Broke up with fearful avoidant, miserable

This may be long.

I’ve just ended a relationship with someone I think is avoidant having read up on a lot online. Not entirely sure however if this person was fearful or distant, but I would guess more on the fearful side.

I genuinely thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with at first. We clicked and got on better than I had done with any previous partner - so much in common, similar values, an insane attraction/chemistry that I’d never felt before. He pursued me incredibly strongly at first - was incredibly romantic, complimented me, made me feel so special. It was around 2 months in however that I got a gut feeling that something was wrong - it wasn’t glaringly obvious, so I tried to ignore it. But I thought it was odd that we had been dating for a while and were still only seeing each other once a week, and hadn’t yet become an “official” couple like in previous relationships I’ve had.

It was then that I started to become anxious, although having taken an online test I am apparently a secure (I decided to do this to see what my attachment style was, as I read that Avoidants often go for anxious and vice versa). Whilst I wasn’t anxious to begin with and haven’t been in previous relationships without good reason (someone cheated on me before and hid it, I knew something was up), this person started to make me feel less than from his actions and hot/cold behaviour eg cancelling at the last minute, inviting me to meet his friends then saying that plans had changed, hanging out with exes (and even going on what seemed to me like dates with them, although this was denied). I decided to break things off as it didn’t seem right but the moment I did, he came back around and begged me to be his girlfriend, and told me he was in love with me. Thinking he was just being a typical man, I said yes.

5 months on, he again distances himself and refuses to see me. I break up with him again, even though by this point I am completely besotted and in love. He then comes back again, saying how miserable he has been without me, and how he realises he hasn’t been treating me like I deserve. We get back together although in between I saw others. Then, 3 months later, he breaks up with me saying that I could never compare to “the one that got away”, and goes on this awful tirade about all my faults and how terrible I am. Immediately after this outburst he cried, knowing he had caused irreparable damage. The dance continued for one last time after he begged me back, after saying I’m the One, inviting me to move in with him and 3 weeks later said “I still have feelings for you, but I’m not sure if it’s working out. I don’t like it when you’re in my space.” Needless to say I am now incredibly angry. He had said he wanted to eventually get a house together and have children too - nothing that I had forced him to say. I am however more angry at myself for believing the fantasy that this person clearly could not give to me.

The day we broke up for good, I packed up all my things and told him to never speak to me again. He looked as if he was in physical pain, with tears again, but by this point it was too late. I wondered what had happened to the man who 3 months previously had begged me to come back. The worst thing was he couldn’t even see how much he was upsetting me, and couldn’t understand why I was crying, saying I was “overreacting and clingy” and that he had never been with someone that reacted in this anxious way. He couldn’t tell me he loved me (although he rarely did without prompting, now he couldn’t even say it back). I have now gone 2 weeks no contact and whilst it is hard, I know it’s what I need to do. He didn’t even seem to care when we broke up so I doubt I will be hearing from him this time. He told me “I’m not going to fight for you. I can’t tell you what you want to hear.”

He has told me that he hasn’t been as close to another person since his ex girlfriend (they broke up 7 years ago) and that it’s very hard for him to open up to people. I tried to be as patient as possible, but it got to the point where my self esteem could no longer take the push/pull behaviours. It was as if every time I got close, he got so anxious that he had to end it. Our sex life had also dwindled to nothing, which is also something I’d never experienced, and he said this had happened in other relationships and others got annoyed at him for it.

I feel like I’ve gone insane by being in this relationship. How do you recover from a relationship like this? All I wanted was to feel appreciated and supported, and I now feel like I’ve gone through acute emotional abuse... of course from his end, it’s all my fault (there was a million reasons why we weren’t going to work out from his perspective, but it was like he was just trying to find excuses).

Any advice much appreciated.