Beliefs

YES i can relate to this.

absolutely.

I noticed that the (negative) things that my partner and i said about ourselves and relationships ultimately became our reality. he said he wasn't good at relationships and that two people couldn't sustain their care for each other.
i said that i didn't need anyone. that's the underpinning of the dialogs we had about relationships in the beginning.

they were definitely self limiting beliefs.

so we were in a cycle of breaking, and coming back together to try again, and breaking. we had such an affection and care for each other, that we negated at every turn.

i can't say that it was purely targeting beliefs that changed the trajectory. i think it was a combination of examining beliefs and letting them evolve through deep work, and consciously changing actions known to be more beneficial and less detrimental, and allowing experience and positive emotions that began as a seed, to grow with the new care being given them. does that make sense?

it became about nurturing a different reality. When i challenged the belief that i "need" no one, i was deeply impacted in a scary way, by the fact that as a human, i do. it shook me, due to the vulnerability i experienced associated with that. i distanced repeatedly as i worked through my conflict with that. i had to overcome fear of loss. what i mean is that i had to then further challenge my belief, that if something or someone is dear to me, it will be taken away. Like, as soon as i let myself love him, he will get sick and die and i will be heartbroken. (i know we all die... the point is, me loving someone means i can't have them. not my fault, but i will be denied automatically)
i know it sounds crazy. but the depth of my feeling made me very afraid. as i look back at my early life, i can see how i was conditioned to believe that, but i am reconditioning myself now as an adult.

.

So, it's been a very raw and vulnerable place i had to go to to discover and challenge my beliefs, and to begin to nurture new beliefs and actions. it's a daily decision to continue to do so, while the new beliefs and actions grow.

it's a conscious and deliberate intention to allow the outcome i desire. and i am focused on daily thoughts, actions, and outcomes, rather than the future. So, if you think of it like growing a beautiful rose bush, i water and tend and prune and observe and appreciate the rose bush every day, and it's reasonable now to think that it will remain a big beautiful healthy bush with roses. I no longer approach the rose bush with my watering can thinking "This bush is gonna die before it even flowers "

it's interesting to note also, that in areas where i don't harbor fear, the same has also been true in reverse--- i have assumed success and acted in ways that bring it about. I did that with my family's living situation and dynamic, my business, my physical fitness and health, the goals i had there always seemed completely within reach and not an overwhelmingly fearful process.

Relationship (romantic) has been the area of trepidation and negative beliefs for me, and that is now changing. i feel raw tho even as i type this because it brings up vulnerability. so then i go back to baby steps of allowing what i love, to be.

i am going to reflect on this some more, it's been a theme of my own inner work. The reality is, we are all Creators.

Interesting.

This has also been key for me.

As written in my inner child thread, I now found out what belief has caused me to reject my father and later become dismissive or at least very reserved in romantic relationships. Hence my flirting style involves coolness and mixed signals.
Becoming aware of it war such a release for me.

My theory is that a belief we are not aware of becomes tangled in many emotions, buried in the unconscious and hard to reach on a conceptual level. Then we can say, yeah that was valid in childhood, but not what I am observing today

yes, this resonates deeply with me.
and, the word "need" here translates more accurately to a realization of how valuable my partner is to me, how i cherish him. and how i want to work with him so that we both benefit and grow.
opening up myself to the kind of love i feel with him ,which feels like a symbiotic deep friendship and soul-level accord, has been UNTHINKABLE and completely unrealistic to me all my life prior. i couldn't even imagine it.

It's only been the deep work of , like @mary said, finding out what beliefs i carry and where they came from, that has allowed me to change course. I was living on some kind of autopilot navigated by negative a fear based beliefs, before.

honestly, it's been so scary and painful at times to feel that vulnerable.
i wouldn't want to go back, to before, but i wasn't ready for the deep chasm of fear that opened up in me. it was a fear of losing something i want so badly, that i had hoped all my life for, without even realizing it maybe.
When i held my newborn baby the first time i felt that way, but i didn't feel afraid. i knew i was in it for life.

But when i realized this had happened inside of me in a relationship i could walk away from, to avoid the vulnerability, i had to start doing deep stuff to address the conflicts in me.

I feel a lot more peaceful but i'm not cured. I don't know if i ever will be. But it's a daily willingness to stay open and present. and it's good. People do it all the time, i've seen it just never experienced it between myself and a partner before. i couldn't understand it before.

Reminds me of the concept of "confirmation bias" too...

I agree it can be helpful to think about how your beliefs lead into actions and results, and if one wants different results then changing the core (or initial) beliefs.
Hmmm... could definitely be revolutionary.