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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 10:34:00 GMT
I do not know your story, or the attachment pain (the wounds) from your past...I do however want to invite you to see yourself with compassion, to embrace all aspects of yourself, no matter how challenging, no matter how child like, no matter how misunderstood those parts are by others. You are not broken, far from that....you are beautiful/handsome, you are infinitely more than your attachment pain and no matter what situation it is that brought you here to these forums...know that you are NOT alone. I want to extend to you a hug of acceptance, of belonging, of community. ❤️❤️❤️
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 11:23:22 GMT
I think one of the most beautiful parts of being more on the AP end of the spectrum is the willingness to express the love that we wish we haď known. I know that people on the avoidant end the attachment spectrum veiw it as a weakness, I still feel it as one of greatest strengths, just as long as we remember to dish some of that out for ourselves, because like everybody, we are so worthy of that. I don't think that people with DA attachment styles view our ability to love as a weakness....I think (and I am not DA so only speaking from my own point of view here) it is all the embedded "expectations" that are attached with that love that comes across as "smothering". Case in point, a friend of mine had a very strict father who "expected" his son to behave a certain way....that felt to my friend as "intrusive" and "overbearing" (translation, he never felt seen, heard or loved for who he is)...he never got to "define for himself" what was and was not ok....so he has loads of boundaries and a spidey sense when someone doesn't see him for who he is but rather, who they "want" him to be. I think oftentimes in my past I went into a relationship "hoping" that the guy would be "the answer". I saw so much "potential" in him that I was blinded to who he really was..and the fact that another person cannot fix/address my childhood wounds. That meant that my love came with extra baggage as it were. Even if not stated, those men FELT it and it came across as smothering/pressure and they would react by distancing. Unfortunately, my attachment pain interpreted their distancing maneuvers as rejection/abandonment of me versus distancing from the expectations they felt that triggered them. That is why the dance of DA/AP is so dysfunctional....because we keep triggering each other unintentionally by our protective measures. It takes a lot of self awareness to spot the unstated expectations that come with love (on both sides). |
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 14:17:37 GMT
It took until recently to realize that my ex thought I was trying to control her. So this resulted in her avoidant behaviors, which would in turn result in me experiencing/reacting in anxiety and anger, which in turn ended with me being dumped a lot of the time. Upon further discussion, her interpretation of my actions being controlling were simply not true. She was/is actually the one with the control issues. For so long, I took the blame and contorted myself but it never really got me any closer to her emotionally.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 14:36:59 GMT
How do you guys deal with your anger? I thought I was over this stage, but now I’m thinking it’s just the beginning. Hey Amblin....whenever I find myself back in anger I try to determine what that anger is telling me...where did I let someone cross my boundaries, or treat me disrespectfully or where did I practice self abandonment by not speaking to my needs or over catering to someone else's. The hard thing is I want to make it about the other person...but I don't heal when I get angry at them and stay focused on the other person. Journalling has been incredibly important at those times. I hope that helps.❤️ |
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