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Post by Andrea on Oct 10, 2016 4:04:36 GMT
Today, I turned 70. I am 15 years older than my ex. We had been together 22 years. Had 2 arguments. We were both professional medical people. We had the 2 nd on 12 August. 2016. Told me she was stressed when I asked why she didn't spend time with me instead of working 7 days a week etc. she left the room saying she couldn't discuss the relationship because she was so stressed. We slept in separate rooms, sex was a distant memory. When I got up in the morning, her things were gone, no note,letter, call email, nothing. She was just gone. 9 weeks later, still no reason as to why she left. As far as I know she's dead. Has not contacted me in any way. No phone number, no address , no email, absolutely nothing. 22 years did deserve some sort of reason for her departure. I had always joked about her not leaving me at 70 and only on SS. Well, she left 2 months prior! She left our home, animals, moved to a different state, rented a condo, new furniture, etc. she also left any items I purchased for her. Communication has been thru a mutal friend. She calls him on her new phone to ask me to send some she did leave for her job,etc. I have been tempted to destroy all items she requested, but, that is not who I am. I have a heart condition, 6 stents, high bloodpressure all of which could have triggered a cardiac event. I exit my bedroom, she's gone, her closet empty, bureau empty, all personal items gone, and I still don't know why. The painful thing is that I could have had a heart attack because of how she left. She never inquired . I will recover because I have to. I was robbed of a past, a future, and realized I lived with a hologram. There but not. Always the mask . Sad.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on Apr 25, 2017 3:26:10 GMT
Katy, Thanks so much for your response. You're definitely right about him "making up his mind" to walk away... When he was breaking up with me, he seemed almost emotionless, like a switch went off. I couldn't believe he was just walking away, without communicating anything. A few things that might explain (not defend) this behavior, based on my experience during the relationship I had with what I believe is a DA boyfriend, and based on a post-breakup discussion I had with him.
First, during a few sessions when we attended counselling together (before I suspected he was DA), he agreed with the counsellor that he got emotionally "flooded" after any sort of conflict, to the point where he could not function for a day or so. He indicated that he could not process his feelings he was having. This was a big revelation to me, and it helped a little with future discussions we had.
Secondly, I know from our discussions while dating that he vigorously avoids conflict -- with anybody. He just shuts down, avoids, withdraws. This was certainly true with me -- and I would add that any time we had even a civilized, calm discussion or difference of opinion, he felt that I was "attacking" him.
During our breakup conversation I noticed he was sort of smiling, which seemed inappropriate given the context. He said that when he feels nervous and overwhelmed with feelings he probably has an awkward smile on his face. He said it was involuntary. I now think it was more like a feeling of fear in the face of what he perceived was emotional danger due to the confrontation. So Trixie if your partner was cold and distant during the breakup, it could be that he was overwhelmed with feelings that he couldn't identify, or else had shut down whatever uncomfortable feelings he was experiencing. Or maybe he was reacting to the potential for conflict, which DA people hate and strenuously avoid.
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Post by trixie5179 on Apr 25, 2017 17:14:03 GMT
Katy, Thanks so much for your response. You're definitely right about him "making up his mind" to walk away... When he was breaking up with me, he seemed almost emotionless, like a switch went off. I couldn't believe he was just walking away, without communicating anything. A few things that might explain (not defend) this behavior, based on my experience during the relationship I had with what I believe is a DA boyfriend, and based on a post-breakup discussion I had with him.
First, during a few sessions when we attended counselling together (before I suspected he was DA), he agreed with the counsellor that he got emotionally "flooded" after any sort of conflict, to the point where he could not function for a day or so. He indicated that he could not process his feelings he was having. This was a big revelation to me, and it helped a little with future discussions we had.
Secondly, I know from our discussions while dating that he vigorously avoids conflict -- with anybody. He just shuts down, avoids, withdraws. This was certainly true with me -- and I would add that any time we had even a civilized, calm discussion or difference of opinion, he felt that I was "attacking" him.
During our breakup conversation I noticed he was sort of smiling, which seemed inappropriate given the context. He said that when he feels nervous and overwhelmed with feelings he probably has an awkward smile on his face. He said it was involuntary. I now think it was more like a feeling of fear in the face of what he perceived was emotional danger due to the confrontation. So Trixie if your partner was cold and distant during the breakup, it could be that he was overwhelmed with feelings that he couldn't identify, or else had shut down whatever uncomfortable feelings he was experiencing. Or maybe he was reacting to the potential for conflict, which DA people hate and strenuously avoid.
I can see how this could very well have been the case for him. I do know that he avoids conflict, too, and would withdraw within himself and get extra quiet... During the breakup it was extra hurtful to see him be so cold, but I think what you're saying is pretty likely. |
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Post by dismissed on May 1, 2017 10:21:12 GMT
Wow Trixie....your situation sounds way too similar to mine. My ex and I dated for a little over a month. She had been single for 4 years and her last relationship before me had been with a guy in the military who was always on deployment so it was essentially long term. He eventually broke up with her. She was a natural introvert as well.
