I think one reason I can get so stuck is that I can't get past the "But, should I try to communicate with this person ONE more time?" question. I just can't definitely and with commitment and total belief answer to myself, "no." How do I know the other person isn't also wanting more reconciliation? I mean, how do you KNOW? What if the potential is there and by trying to move on I'm denying that potential from flowering into some beautiful reality? Anyone have any advice on getting past this? We haven't had any real communication in years. I just find it so hard to accept the other person wouldn't want to somehow EVER have again the deep friendship we once had. I just can't get past the wondering what they think and feel. Maybe sometimes we just have to live with this ambiguity indefinitely and it just can't be gotten past? I recognize that this is about me. Even if the other person were to write me and directly say "I'm totally done, it's over forever, I don't want any reconciliation" I would probably still wonder "But do they mean it? Or do they just think they should say it. Maybe they just want/need me to try harder"? Etc. Discuss. One of the greatest assets of having an AP attachment style is our spidey like focus on the other person.....I can spend literally hours focused on B and trying to "figure him out". I think from our own unique perspective, we would not want to give up on another person we cared about because that would mirror the abandonment fear that drives do much AP behaviors. The thing is....when we start to go down that rabbit hole of trying to understand another person, we tend to lose ourselves....we tend to personalize situations that aren't personal...they just "are". I cannot answer the deep question in your soul....I can say that what I am trying to do when I find that happening...is try to bring myself back to the present moment....which means back to being in my body and feeling my feelings....because that is all i have control over. I also use that as a signal that I am seeking connection, so I will reach out to a friend instead...someone who I know loves me just the way I am. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 26, 2018 23:21:55 GMT
One of the greatest assets of having an AP attachment style is our spidey like focus on the other person.....I can spend literally hours focused on B and trying to "figure him out". I think from our own unique perspective, we would not want to give up on another person we cared about because that would mirror the abandonment fear that drives do much AP behaviors. The thing is....when we start to go down that rabbit hole of trying to understand another person, we tend to lose ourselves....we tend to personalize situations that aren't personal...they just "are". I cannot answer the deep question in your soul....I can say that what I am trying to do when I find that happening...is try to bring myself back to the present moment....which means back to being in my body and feeling my feelings....because that is all i have control over. I also use that as a signal that I am seeking connection, so I will reach out to a friend instead...someone who I know loves me just the way I am. I think you're onto something with the "we would not want to give up on another person we cared about" idea. When I'm in these situations it's hard to get past feeling that way when the other person seems to have walked away. I like your idea of trying to figure out what other ways I could seek connection elsewhere... I am going to try that. Thanks. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 6, 2018 22:39:41 GMT
I think maybe by realising what someome else thinks and feels isnt relevant. How they choose to act is relevant.
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 6, 2018 23:25:23 GMT
I think maybe by realising what someome else thinks and feels isnt relevant. How they choose to act is relevant. I know...but...it's not like I've always acted in the most authentic or unregrettable way so I try to give other people the benefit of the doubt... |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 7, 2018 20:12:45 GMT
That's putting too much responsibility on you though. You have to let everyone else make their own choices. If they realise they were wrong then that's great but if they don't then you're taking responsibility onto yourself for someone else not being loving / engaged etc. I think the most central part of security in attachment is understanding that.
If someone hurts you it's not your fault.
If someone's behaviour isn't what you want its not your choice to change it.
If someone pushes you away it's not because something is wrong with you.
All these beliefs are the way to detach from "what if". It's like a subconscious belief that if you just work hard enough/ look right / be supportive then the person will magically change.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 7, 2018 21:10:51 GMT
All these beliefs are the way to detach from "what if". It's like a subconscious belief that if you just work hard enough/ look right / be supportive then the person will magically change. Yeh...BUT...it isn't so easy to move from the "what if" thinking for me at least because....if it isn't all my fault, if I can't "fix" it all on my own...then I feel I don't have any control. I am fantastic at magical thinking...it was a coping mechanism because "mom" couldn't be "wrong" about her assessment of me, mom couldn't be human and make mistakes...I had to be the one with all the "power" to make mom either happy or sad...so I was either ok or not. I think it will be continue to be an automatic response...for which I am trying to get ahead of. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 8, 2018 23:29:14 GMT
That's putting too much responsibility on you though. You have to let everyone else make their own choices. If they realise they were wrong then that's great but if they don't then you're taking responsibility onto yourself for someone else not being loving / engaged etc. I think the most central part of security in attachment is understanding that. If someone hurts you it's not your fault. If someone's behaviour isn't what you want its not your choice to change it. If someone pushes you away it's not because something is wrong with you. All these beliefs are the way to detach from "what if". It's like a subconscious belief that if you just work hard enough/ look right / be supportive then the person will magically change. Yasmin, very well put. I need to keep remembering this....and it isn't even always a subconscious belief, sometimes it makes its way into the conscious... |
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