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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2018 12:48:42 GMT
goldilocks, my little juniper is hugging little goldi, andni maybe later we can go play in the forest 😁 i am glad you are healing. I am very glad we are here together. I have therapy and i have secure/Da girlfriends, and i have a DA partner. who is in therapy also---- but here is where i can come with my avoidant self and find connection for things i'm not working through with them. It's not that we can't talk about all this, my friends and partner and i- but there is the perennial issue of time availability with avoidants haha! The struggle is real 😂 Here i have the precious opportunity to go deep, when i have time and space inside myself, and commune with others who share my path. I really appreciate it!! And i know it helps me be even better for the people i care about in real life. ❤️
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2018 12:50:50 GMT
yasmin, you're brave and i thank you again for bringing this topic to us. i hope we can be a good support to you.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 28, 2018 13:19:28 GMT
So...I am posting in the DA section because this is a dismissive kind of topic. I was in my therapists office the other day, and I haven't actually talked to her AT ALL about attachment in the few months I have been seeing her and the topic has actually never come up. I went to see her actually for some unresolved grief. So during my last session, as I was leaving she handed me a booklet on "Disorganised Attachment" and asked me to read it. So she'd obviously diagnosed me as FA during our conversations. Ha ha. It took her 6 weeks and me 40 years. So anyway, she also handed me a brochure on disassociation because she thinks I do this - just basically switch off, withdraw, feel nothing, don't miss anyone, don't want contact with anyone, don't engage on any level and slip into this state where I am just totally isolated. Also, I have disassociative amnesia, where certain elements of my past / painful things are completely blocked out. No matter how hard I try I can't remember those events. I know they happened, but I don't remember if it was by phone or face to face. I just completely block it out and can't access it even if I try very hard to. Anyone else experiences this disassociation? For me, there are long period of my life where I just disappeared. Moved to another country, stopped speaking to friends or family, buried ,myself in work and almost completely withdrew from my identity. Since I was 20 I can account for about 11 of those 20 years being in a complete state of withdrawal from intimate contact with ANYBODY. Like literally going weeks, months, years without having a hug or a conversation. Oh yes..... I can often remember the event but with absolutely no emotional history attached. In times of trauma I disappear away from friends, family - sometimes for months and somehow can't bring myself to reach out. So yes Yasmin - I know this well. Sometimes emotion will be triggered by a totally out of context event, something I read, television, someones throw away comment often years after the event. I think of it as a survival tactic. Strangely on the radio just now there were women discussing coercive control and abusive households - and it described my family home exactly and yet I never saw it as abusive - instead i just hid in my own cocoon and let it all wash over me. Abuse was normal I suppose. |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 28, 2018 16:07:01 GMT
goldilocks , my little juniper is hugging little goldi, andni maybe later we can go play in the forest 😁 i am glad you are healing. I am very glad we are here together. I have therapy and i have secure/Da girlfriends, and i have a DA partner. who is in therapy also---- but here is where i can come with my avoidant self and find connection for things i'm not working through with them. It's not that we can't talk about all this, my friends and partner and i- but there is the perennial issue of time availability with avoidants haha! The struggle is real 😂 Here i have the precious opportunity to go deep, when i have time and space inside myself, and commune with others who share my path. I really appreciate it!! And i know it helps me be even better for the people i care about in real life. ❤️ Litte goldi loves hugs and would love to play in the forest together 😁 I greatly appreciate my friendships for the connection of having been there for each other for years and having seen each other through highs and lows. We connect from human to human with shared interest and goals and the parts of our hearts that are whole. I also very much value my therapist, because she can hold space for me to embark on this path. I trust her as a professional to provide the tools I ask for and the tools I need. I trust her to coach me, challenge me and hold a mirror to my heart so I can know what to heal. Yet, this place is something else because we connect over the parts of our hearts that are yet to be whole as we walk the same path. Being able to share what seems so alien to most people and hearing`Yeah, I have something similar` is incredibly liberating. |
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Post by yasmin on Mar 28, 2018 18:48:02 GMT
As a sidenote, any other Avoidants who know their ACOA role? I think that while I am an only child, I was a lost child mostly. I lived in my own world, attaching to book characters and fantasies. I was the lost child. |
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Post by yasmin on Mar 28, 2018 18:49:39 GMT
