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Post by david21 on Mar 26, 2018 18:01:34 GMT
Some of the literature I’ve read on the AP/DA dynamic states that part of the attraction AP’s have to DA’s is an extreme envy of the DA’s traits. Particularly the independence and self reliance, ultra high confidence, calm, cool and collected demeanour, their need for no one and overall seemingly inability to be phased by anything. It is stated that this is the case because these are the traits ya AP’s lack and WISH we could have. For me, this hits the nail on the head and acted like a drug for me - I found these very traits incredibly attractive. No lie, you could have told my ex that she won 10 million dollars on the lottery and have had the same reaction as telling her the weather forecast for he day.
However, and what’s interesting is, it’s often stated that these traits that they seem to possess are really not legitimate and are merely a “front” to cover just as much insecurity as us AP’s have. The only difference being that DA’s internalize it and we, as you know, externalize it.
Curious to hear everyone’s thoughts on this. Do my fellow AP’s find these attributes an intoxicating draw? And for the DA’s, is it really just a front?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 18:14:11 GMT
Some of the literature I’ve read on the AP/DA dynamic states that part of the attraction AP’s have to DA’s is an extreme envy of the DA’s traits. Particularly the independence and self reliance, ultra high confidence, calm, cool and collected demeanour, their need for no one and overall seemingly inability to be phased by anything. It is stated that this is the case because these are the traits ya AP’s lack and WISH we could have. For me, this hits the nail on the head and acted like a drug for me - I found these very traits incredibly attractive. No lie, you could have told my ex that she won 10 million dollars on the lottery and have had the same reaction as telling her the weather forecast for he day. However, and what’s interesting is, it’s often stated that these traits that they seem to possess are really not legitimate and are merely a “front” to cover just as much insecurity as us AP’s have. The only difference being that DA’s internalize it and we, as you know, externalize it. Curious to hear everyone’s thoughts on this. Do my fellow AP’s find these attributes an intoxicating draw? And for the DA’s, is it really just a front? i don't see it as a front in myself at all. That is not to say i don't have insecurity and fear. But it isn't about all the things i am competent at. I experience little fear in life challenges, or at least if i feel fear it doesn't dissuade me from going head on into difficulty. I like challenges because i know i have a lot to bring to the table and i can make a difference. Any kind of challenge. I'm pretty sure. But, looking at how i approached my own heart for most of my life, there is where you will find the vulnerability that i shut down to protect. Letting someone in. That's where i have had no strength. Previously. Vulnerability to another human takes courage and strength and i had no clue that was an option. It's not enviable.  It's apples and oranges. Both conditions, DA and AP, destroy the soul if not addressed. Being vulnerable with my partner required a firm decision and resolve to follow through and i had to coach myself with sweaty palms. Over and over again. And i had to admit being wrong. a lot. gross. lol But yes, i know my strong traits are true traits. So are my weaknesses. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 18:34:35 GMT
i don't know if thisbwill make sense. i truly have positive regard for myself and have for a long time. Not always, but it's predominant over low self esteem.
And, i can let go of people and situations in my best interest , easily.
But when my partner and i started falling for each other all my stoic defenses about him went out the window.
We could have never spoken again and faked ok with that, both of us. i've done it many times before. Sometimes it was fake and sometimes i was hurt but i was always able to pick up and learn and move on. Not this time. I tried it, and i would say that LEAVING was weak of me. But i had to fail to grow. I was taking care of me, yes, but not honoring his sincerity, i was just defended. In this case, i just needed to grow in my security and perspective to reconnect with him.
With time and clarity and honesty, we found that we were both very hurt and upset and fearful about goodbye. But also about going deeper. So, it's not an easy thing to answer, it's complex. The thing is, once i realized i loved him for good i was fearless about growing to better handle it. so there's a good thing.
Both sides can stand to learn from each other, That is certain. From my vantage point.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 26, 2018 18:42:02 GMT
It#s interesting but I think in my own case the high self esteem which I feel a fair bit of the time, may have resulted from years of a kind of fake it til you make it mentality.
