Caring avoidant?

Hi, She sounds like a mix, but I'd defer to the experts.  It's all avoidant and depending on the triggers it can be fear-based or some other mix of dysfunctiona processing. I was with someone similar, but the empathy was a struggle for him and when he did flee, the empathy was nowhere to be found in terms of how all of it impacted me.   I worry that these people know exactly what they are all about, actually talk about it with their significant other as a foreshadowing or warning to you that you will be no different than the rest and how it ends.    I think that at the end of the day they make a choice not to work on their stuff and somehow find solace in the fact that they can name it even if they don't want to work on improving it  at least so they don't sabotage their own lives and hurt people they love.   


An exercise I did intellectually after I came out of the shock was to go back to every conversation, every text, etc. and look for evidence of the warnings and foreshadowing. I had to be honest with myself about what "red lights" I ran while caught up in the good parts.   It sucks, but as you can see from this awesome resource of a site, you are not at all alone.    

Wishing you peace and always wishing people will re-evaluate how they handle things and want to be better humans.   Take care. 







Hi,

I'm pretty confused about the attachment style of my - let's say friend, for reasons that might become clear.

She has never had a long-term relationship.
She doesn't believe love exists.
We had an affair, very passionate long distance affair with intermittent visits to each others cities.
As soon as I became more available (moved to her city), she ended the affair.
She believes life is pain and happy people are delusional.
Our affair has always had to be hidden from everybody, even though we are both single.
She says she doesn't want a relationship, or to be the focus of anyone's life.
She says she hates herself all the time.
She doesn't trust emotion.

OK, so far, so dismissive.

On the other hand:
She is a sensitive and deeply caring friend.
She is present, connected, and passionate when making love.
She is very insightful and empathic.  I swear I can hide absolutely nothing from her, she knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.
Although she is generally not emotionally expressive, she was in tears at the thought that she might lose me as a friend when she ended the affair.  This is someone who doesn't cry ever, so this was a signal of deepest distress.
She says she has lost people this way before and the pain is unbearable.
She becomes dejected when people are unkind or judgemental.
She is instinctively warm and nurturing towards people in distress or in need.
Her main reason for ending the affair was that she was aware of her cycles of distancing, and couldn't bear the pain that they caused her partners.

This is not, in my understanding, the typical dismissive with limited empathy or understanding of emotion.  There is no phantom ex, there is no idealization, there is no high self esteem, she knows she needs and highly values close friendships, there is empathy and emotional intelligence to an almost scary degree.  On the other hand, there is total distrust of intimacy and dependence.

Is this avoidant at all?  Or is this really someone badly damaged to the point of rejecting intimacy, but otherwise fully emotionally functioning?  And therefore, it seems, in constant pain?  Whenever I read about the fearful avoidant craving intimacy, or the dismissive avoidant being emotionally cold - neither are the remotest bit like her.