I´ve opened a thread for my issues to avoid highjacking this topic, because a lot is coming up for me. I´m feeling really emotional now. Perhaps we DA people attach to nature, books, animals and fantasy characters because our family was not safe to attach to. I think i developed a fantasy life or learned to exist almost completely in my head. I still have that capability and can be hermit-like in my existence. You'd never know this if you met me, most people call me vivacious and confident and funny but honestly; sometimes I think I live completely in my own world! |
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Post by yasmin on Mar 28, 2018 18:56:59 GMT
So...I am posting in the DA section because this is a dismissive kind of topic. I was in my therapists office the other day, and I haven't actually talked to her AT ALL about attachment in the few months I have been seeing her and the topic has actually never come up. I went to see her actually for some unresolved grief. So during my last session, as I was leaving she handed me a booklet on "Disorganised Attachment" and asked me to read it. So she'd obviously diagnosed me as FA during our conversations. Ha ha. It took her 6 weeks and me 40 years. So anyway, she also handed me a brochure on disassociation because she thinks I do this - just basically switch off, withdraw, feel nothing, don't miss anyone, don't want contact with anyone, don't engage on any level and slip into this state where I am just totally isolated. Also, I have disassociative amnesia, where certain elements of my past / painful things are completely blocked out. No matter how hard I try I can't remember those events. I know they happened, but I don't remember if it was by phone or face to face. I just completely block it out and can't access it even if I try very hard to. Anyone else experiences this disassociation? For me, there are long period of my life where I just disappeared. Moved to another country, stopped speaking to friends or family, buried ,myself in work and almost completely withdrew from my identity. Since I was 20 I can account for about 11 of those 20 years being in a complete state of withdrawal from intimate contact with ANYBODY. Like literally going weeks, months, years without having a hug or a conversation. It´s very brave of you to take the step to go our and find therapy for your unresolved grief. Not many find the courage to delve inside. You also seem to have chosen a therapist who understands your issues well, which is great of both of you. Have you noticed patterns of when you tend to disappear? For me, I did want to disconnect whenever there was a risk of others finding out a larger part of my story and seeing how hurt and flawed I was. When I was younger, my friendships were not as deep as they are now and I did not feel strong enough attachment to resist the option to make a fresh start in a new place, with new people or simply withdrawing to cocoon and return as a new me. In the moment, I saw it as a positive thing. Learning to be a better person than last year, I felt the need to set the past aside and avoid having to talk about memories that made me sad. Well, I am learning a lot with this therapist. I have had other therapists before but I don't think they ever got to the root in the same way. the essence of my attachment issues are basically I grew up with very unstable /unsafe parents who didn't acknowledge my needs and put conditions on affection. Reacting to their behavior would result in punishment of some sort. So for example if my mother did something cruel to me and I called her out, she'd either become very ill / on brink of death (my fault for arguing with her) or she'd give me the silent treatment or verbal abuse. My Father would just ignore me really and saw any emotion as totally disgusting. So I learned to stay away from people and give up on letting anyone know what I felt. Attachment for me means sacrifice, it means someone else's needs coming first, it means putting on a fake persona to be "perfect" enough to deserve love. I have real problems showing vulnerability or the real me or sharing any weakness with anyone...I was raised to think it was disgusting to do that and I have no recollection as a child of ever ONCE being comforted when I was afraid, or having a conflict resolved healthily or even just of someone saying "sorry" that they hurt me. So I just don't tell people when they hurt me. I am veyr much like you, and there's a tipping point where I feel like something has hurt me /happened and I can't tolerate it so I just drift off. I either hermit myself for weeks /months or a leave the country. I have now lived in 10 countries and if I hadn't become a mother I am sure it would be more like 20. I'm very closely attached to my friends and my child - but still have issues with parents and significant others. What I am going to work on with the therapist is the idea that I don't need to be perfect, that conflict can be resolved and that not EVERY person is going to abuse me or betray me if I show weakness. I think it's a long road... |
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Post by yasmin on Mar 28, 2018 18:59:33 GMT
