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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 1, 2016 19:56:51 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'm hoping to get some advice/insight about how my relationship with my ex ended, and what I should do. My ex (33) is very avoidant, a natural introvert, and had been single for 8 years until he met me. His previous (and only) relationship 8 years ago was long distance and he ended up getting dumped. We dated for about 5 months, and during that time, he would still reference being rejected 8 years ago by his ex because he wasn't "a perfect person." He was badly bullied his whole childhood/adolescence, and he has a lot of internal anger and hurt from those days. He would very often bring up those memories and the hurt, and I would be as supportive as possible, but it was clear he shoulders a lot of pain and resentment daily.
When we first started dating I could see that he was socially awkward, and had some trust issues. I gave him space, got close, and things were going very well. About two months into our relationship, he told me he had a bit of "fear of relationships" because they "emotionally exhaust" him. He also brought up his passion/hobby, and told me that a few years back, he'd go weeks on end working on his hobby, not really eating or sleeping or talking to anyone for 3 weeks. He told me he was happy doing that, and that in a relationship, he feared "losing that person." At the time, I didn't know how to take that. It scared me a little... But I knew we were starting to fall for each other, so I had hope. I asked him to please communicate with me if our relationship ever got to be too much and he needed more time to himself , and he said he would. I was a little worried, but as our relationship deepened, I trusted that he would communicate with me if he was distressed.
3 months later, we began spending a lot of time together, sometimes every other day and some weekends. I thought we were having a good time because he never said anything otherwise. I'm also an introvert and need time to myself, but I guess I just got caught up in being with him. I would ask him if he wanted to spend time together, and I have a feeling he would see me at times so I wouldn't feel bad (or, he wanted to see me, but wound up forcing all his energy to do it).
The last two weeks we were together, he was very stressed about work, and he looked totally exhausted, and was irritable, and seemed depressed. I'd ask what was wrong, and if he'd want to cancel plans and just be alone. He said 'no,' and would just say he was tired.
At the end, we saw each other 3 days in a row (but not overnight), one of those days a big social event where he was surrounded by people he was meeting for the first time. After that, we didn't communicate much for two days. On the third day, he broke up with me saying spending those days in a row together totally "exhausted" him and that he "can't be around people that often." He then said "there's something wrong with me" and that he just wants to go back to being alone, dedicating all his time to his hobby. I was very upset and hurt, but not that I'm reading about avoidance, the more it makes some sense. At the end of our breakup I asked "So, you just want to be single forever?" And he responded: "If I could change, you would be The One."
There's been no communication since that, two months ago. During our breakup I was so shocked that I barely said anything, I just kept trying to say that it was ok-we could see each other less and I could give us more time to ourselves. I am conflicted about whether or not I should reach out to him at some point, in friendship. Part of me wants to, while the other part is afraid of what he might say (or of him ignoring me). It's so hard to let go, especially so suddenly, to someone you were so close to.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Oct 1, 2016 20:22:08 GMT
I'm sorry that you had to go through the whole avoidant nightmare like so many other people on this forum have experienced. So many parts of your story sound absolutely text book: busy with work, people exhaust me, I prefer my own hobbies to you, instead of negotiating a better way to do things, I'll just walk away. Also, six months seems to be the magic time - and it sounds as though your relationship ended at about six months.
I think lots of people have tried to open up communications with rejecting avoidants, but I don't think it ever works well. It seems that once the avoidants decide that they are walking away, many of them also decide that everything was all your fault. Plus, you also dealing with a person who has poor communication/negotiating skills, so, if things did work out temporarily, there will probably just be more problems in the future.
One thing to be aware of is, as absolutely heart-breaking it is to find out the way you did, it's really better to end it sooner than later. The people who actually end up being married to avoidants have a horrible time that goes on for many miserable years.
Best wishes to you. I know all of this is very difficult.
