What Just Happened To Me. Though it's getting better

Very interesting and well-written report, thank you. Though of course I'm sorry you have suffered from the experience.

You know that you really knew all along but were hoping that your loyalty would be returned -- this is the common story of the hopeful young secure person involved with an avoidant. She was trained before you even met her to get along by pretending to play the part, and so it's hard to hold her responsible for the years that you have spent giving without much return. No one should put up with that. Minor consolation is that the same thing has happened to millions of smart people, because no one talks about how common avoidants are, or teaches you to wait until you are sure before committing -- almost everyone is blind before the first bad relationship.

As for details, I don't do Crossfit per se because I dislike group pressure, and I'm old enough to be more worried about getting injured. I do work out every day with a weight routine and some cardio after, but I like to let my mind wander. I do some of my best thinking while working out, and a class or group experience wouldn't work for that. For those who need peer pressure to motivate them, it can be excellent -- just not for me.

Another minor consolation -- at least there's no ambiguity; you know she would never be good for you, and you have to move on. I've seen cases where the injured partner keeps on hoping and trying to get the avoidant back. With what you know now, you can find a real partner without too much difficulty, though it may take a few years. And then you'll end up much better off than if she had kept you hanging.

I feel for you, and I'm sorry.

I've also been struggling with the recovery from a much shorter, less intense involvement with an avoidant. I think I'm relatively secure (I've been married for 23 years and my husband and I are good at discussing, compromising, and using the emotional bank account).

When you are a kind, helpful person, it's very easy to get dragged into the avoidant's distancing strategy of claiming that things are bad now, I'm too busy, I'm too stressed, etc. In every relationship people have tough times and in my experience the good thing to do is to be kind and helpful until the other person rebounds and is OK. My husband has PTSD from Vietnam and there have been tough times, but I never felt devalued and demeaned as we worked though his problems. Dealing with an avoidant for a very short time, I felt as though I was very devalued and that I was going insane.

Last January, I was referred to a dog breeder to help us work with our rescue dog who turned out to be a rare European guard dog. The breeder was helpful with our dog and it was fun to interact with him via calls and text messages. He appeared to have a delightful personality and he and I seemed to have lots in common. It was a pleasure to have a new, interesting friend. I felt very bonded and flattered. He kept telling me that he could talk with me forever. When my husband and I found out that my husband's former boss had moved to the same town where the breeder lives, the breeder said that he hoped that my husband could get a new job so that we could move and be his neighbors. Nothing sinister was going on - my husband and I both enjoyed the pictures of dogs that he was sending to us and we were even planning on visiting him to see his dogs.

The breeder has an extensive Web site and, to reciprocate his kindness in helping us with our dog, I wrote an article about training our dog that he said that he planned to publish on his site. The reality is that five months later, even though several times he asked me to make extensive changes to the article, the article has never been published on the breeder's Web site.

Right after I wrote the article, the breeder began the push / pull. Looking back, it was like the frog in the pan of cold water and the heat is turned on low. The little rejections began (no more calls, only text messages were allowed; increasing delays in responding to my text messages; gaslighting that I was no more significant to him than the supposed hoards of people who needed help with their badly behaved dogs; he was too stressed and busy with who knows what) and I kept accommodating what he asked because I'm a nice person and I kept believing that I was dealing with the wonderful person I had originally seen who was temporarily under stress. But, now I can see that his distancing behaviors made me feel subtly more and more demeaned.

After about two months of increasing worry, anxiety, and crying about a person whom I had never even met in person, I felt totally insane. I did some research and found Jeb's Web site and read about avoidant dismissive and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. I confronted the dog breeder and he quickly confirmed that he confuses many people because he is so pleasant and friendly but that he never lets anybody get close to him.

We had a final argument when I protested his absolutely dismissive behavior after I did more article rewrites and he called me mentally unstable. I even formally apologized to him and asked him if we could just work together to finish the article and get it published. He never even bothered to respond to my apology.

I was devastated when everything blew up. I read both of Jeb's books and many Web sites and thought so much about what had happened. I could not believe how I had gotten dragged into something so strange and how I had been so hooked. I had a very hard time even describing what had happened and kept thinking that eventually the wonderful person whom I had known originally would be back and the great friendship would resume.

I finally read some comments which were very helpful to me. A woman was sobbing as she finally realized that if the avoidant whom she loved had disappeared for over 30 days, he really didn't love her. A woman wrote back and talked about the honeymoon phase where the avoidant displays an absolutely enticing personality. Then she talked about how it's really only possible to have a relationship with an avoidant if they want to compromise (probably unlikely) and they have the relationship skills to work as a partnership.

That response brought me lots of clarity. I realized that I had gotten hooked on the breeder's honeymoon phase, which can never really come back because, even if he showed up again, I'm much more educated and won't buy into the same patter. At this point, I've seen the other side of his personality and know that the charm is only temporary and that he also has a very nasty streak. I have a history of being able to compromise and work things out with my husband. I suddenly saw that the breeder probably has no wish to compromise and definitely doesn't have the relationship skills to work out issues. Anybody who would blow off a sincere apology and a request to work things out, will not or cannot compromise.

I still really don't understand how avoidants think or act. I also don't have an easy time just dumping people. My husband figured out several months ago that the breeder is a "nut job" who probably was only trying to sell me a dog or get a free article from me. I always give people lots of chances, so it was much harder for me to see that. But, thanks to Jeb's books and his Web site, I'm going to be looking for red flags along the way so that hopefully I won't get sucked in to a similar situation ever again.

Best of luck to you.

So sorry for what you experienced, but it sounds like you put in the effort to get things figured out.

The honeymoon phase in my case was truly off the charts, but as I mentioned, it seemed surreal to me and not legitimate.

I wish you all the best as well, we''ll all have to keep our eyes open.

I read that 1 in 4 of these people will actually change - they'll be unaware of the change, but if they are in the right relationship they can adapt.

Pretty crazy.

Take care!