Disassociation

yasmin, i'm glad your therapist is guiding you through this.
I didn't have years of the no or minimal contact you described.
However, i found out in my later life that i had lived many years in a dissociated state, which i was unable to recognize because i thought that the internal existence i had was normal. Of course it was to me, i didn't know otherwise.

Throughout my schooling, gradeschool to high school, at least once a year a kind and concerned teacher would have a private conference with me to express concern and support and encourage me. I found this frustrating and baffling because i had absolutely no idea why i was getting this kind of attention.

I grew up in a home with addiction, mental illness, and very harmful dynamics. I was the family scapegoat.
In my late teens through adult life - my life is a blur. I do have memories- it's not that i didn't function on a "functional" level, or that i was completely zombified.

But i was very shut down emotionally. I was offered counseling support in those years for legal crimes committed against me (victims advocates, etc...) but still i could not understand what they were saying about how affected i must be. I wanted it to just go away.

A perfect storm of intervention and i would say miracles and love from other humans changed my course eventually. I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD from childhood and Severe PTSD from adult trauma and went through a long and very beneficial healing process- over years.

You may be aware that dissociation is a common and serious (and for me, at one time very prominent) symptom of the different types of PTSD.

I now suffer no symptoms of PTSD whatsoever , the closest i would say is the sort of unplugging of my feelings and dissociation that happens in response to an intimacy trigger. But those are few and far between. This is the state that convinces me i have no need for intimate connection (in a romantic sense especially) and in fact at the moment, i feel nothing at all to the point that i question what has been real!

But, i am very very aware of that state and seek support if i happen to go there. Support in the form of intimate connection. I don't have to talk much about it, it helps me to just be around people i trust.

if i can i seek affection and assurance from my partner, or, engage quietly with my kids, - it's not good for me to be alone and feed the separation during those times. i have to actively go against an instinct there. It's something i learned over time.

As i gained access to myself and my feelings and my own heart i had to grieve all the time and experiences i lost, as well as the things i was unable to save myself from when i was surviving terrible things by being shut down. Just surviving them. I thought that was normal. It doesn't make one bit of sense to me now but that's the way it was and grieving that has been tremendously painful but also , supremely healing.

I'm sorry that you have had to dissociate to be ok.

yasmin juniper

Sending both of you a hug!

I´m not sure if this applies to me or not.

The period of neglect and abuse was before age 3 when my parents were married. After the divorce my mother was a normal parent.
I have few memories from my early years, but that applies to most people.

i will add that my grieving began with screams of righteous indignantion for that little girl so maybe we all start that process differently, i don't know.
But no child deserves less than safety and love, and the only reason our parents couldn't do it is because they didn't get it themselves.
that's how i see it.
making peace with that has been huge for me.

weirdly, well into adulthood, i described my childhood and my relationships with my parents as ideal and romanticized any good memories (few) and emphasized those while repressing and actually forgetting major trauma.

I too spent lots of time alone in my imagination, i lived in a fantasy world like you did. Also, i grew up in a rural area and spent most of my time outdoors with animals and nature where i felt happy. and reading for hours and hours day upon day.


That's still a huge enjoyment for me now, and i spend lots of time in the woods. almost every day. I connect to the happy part of my childhood this way, in solitude- often barefoot. nothing i love more than being alone in the woods.

Except being hugged, i like that just about as much haha! But i can count on the woods no matter what! That means a lot to me!

i am at a dr appt and i read about baby goldilocks.
i am feeling a lot too, it brought up a lot, the whole discussion. i read your story with a lump in my throat.


I hope it's healing for you, to share.
i will come back and comment
later this evening.
Hugs, baby goldilocks .

Nature is very healing, for everyone, and for some i think that's what kept us while others couldn't love us well. at least that's how i feel.

yep. good. i gotcha.