So...I am posting in the DA section because this is a dismissive kind of topic. I was in my therapists office the other day, and I haven't actually talked to her AT ALL about attachment in the few months I have been seeing her and the topic has actually never come up. I went to see her actually for some unresolved grief. So during my last session, as I was leaving she handed me a booklet on "Disorganised Attachment" and asked me to read it. So she'd obviously diagnosed me as FA during our conversations. Ha ha. It took her 6 weeks and me 40 years. So anyway, she also handed me a brochure on disassociation because she thinks I do this - just basically switch off, withdraw, feel nothing, don't miss anyone, don't want contact with anyone, don't engage on any level and slip into this state where I am just totally isolated. Also, I have disassociative amnesia, where certain elements of my past / painful things are completely blocked out. No matter how hard I try I can't remember those events. I know they happened, but I don't remember if it was by phone or face to face. I just completely block it out and can't access it even if I try very hard to. Anyone else experiences this disassociation? For me, there are long period of my life where I just disappeared. Moved to another country, stopped speaking to friends or family, buried ,myself in work and almost completely withdrew from my identity. Since I was 20 I can account for about 11 of those 20 years being in a complete state of withdrawal from intimate contact with ANYBODY. Like literally going weeks, months, years without having a hug or a conversation. Oh yes..... I can often remember the event but with absolutely no emotional history attached. In times of trauma I disappear away from friends, family - sometimes for months and somehow can't bring myself to reach out. So yes Yasmin - I know this well. Sometimes emotion will be triggered by a totally out of context event, something I read, television, someones throw away comment often years after the event. I think of it as a survival tactic. Strangely on the radio just now there were women discussing coercive control and abusive households - and it described my family home exactly and yet I never saw it as abusive - instead i just hid in my own cocoon and let it all wash over me. Abuse was normal I suppose.# Exactly the same for me, I cocooned myself and barely registered it. I don't even remember being scared, I just remember it being my "job" in some way to try and help /fix / do whatever was needed that day to make THEM feel better / be nicer. Not even for me (I don;t think I gave much of a shit) but just because it was normal and their mood was the most important thing. I don;t think I even fully know (aged 40) how to work out what I feel. It's almost autopilot to make the other person's feelings the priority. I never developed the ability to feel my own feelings - they just din't exist. |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 28, 2018 21:04:41 GMT
I think i developed a fantasy life or learned to exist almost completely in my head. I still have that capability and can be hermit-like in my existence. You'd never know this if you met me, most people call me vivacious and confident and funny but honestly; sometimes I think I live completely in my own world! We are so much alike! |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 28, 2018 21:12:56 GMT
It´s very brave of you to take the step to go our and find therapy for your unresolved grief. Not many find the courage to delve inside. You also seem to have chosen a therapist who understands your issues well, which is great of both of you. Have you noticed patterns of when you tend to disappear? For me, I did want to disconnect whenever there was a risk of others finding out a larger part of my story and seeing how hurt and flawed I was. When I was younger, my friendships were not as deep as they are now and I did not feel strong enough attachment to resist the option to make a fresh start in a new place, with new people or simply withdrawing to cocoon and return as a new me. In the moment, I saw it as a positive thing. Learning to be a better person than last year, I felt the need to set the past aside and avoid having to talk about memories that made me sad. Well, I am learning a lot with this therapist. I have had other therapists before but I don't think they ever got to the root in the same way. the essence of my attachment issues are basically I grew up with very unstable /unsafe parents who didn't acknowledge my needs and put conditions on affection. Reacting to their behavior would result in punishment of some sort. So for example if my mother did something cruel to me and I called her out, she'd either become very ill / on brink of death (my fault for arguing with her) or she'd give me the silent treatment or verbal abuse. My Father would just ignore me really and saw any emotion as totally disgusting. So I learned to stay away from people and give up on letting anyone know what I felt. Attachment for me means sacrifice, it means someone else's needs coming first, it means putting on a fake persona to be "perfect" enough to deserve love. I have real problems showing vulnerability or the real me or sharing any weakness with anyone...I was raised to think it was disgusting to do that and I have no recollection as a child of ever ONCE being comforted when I was afraid, or having a conflict resolved healthily or even just of someone saying "sorry" that they hurt me. So I just don't tell people when they hurt me. I am veyr much like you, and there's a tipping point where I feel like something has hurt me /happened and I can't tolerate it so I just drift off. I either hermit myself for weeks /months or a leave the country. I have now lived in 10 countries and if I hadn't become a mother I am sure it would be more like 20. I'm very closely attached to my friends and my child - but still have issues with parents and significant others. What I am going to work on with the therapist is the idea that I don't need to be perfect, that conflict can be resolved and that not EVERY person is going to abuse me or betray me if I show weakness. I think it's a long road... Giving you a hug ❤️ Every child deserves freedom from emotional manipulation. You deserve not having to do without love to achieve this. Showing vulnerability is hard when you come from a childhood world where vulnerability was not accepted. You deserve to be comforted, and to comfort yourself. |
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