Katy |
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 1, 2016 20:46:22 GMT
Katy,
Thanks so much for your response. You're definitely right about him "making up his mind" to walk away... When he was breaking up with me, he seemed almost emotionless, like a switch went off. I couldn't believe he was just walking away, without communicating anything. You are also right that it's better it ended now than later. If he cannot handle telling me that he needs more alone time/doesn't feel like doing an activity, then how would he handle even bigger issues? Not well, that's for sure.
It bothers me that he just wasn't able to try to work this out, because in my mind, seeing each other 'too much' is something that can be discussed and changed. It's not a big deal. In no way was I demanding or pressuring him, and now he's just gone back to his hiding place.
Thanks again for the advice-
K.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Oct 1, 2016 21:47:06 GMT
I had the same thought about why can't this whole thing just be worked out? To a person who is used to negotiating solutions, none of it is that difficult. I've been married for over 20 years and my husband and I are always discussing how to resolve issues so that we're both OK - he often calls me the queen of compromise.
The avoidant I knew was (I thought) a friend and we were also working on a writing project together. Again, at about six months, the switch flipped and he totally changed. It would have been so simple, with another person, to figure out how to get the writing project completed. I never did manage to work it out with him.
It's really difficult to understand, but avoidants seem to have a very different coping pattern where other people ultimately appear to be a difficulty in their lives instead of a pleasure. As we've all experienced, in the early stages of relationships, avoidants seem to try very hard to change their inner reactions, but it really does seem as though they cannot sustain the change and always revert back to their solitary inner peace.
Good luck with recovering from what you've gone through.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by Mary on Oct 2, 2016 3:06:09 GMT
"It bothers me that he just wasn't able to try to work this out, because in my mind, seeing each other 'too much' is something that can be discussed and changed."
Speaking as an avoidant, I never knew how to "negotiate" in relationships. Having a narcissistic mother, I learned that there was no such thing as negotiation and talking about it never resolved or changed anything. From a very young age, the only way to cope was to shut up, shut people out and walk away. After many, many years, I finally found someone patient enough to teach me how to resolve issues. I still make a lot of mistakes and fall back on old habits, but slowliy I'm learning that there is another way. It's not easy.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 2, 2016 14:16:16 GMT
Thanks, Mary. I'd never really considered that he's been this way since he was young, that it's 'hard-wired' so to speak. I would have loved to have been with him/been there to help teach him how to resolve issues. I think as it is now, he doesn't see how he can still have his passion/hobby and also a relationship. It's like all or nothing, in his mind. Part of me even feels bad that he felt that way while we were together... Like he had to sacrifice part of himself in order to have a relationship. I know that isn't my fault, but it still kinda makes me sad. I hope someday he is able to have love and a relationship.
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Post by Mary on Oct 2, 2016 16:17:54 GMT
It probably is all or nothing in his mind. It's very hard to have a relationship with an avoidant, because they won't let you. I think it will have to be the "perfect storm" for an avoidant to find love or for them to become aware of the issue and communicate it early in the relationship. Trixie, I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for.
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Post by MKO on Oct 2, 2016 18:42:15 GMT
I posted this elsewhere but didn't get an answer yet, so I'm posting here also...thanks!
Quick Question.......this may be outside the expertise on this board, but anyone know if any particular mental health diagnosis seems to exist co-morbidly, more often, with avoidant attachment? Particularly, bipolar? Thanks!
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Post by the loneliness on Oct 3, 2016 2:50:39 GMT
I've read on a Wikipedia that OCD and anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder can co-exist with an avoidant attachment disorder. My DA husband actually suffers from OCD and generalized anxiety disorder.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 3, 2016 15:57:12 GMT
Do people with an avoidant attachment ever want help from others, or does it all depend on their own internal realization?
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Post by the loneliness on Oct 3, 2016 17:35:58 GMT
With my H, he tends to be very independent and not privateer to actively seek help from others. It would take a full blown panic attack or something extremely traumatic for him to ask for help from others or find a therapist.
He doesn't like to be vulnerable and tends to retreat into his own world and wish to live his life only on his own terms. He doesn't like to be told what to do by anybody.
