still can't get over it

Well first of all I am so sorry you are going through this too! I have seen your posts here and have found them to be helpful. I hope you find a way to heal even though you remain in contact. Seems like you are in a great forum to help your healing process.

They actually stopped fighting so I am recovering now. I feel so bad for the couple living below me because I remember what it feels like to argue like that. And that is a good question......I do not know what my goal is in terms of getting back with him. I cannot answer that with complete accuracy because I have not seen or talked to him in nine months. I would say I lean towards reconciliation because I feel we could have had a good chance to make things work, but I also have learned much about myself since the breakup. I would have to actually speak with him and see if he has improved in order to make that final decision.

I have come to terms with the fact that we may never get back together, but what seems to hurt the most is the thought that he may really not care or think of me after all we have been through and all we bonded over. I would probably be just fine knowing that we may never get back together, but still knowing at the end of the day that he misses me and cares for me still. Some professionals on youtube say avoidants do miss the ex, but they just don't register it. But then I get on here and some people say avoidant don't miss the other person. I can't figure it out. I just want to be cared for in return, that's all.

i'm sorry your heart is breaking, it sounds like both of you cared a lot.

did you think he was the one, as is?
or did you think he was the one, with some changes to become what you want him to be?

it's an important question.

i'm avoidant, and i don't know of any partner who loves, understands and wants me as is, except my current partner; who is also avoidant.

we're compatible.
do you feel compatible with your ex, as is? because unless someone is offering change, that's the only thing to consider.

just trying to help you sort through, as lonliness, regret and nostalgia can really do a number on reason.

They do miss you. If you were good to them and did not stress them out too much. Your example sounds so familiar to mine. Three days ago I was in the shower crying. Broke up with my DA 6 months ago because of her distancing strategies. I couldn’t take it anymore. But I always treated her so well. I never got mad or angry. But I did have to walk away. 6 months and not a peep from her. This is the type of partner who would NEVER chase someone. But I had always remembered a post in which Mary (our most helpful member of the forum here I think) said that the only way she would reach back out to someone was if she felt safe in doing so. IE if she knew that the person wasn’t mad at her or upset with her. I always made it known during our breaks that she could contact me if she wanted to give it a go. And when I finally broke up with her I told her I loved her so much but could not handle being with someone unavailable. But also that I loved her to death. She told me how she appreciated someone that put so much effort into her.

6 months and not a word from her. All of the same thoughts that you just had in your post. Every day this person crossed my mind. “I’ll pribably never hear from them again.” That all changed a few days ago when I looked down at my phone and saw that they reached out to ME. The impossible happened. And we’re meeting up next week to go out. Avoidants need to feel safe. If you want to give it another go then extend the olive branch to him to communicate with you with absolutely zero pressure. Only love and acceptance.


During one of our break ups after reconciliation she told me that she felt depressed the past few months but didn’t know why. The only thing that had changed in her life was I was out of the picture...she had NO conscious relation that she was depressed over our break up. I would almost guarantee with absolute certainty based on your facts that he misses you. He may not be aware that he does on the surface but it sounds like he does.

To be continued...

here is my experience of missing, as an avoidant, and one that i see in my partner as well:

whether or not i miss a person after a relationship ends depends on how hated or despised i felt in spite of expressions of love. Really. if the arguing made me feel misunderstood, devalued, negatively characterized, demeaned, or insulted, i did not leave the relationship looking back with warm feelings. leaving was a relief and i didn't give it much further thought in terms of going back. This doesn't mean i am happy necessarily, although i will be glad to not be subjected to further unpleasantries. i am also dealing privately with my own feelings of anger, disgust , resentment, hurt, and whatever negative feelings are involved with being treated badly.

Most DA i know are very practical people, so as stated in a previous comment, missing is not always enough.
If i have warm feelings about a person that i no longer am in relationship with, but see no practical way to overcome obstacles that broke us, the missing is something i accept and know is not enough to lead me to try again. I see that DA i know are action oriented and if they can't take action to remedy something they don't spend a lot of time going around about it, they let it go and deal privately with any feelings they have, however they deal with them.

(Also, if a DA tend to numb feelings with over work or substances, missing will be numbed and no action taken. there is probably not a solution in their mind, as they turn to numbing and distancing and not solutions. )

In the case of something unresolved, where the relationship has ended, and i miss a lot, i will try to find a remedy and if i believe a reasonable one exists (as in, a change in MY OWN behavior and beliefs and approach, i will make the effort toward reconciliation.

It may take time, but if i want to reconcile i won't stop myself , i will make and execute a plan of reconciliation. It may or may not work, but i won't deny myself the opportunity.

A DA who is less aware may limit themselves and just turn away from the relationship altogether. It seems looking back that that is what i did prior to recovery but honestly, everything is vague and sketchy to me back then.
I think it's very possible to tune out missing and just drift away. But that's not me any more.

I don't know if it's helpful, i have done a lot of work and am able to look back in retrospect to understand things, and to understand DA around me.

Also- in the case of a DA who is unaware.... they may miss, and restablish conract, without a real plan. Contact in that case would not mean that real insight has been gained, but they are not at the absolute end. this can feel hopeful but as many have experienced, it can be just a prolonging of the end, it can happen on both sides like that where neither has the health or solutions in place to sustain the relationship and they are just grappling with messy feelings.

I think it's safest to say, no contact from a DA means they aren't seeing reconciliation, they most likely are resigned in some way to the end of the relationship.

This can change over time but until it does, prolonged silence in my experience does not translate to longing and hoping and wishing for what could be, on the DA side.

Every person and situation is different but that just my perspective on the topic of missing.

it's important to mention that i think the underlying belief for an avoidant is that relationships don't work out. that's a powerful belief and if they haven't begun to question it yet, they will likely live in ways that prove that belief, even as they wrestle with it and wish for something different. it's about not having the capacity to do differently (until fundamental long standing beliefs evolve through introspection and effort). we just started talking about that in the support forum, that's why i bring it up here.

No one knows but him if he misses you or not.  As others have said, it depends on what the relationship was like, if you really connected and how in touch he is with his feelings.  The important thing is that you take care of yourself and figure out what it is that you want and need.  I think a lot of people just want to know the ex misses them as a "validation" of the relationship.  The validation of the relationship though resides within you.

Oh my..... so many wonderful and helpful responses. I am truly overwhelmed in the best way!! I cannot put into words how low I have been feeling ever since I was reminded of my ex through my neighbor's fight. I want to answer the responses now, but I need to take all of this in. I also just got back from a long day at work so I will answer these tomorrow when I am not exhausted. thanks you guys so much and will be back tomorrow