It sucks, and I agree with you. You're just left there wondering....why? The things that matter in a relationship are all there (personalities, interests, etc.) but something that is easily changed is causing them turmoil and instead of just communicating it they dip out.
I'm a bit dismissive myself, but I do a good job (I think) of communicating that and at least attempting to resolve issues that can be resolved. But in her case, she was just done for really no reason. I posted my experience under the title "would like female dismissive-avoidant's thoughts." It's like 3 posts under this one.
I'm sorry you had to go through this....it really sucks, especially when you figure it out and are just left with thoughts of...."wtf, there really wasn't anything wrong."
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Post by trixie5179 on May 1, 2017 13:29:39 GMT
Wow Trixie....your situation sounds way too similar to mine. My ex and I dated for a little over a month. She had been single for 4 years and her last relationship before me had been with a guy in the military who was always on deployment so it was essentially long term. He eventually broke up with her. She was a natural introvert as well. It sucks, and I agree with you. You're just left there wondering....why? The things that matter in a relationship are all there (personalities, interests, etc.) but something that is easily changed is causing them turmoil and instead of just communicating it they dip out. I'm a bit dismissive myself, but I do a good job (I think) of communicating that and at least attempting to resolve issues that can be resolved. But in her case, she was just done for really no reason. I posted my experience under the title "would like female dismissive-avoidant's thoughts." It's like 3 posts under this one. I'm sorry you had to go through this....it really sucks, especially when you figure it out and are just left with thoughts of...."wtf, there really wasn't anything wrong." Hi Dismissed- I read your initial thread and some of your ex's characteristics and some things she said sound just like my ex. When we were together, I noticed these things and they confused me at first, and at times I took them personally. But after some time, I accepted that it was just the way he was and I was ok with it. There were alot of red flags along the way, now that I can look back, pointing to him being emotionally unavailable. At the time of course, I thought he would talk to me if he ever had an issue, and he told me he would do so. So yeah, when that didn't happen and he just dropped me, it was especially hurtful- it definitely sucks. It's been 8 months since we broke up, and we've been no contact the whole time. Sometimes I am still tempted to contact him, but I don't, because I think that deep down it would be with a hidden agenda of trying to get him back. Sigh. All I can say is it does get better with time, though. |
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Post by trixie5179 on May 4, 2017 16:22:27 GMT
Katy, Thanks so much for your response. You're definitely right about him "making up his mind" to walk away... When he was breaking up with me, he seemed almost emotionless, like a switch went off. I couldn't believe he was just walking away, without communicating anything. A few things that might explain (not defend) this behavior, based on my experience during the relationship I had with what I believe is a DA boyfriend, and based on a post-breakup discussion I had with him.
First, during a few sessions when we attended counselling together (before I suspected he was DA), he agreed with the counsellor that he got emotionally "flooded" after any sort of conflict, to the point where he could not function for a day or so. He indicated that he could not process his feelings he was having. This was a big revelation to me, and it helped a little with future discussions we had.
Secondly, I know from our discussions while dating that he vigorously avoids conflict -- with anybody. He just shuts down, avoids, withdraws. This was certainly true with me -- and I would add that any time we had even a civilized, calm discussion or difference of opinion, he felt that I was "attacking" him.
During our breakup conversation I noticed he was sort of smiling, which seemed inappropriate given the context. He said that when he feels nervous and overwhelmed with feelings he probably has an awkward smile on his face. He said it was involuntary. I now think it was more like a feeling of fear in the face of what he perceived was emotional danger due to the confrontation. So Trixie if your partner was cold and distant during the breakup, it could be that he was overwhelmed with feelings that he couldn't identify, or else had shut down whatever uncomfortable feelings he was experiencing. Or maybe he was reacting to the potential for conflict, which DA people hate and strenuously avoid.
How Predictable, I've been no contact with my ex avoidant bf for almost 8 months now. It's been tough, but I do still miss him and our friendship. When he broke up with me because he'd hit his 'relationship wall' and probably felt smothered by me, because we saw each other 3 days a week, which was ok with him for a while apparently..and then not. We'd seen each other 3 days in a row, and he said he just couldn't do it anymore, even if we began seeing each other less...he said "we would still end up at the place where you'd want to start seeing me more.." He said "If I could change, you would be The One." Hearing this was so hard, and months later, I'm still not over it. : / Do you think I should just remain no contact and forget about him? It's apparent he doesn't see how/want to/think he can change. And in that case, I know a relationship would not work. I do agree with you that he is *mostly happy alone, because he is more comfortable that way. But it's coming from a place of hurt and anger, not content, which is what makes me feel for his situation. I loved him, which makes this even more difficult. |
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 4, 2017 19:28:21 GMT
Hi Trixie. I'm glad you wrote because I was thinking about you and some of your notes on this Forum.
You said your Ex's solitude is "coming from a place of hurt and anger, not content, which is what makes me feel for his situation." With due respect, you are still making presumptions about why he withdrew, and I don't think you are qualified to do that.