The internal realization happens very very slowly as he is mainly focused on himself and doesn't get the benefit of a lot of different viewpoints. And when he does have an aha moment it tends to be just that. In other words, he doesn't "run with it" and gather more and more information and try to grow and heal from it.
He did try emdr and that was very helpful. I had encouraged him to try it for years and it was out of his comfort zone but he'd found a therapist he was comfortable with. It helped him with some childhood trauma but again it was only a couple of emdr sessions and while they helped, it wasn't enough to alter the avoidance attachment.
This is rambling--hope it helps a little.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 3, 2016 18:27:32 GMT
"With my H, he tends to be very independent and not privateer to actively seek help from others. It would take a full blown panic attack or something extremely traumatic for him to ask for help from others or find a therapist. He doesn't like to be vulnerable and tends to retreat into his own world and wish to live his life only on his own terms. He doesn't like to be told what to do by anybody. The internal realization happens very very slowly as he is mainly focused on himself and doesn't get the benefit of a lot of different viewpoints. And when he does have an aha moment it tends to be just that. In other words, he doesn't "run with it" and gather more and more information and try to grow and heal from it. He did try emdr and that was very helpful. I had encouraged him to try it for years and it was out of his comfort zone but he'd found a therapist he was comfortable with. It helped him with some childhood trauma but again it was only a couple of emdr sessions and while they helped, it wasn't enough to alter the avoidance attachment. This is rambling--hope it helps a little." Thank you for the response. So, sounds like in your experience, it's all up to the avoidant to have realization or not. I can see my ex possibly never having an 'aha' moment, but I suppose that is up to him... Seems that he has made it impossible for himself to be in a relationship, by making his identity as 'the single guy dedicated to his work/hobby.' While we were dating I know he was happy and falling for me, but at the same time he did vocalize a kind of struggle with his identity changing, as no longer the 'single guy' who only lived and breathed for work. It makes me sad, but I suppose I need to trust that he will either figure things out and be able to help himself.. or not.. |
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Post by Zed on Oct 3, 2016 22:28:15 GMT
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Post by the lonliness on Oct 3, 2016 23:49:04 GMT
Hi, Zed I just went to the Wikipedia article I cited and it does indeed discuss Avoidant Personality Disorder and not Dismissive Attachment Disorder. Thank you for correcting me! It's so important to get the facts straight and avoid confusion and I was too quick to share what I found, not noticing I had searched for "dismissive avoidant attachment" and the result from Wiki was for Avoidant Personality Disorder or APD. That's inexcusable and I'll be more careful. Ahh!!  Thanks again. |
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Post by the lonliness on Oct 4, 2016 0:36:43 GMT
Thank you for the response. So, sounds like in your experience, it's all up to the avoidant to have realization or not. I can see my ex possibly never having an 'aha' moment, but I suppose that is up to him... Seems that he has made it impossible for himself to be in a relationship, by making his identity as 'the single guy dedicated to his work/hobby.' While we were dating I know he was happy and falling for me, but at the same time he did vocalize a kind of struggle with his identity changing, as no longer the 'single guy' who only lived and breathed for work. It makes me sad, but I suppose I need to trust that he will either figure things out and be able to help himself.. or not.. I think so.. I think I wasted a lot of time trying to influence or even get him to change(!) or hope he'd change. My H's "aha" moments inched him forward but not enough to make our relationship healthier in the long term. What you describe about how your ex made his identity as 'the single guy dedicated to his work/hobby.' is so similar to what I still experience: my guy is making his identity as the video game player/music maker and nothing (despite some aha moments that he learned through small amounts of therapy, will change that). "While we were dating I know he was happy and falling for me, but at the same time he did vocalize a kind of struggle with his identity changing, as no longer the 'single guy' who only lived and breathed for work" Ditto - very similar dynamic for me when we were engaged to be married. I keep seeing patterns when I read stories from others involved in a dismissive attachment type of relationship. i know what you're going through is confusing. It sounds like a blessing in a way, but I know it's not fun) that he has moved on. Wishing you the best of luck. ✨🌸✨ |
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Thanks again.