what does it feel like when you need "space"?

For me it is the same as June, I just get tired from being around people too long and want to enjoy my own company.
Nor do I drop off the face of the earth. I live alone so to be home is to be alone unless I invite and I plan a mix of social time and me time.

This is what I do after a day with lots of appointments. Just a day to relax and play.

Sounds good! Being alone together can also be relaxing. I enjoyed something similar with my first boyfriend, who was secure. I would just read and chill and he would chill at the computer.

goldilocks
ocarina

so it sounds like that quiet space is serene for you, me too.
i have tried to remember what it was before my recovery from a lot of stuff,
and i have a hard time remembering.
But i feel i have always been separate and solitary in a sense.
Thank you for sharing your perspectives on that, i've wondered what it's like for others who grew up with an avoidant style of relating.

So, here's a question.
What does it feel like, when for some reason, you are unable to have that space?
I have my life organized with my schedules and obligations, so that i am ensured that time and space around me.
At the end of my day, i prefer to be alone. This was a hard thing for me when i shared a home with a partner.

I don't need ir want to recount my day with someone, or catch up- i just want to be in the moment with myself at the end of the day . Like Goldi said, i like my own company too, as much as i like anybody else's- i make time for it. I give myself that attention.

If i am unable to have the space i want and need, i feel restless and unhappy. It is a significant stressor for me.
it does turn into a feeling of overwhelm and an urgent need to rectify the situation.

I need to be able to count on that space like i count on a good night's sleep.

goldilocks we sound very similar.
I used to feel bad or apologetic about this aspect of my nature but i embrace it as how i am and something that i cannot and don't need to alter.

at dinner with one of my friends who tests as DA also, she and i were sharing our appreciation for both the time we do get together, and the flexibility to be able to alter plans of one of us isn't up to it.

We get that not all people feel comfortable with that flexibility, and see time commitment as an indicator of respect. For the most part i agree. I am a professional, and i work by appointment. I maintain a schedule of appointments, am always on time for my clients, and i am punctual for any appointments i make with other people also.

But my friend and I, have an understanding that we will check in before a dinner date or other time with each ther, to see if we are still On. Her statement about it was so refreshing and honest, to me. she said
"Yeah, i want to spend time with you when i feel good, and can enjoy it. I don't want to be here, feeling like i need to check out. That isn't enjoyable for either one of us!"

and i wholeheartedly agree! When i don't HAVE to do something on a set schedule, i really prefer to ebb and flow how I WANT and do what i feel like doing. My friends are the same, and we trust that the enjoyment and intention is truly there and make an effort to align with each other's vibe. But if shifts need to occur, there is absolutely no hard feelings or disappointment. there is extraordinary flexibility that just works for us.

The same is true for my partner and i. We have a plan this weekend with a specific time, and we both know that if we need to adjust , we can and will with warm feelings and happiness to accommodate.

it's a different culture regarding time , in my opinion. Not good or bad, just a different culture, the culture i feel most at home in.

with major plans that require actual itenerary, it would be different. But i keep that to a minimum lol.

and like you goldilocks, i try to plan time commitments alternating with solitude so that i can stay happy and balanced. it's like working with an energy budget.

I am just sharing this because i used to not feel right in my own skin because i was around a lot of people who don't get this. I didn't get it. I wasn't really looking at it, i was just aware of discomfort sometimes that could be alleviated by being alone or avoiding rigid expectations.

Now i see it as a part of my makeup and i am gentle with myself about it.

So thank you for being there for me to bounce this around.
It's important to me and has been a major factor in developing a life and relationships that work for me. i learned the hard way about it in some regards.

i don't expect anyone else to do things on my terms but gravitate toward like minded individuals. In reality, these are the individuals i feel most connected and intimate with, the ones that aren't negatively impacted by lots of space and fluid timelines. I feel wholly accepted and understood and it feels really good to belong just as i am without needing to change a lot.

absolutely, and for me, the comfort of knowing flexibility is there makes me much more likely to relax and feel comfortable making and keeping plans!

The underlying sense of ease and acceptance and understanding softens my avoidant coping mechanisms, so the relaxed situations become consistent and reliable, as we have a level of trust and mutual respect.

When i have a sense of something being overly rigid or forced i tend to lapse into avoidance.

I would say 9 times out of 10 the plan is kept pretty close to the original- but knowing that there won't be an explosion or emotional wreckage if not is important to me.

thanks for clarifying!
i read it as you interpreting but not experiencing.
It really is an individual thing isn't it? i find myself totally unable to relate to this, but it may be a difference in anxiety levels between FA and DA.
it's interesting to see the similarities and differences!