In fact, his being alone is about what makes him *comfortable*. It's his default comfort zone. Being in an intimate relationship is deeply scary, painful, confusing and downright terrifying, due to fears of abandonment, engulfment, etc.
He may not be NC for all this time because he's angry with you. (Even if your last interaction was filled with acrimony). It may be simply because he's just given up on trying to have a relationship. Maybe he's given up on one with you only.... maybe he's given up on having one with anybody. He's hit a wall, and knows he cannot do it. He said as much.
I applaud your ability to stay NC all this time. But yes, I do think you should remain NC forever and forget about him. After 8 months, it's clear that he has moved on, whether to try with someone new or to resign himself to the peaceful place of solitude. I don't think that trying to reach out to him will be met with success for you, or that you will be rewarded with the relationship or friendship you want. He's incapable. He knows it, and you know it. I am sorry. I know you love him, but you need to let it go and find someone who can satisfy your very legitimate needs.
Incidentally, my Ex virtually prided himself on how quickly he moved on from relationships, how he didn't actually remember some of the women he had (briefly) dated, and how he didn't even remember any details about his decades-long marriage. They actively block out painful memories (or all memories) because this is what works for them. So as much as it's difficult for you, rest assured he is probably having an easier time of it.
I'm not sure whether that makes it better for you, or worse.
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Post by trixie5179 on May 4, 2017 19:46:44 GMT
Thank you for the response. You're right that he is comfortable, and he knows his limitations. I think in a way, that is a blessing for me because it ended sooner rather than later.
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Post by GladIt'sOver on May 10, 2017 5:36:08 GMT
This entire conversation is both making me sick and helping me move alone. I dated a woman for the better part of (6) years. The relationship was characterized by her leaving me, coming up with something wrong about me, and me going endlessly chasing after her. This dynamic started very early on in the relationship. Our first date was wonderful, sincere, and soulful. Our second date, to happen a week later, was cancelled by her in the morning as "she was not feeling it" and needed to hermit. I kindly accepted this response, and suggested that if she ever felt differently or better, I would still welcome the opportunity. Needless to say, the next day she "friended" me on FB and two days thereafter, I received an email asking me to a show.
This dynamic progressed for nearly 5 years. Several times she would have to withdraw and go dark on me for a week or two at a time. No contact, and if I tried to contact her to see what was going on I was told that I did not respect boundaries, etc. And I struggled with this, as I always believe that things can be discussed and resolved. Yes, I am and can be anxious at times.
I am telling only of the bad. We also shared much good - understood each other philosophically or politically, admired one another's intellect, and had a very healthy sexual desire for the entire run. But the constant distancing was too much, and I felt that my role as her "partner" was to absorb this as she worked through her stuff. Listening to her tell me one time that she missed her ex-husband (I knew this was nonsense as they did not have any relationship anyways). Having her tell me that she was ambivalent about our relationship and could "take it or leave it" - this was all very painful stuff and I so wanted to believe. She ultimately wanted me to ask her to marry her, which I did, and no sooner did we make this known to her family and mine that she immediately started with withdrawal. Being told that she always feels enervated after being around me.
How much evidence did I need to realize that she was simply incapable??? I guess more than 5 years worth of evidence -I am either stubborn, hard-headed or was deeply committed to seeing it work. Last christmas, we spent a few weeks together and our relationship was all that I could have ever wished for. Until she got sick one day, got deeply depressed, and immediately withdrew again and was extremely cold about it, telling me via text that "there is nothing here for you." Again, the implication being that there is something wrong with me. Curiously, it was me who was the only one ever going to therapy, it was her son and daughter that were both going to therapy, and it was she that resisted going as didn't feel like the time or money.
Thank goodness for forums like this, thank goodness for those of you who have shared your stories, and thank goodness, this rollercoaster existence is over, although I cannot deny that I wish it could have been resolved differently.
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Post by littleh on May 12, 2017 17:48:50 GMT
Hi,
Not sure if this has already been mentioned but was dating a guy I met on the internet about 3 years ago and some of the characteristics described here resonate with how he behaved and the way he conducted himself when we broke up (it was only about 3 months we dated). We're actually now friends but don't see each other too often.
Anyway I'm now fairly convinced he's on the spectrum and on researching Aspergers a lot of his behaviour seemed to then make sense. To this day I have still never had the courage to ask him. It is a spectrum so people can be anywhere on that spectrum and traits can differ from person to person but it certainly explained a lot in our case. Now we are friends I can still see the traits which make me think he could be undiagnosed Aspergers. Some descriptions of Dismissive Avoidants also resonate with Asperger traits, might be worth considering/researching
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Post by trixie5179 on May 12, 2017 18:55:49 GMT
Littleh-
Yes, I also thought my ex was maybe on the spectrum while we were dating. He also could maybe have avoidant personality disorder, based on what I know about him, how he views himself and others, as well as relationships, etc. This is just speculation though, and I'm not a doctor and of course don't know him like he does. He did confide in me that he knows "something is wrong" with him, but doesn't know what. I do wish him the best, and having space and time since the breakup has helped me a lot.
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