I have high self esteem as long as I am performing well (I am a self propelled high achiever and perfectionist in most areas) but I have noticed recently that I will avoid things I am not good at all together and that if I become mediocre it really knocks my confidence. Not true in every area of life, but certainly in some things for example sporting acheivments etc.
Calm and collected comes naturally - which is something I like about myself and as Juniper says - when I have parted company from loved ones, even though internally I may be weeping, very often on the outside I am just fine.
Intimate relationships really scare the hell out of me, being vulnerable, being less than perfect. My friends call me superwoman - but I certainly very rarely actually feel that way. We are all scarred and imperfect beings and I suspect that those who genuinely feel incredibly high self esteem all the time, are, at some deep level, kidding themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 18:56:59 GMT
It#s interesting but I think in my own case the high self esteem which I feel a fair bit of the time, may have resulted from years of a kind of fake it til you make it mentality. I have high self esteem as long as I am performing well (I am a self propelled high achiever and perfectionist in most areas) but I have noticed recently that I will avoid things I am not good at all together and that if I become mediocre it really knocks my confidence. Not true in every area of life, but certainly in some things for example sporting acheivments etc. Calm and collected comes naturally - which is something I like about myself and as Juniper says - when I have parted company from loved ones, even though internally I may be weeping, very often on the outside I am just fine. Intimate relationships really scare the hell out of me, being vulnerable, being less than perfect. My friends call me superwoman - but I certainly very rarely actually feel that way. We are all scarred and imperfect beings and I suspect that those who genuinely feel incredibly high self esteem all the time, are, at some deep level, kidding themselves. I have a kind of odd thing. i don't know if you can relate ocarina ... for a long time, i didn't have high or low self esteem, i didn't consider it. i mean i felt blank and kind of detached. Part of feeling good about myself is giving myself leeway to not be good at everything. i can't say exactly when that happened for me but i am not a perfectionist and don't mind doing something "good enough" - so that came over time. I was too disconnected from myself to know if i had low or high esteem in my earlier years. I don't know. I don't think it's as easy as "Fake" or "Real" - again with each individual having many other contributing factors even in their attachment injuries themselves- it's nuanced, perhaps. This is a great topic. I know my partner is insecure about some things and fronts it, but a really inspiring force about others. He did tell me he couldn't imagine living without me but that feeling that way was a good incentive to stop letting it go deeper. Nuhiiiice. but i can relate so it didnt scare me off. periodically i end things in my mind but i recognize that as a trigger and don't act it out. That's when i have to look at my fear and self soothe to not break up in actuality. It hits me out of the blue and it convinces me that it is telling me the truth and i need to Go. I am so glad when i don't. And yes it hits when i realize more how much i care. So our relationship is Braveafraid. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 26, 2018 23:29:45 GMT
Yes. ...except that even with my tendency to end up with feelings for such people, I do feel independent and self-reliant. I feel like I can take all my desire and longing and whatever else and go off in the world and be independent and self reliant (perhaps out of necessity)  I wonder though if EVERYONE is drawn to that. Like who are most people attracted to at a nightclub (or whatever)? The person walking around with confidence acting like nothing fazes them. It makes me think of that Taylor Swift song, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in..." You know they're trouble from the beginning, but it's like the bad boy/bad girl thing, there's a certain allure anyway. On the other hand, I could see how some people would be attracted to it a bit here and there, and other people more hooked on individuals more longterm and with enduring desire. Like maybe if you have secure attachment you're attracted to that for a night or a month and then you realize the futility, but if you end up in an AP-DA dynamic the feelings can last for years, or longer because you want to think it isn't futile...? |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 27, 2018 2:02:38 GMT
I think it is more familiarity.....after all....they say we are attracted to individuals who are to some degree like our dad or mom. I don't think I envy or so much desire those traits as much as I would like to quiet my attachment system and it seems that someone who is laid back, showing only some interest....that is the person that does it...because when it is easy...when it doesn't require me tristing into a pretzel...it doesn't feel right. I don't trust it.
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