em
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Post by em on Apr 2, 2018 18:46:21 GMT
Can you guys please explain this to me? It defies logic... in my mind.
We have not spoken for a year because he moved back to the coast for a new job. We were friends for about two years, then dated for a year, and then became friends again for a year. Now it has been a year of no contact.
After we broke up, he said he always to remain friends. After we broke up, he still took me out to eat and paid for my dinner on my birthday, texted me, called me just to talk a few times, went apple picking with me, etc. We did these things as friends, but our mutual friends always thought he still had feelings for me.
Just before he left to move to the coast, I asked him if he wanted to try a relationship again. He said he had already let me go. I am still confused by this. How had he let me go if he spent all of his free time with me over that last year?
I remember about a month passed at one point where we had not spoken because we were both very busy with our work schedules. I texted him to let him know that I wish we had talked more during that month. He said he felt the same way and that I was the only person in his life outside of his family that he talks to. He was becoming more and more hermit like though.
Anyway, how was he letting me go if he was still spending time with me and obviously still had some feelings left? He even admitted during our last conversation that he knew I still had feelings for him.
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Post by yasmin on Apr 2, 2018 21:15:57 GMT
Maybe he meant he let go of the idea that he saw a long term future.
I've let go of relationships but remained friends many times before. It doesn't mean you hate the person or never want to see them again. It just means you've decided you don't want to be with them romantically.
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em
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Post by em on Apr 2, 2018 21:44:06 GMT
That makes sense, but I guess it's hard for me to imagine what it's like to be okay with just staying friends with somebody I was romantically involved with recently. Usually it takes me a couple of years to be okay with being friends with a former boyfriend.
He mentioned that I would never understand if he needed to go a week or two without talking like it was something fundamentally wrong with me. I think he lost romantic feelings because I had expectations for more communication that he just couldn't muster up. He seems to prefer calm and stillness over anything else. I guess it's safe to say that if you disrupt his inner calm he backs off. But I have spent a lot of this time thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me. But then I remember he told me once that he is not good with girls and that he has a lot of problems to fix, but I still feel like he blames me for all of this.
What I hate most is knowing that I sit here, a year later, and still miss him... all the while he has probably completely forgotten about me. We were so close for so long. And we went through a lot and supported each other so much while working together before he moved. If he does think about me, I worry it's nothing positive. I felt like we made such a good team and had such a strong bond. It feels tragic to lose something that special. I've never had a bond like that before.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 2, 2018 22:01:14 GMT
That makes sense, but I guess it's hard for me to imagine what it's like to be okay with just staying friends with somebody I was romantically involved with recently. Usually it takes me a couple of years to be okay with being friends with a former boyfriend. He mentioned that I would never understand if he needed to go a week or two without talking like it was something fundamentally wrong with me. I think he lost romantic feelings because I had expectations for more communication that he just couldn't muster up. He seems to prefer calm and stillness over anything else. I guess it's safe to say that if you disrupt his inner calm he backs off. But I have spent a lot of this time thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me. But then I remember he told me once that he is not good with girls and that he has a lot of problems to fix, but I still feel like he blames me for all of this. What I hate most is knowing that I sit here, a year later, and still miss him... all the while he has probably completely forgotten about me. We were so close for so long. And we went through a lot and supported each other so much while working together before he moved. If he does think about me, I worry it's nothing positive. I felt like we made such a good team and had such a strong bond. It feels tragic to lose something that special. I've never had a bond like that before. Em....I am so sorry you are going through this....I still miss B and I get to see him once a week at our church group. It has almost been a year for me as well. Yesterday was hard because I spent last Easter with his family. Because I still have such strong feelings for him...I limit contact....because interacting with him now feels so impersonal. I don't know what the answer is to be honest. I think moving on is something that happens at your own pace. Hugs. |
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em
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Post by em on Apr 3, 2018 21:47:41 GMT
Thank you tnr9. I thought I would be over it by now. I was going to contact him, but decided not to. It's so hard to comprehend the fact that we may never speak again.
The whole thing was confusing because I had a strong intuitive feeling that he still loved me, but apparently not. Or maybe he still loved me, but didn't want the stress of a relationship. Who knows.
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em
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Post by em on Apr 4, 2018 0:35:21 GMT
Hi em , It sounds like he means he let go of the idea of a romantic relationship. You said you were close friends for a year before no contact. Maybe that is all he can handle, a close friendship. Unfortunately, you want more and your friends have encouraged you. But, you're trying to get in his head and find hope when he's already told you how he feels. Sometimes, it's not about attachment issues, it's just not meant to be. That seems to be the general consensus here. I guess when somebody tells me that they have "let me go"... to me... it means they let the entirety of me go. Not just a romantic relationship. We had a romantic relationship and then stayed friends afterwards. I would say his attachment issues got in the way of us having a healthy relationship. I'm not trying to get into his head. I am actually confused by him, so that's why I posted. If trying to understand somebody is also the same as getting into their head, then okay I guess. And his reasoning for why things wouldn't work out was because he said I would not understand if he needed to go a week or two without talking. And then he decided to let me know that he actually never even plans to get married, which he never told me before. So it was a very confusing situation that I am still trying to make sense of. |
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em
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Posts: 39
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Post by em on Apr 4, 2018 19:23:01 GMT
He does need a lot of space, but he wasn't like that at the beginning. I feel like he hid that part of himself at first. I would have a very hard time giving him all of the space he needs unfortunately. When he told me that I wouldn't understand if he needed a week or two not to talk, he made it sound like it was all my fault, which I know it's not either of our faults. The whole thing is upsetting to me still.
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Post by mrob on Apr 4, 2018 23:11:37 GMT
It’s not a matter of hiding it. While it isn’t activated, I act just like a normal, secure person. I want the contact. Then what seems to happen is that the other party wants more and I feel engulfed. Like I have no control over my life. It can be triggered by something small. Then a push/pull situation is set up as I back off and she chases me, then she’ll back off and I’ll chase her. None of it is healthy. My actions moved a reasonably secure person into the AP space.
I suggest you read Jeb’s book. It’ll give you a good idea of what’s going on, and at the very least, enable you to move on.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2018 23:19:47 GMT
It’s not a matter of hiding it. While it isn’t activated, I act just like a normal, secure person. I want the contact. Then what seems to happen is that the other party wants more and I feel engulfed. Like I have no control over my life. It can be triggered by something small. Then a push/pull situation is set up as I back off and she chases me, then she’ll back off and I’ll chase her. None of it is healthy. My actions moved a reasonably secure person into the AP space. I suggest you read Jeb’s book. It’ll give you a good idea of what’s going on, and at the very least, enable you to move on. Although I completely understand this dynamic....I have a really hard time understanding why nothing is said to the partner. It is just a "shift" that we are supposed to correctly interpret as a feeling by the other person of being "smothered". It is like tripping over an invisible wire and setting off alarm bells....if we aren't told about the wire, how are we supposed to avoid tripping it? I used to say to friends that I wished that B came with a manual so that I could know what to do and what not to do in order to keep his alarm bells from going off. It was exhausting at times. |
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