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Post by DearLover on Apr 9, 2018 2:44:22 GMT
Hi friends, yes I am back.
Funny, just read an old post of mine from September saying that I was relieved my relationship ended in August. Relieved I might be, true, but I have been thinking so much about him lately. Nearly 8 months on....and we were together for 9 months only! Hopefully I will get over this for good soon, I don't want to pine for longer than the actual length of the relationship... ugh.
So many amazing things happened in my life since we broke up. I love myself more than ever before. I had a lot of growth.
I think what triggered me to keep thinking about him, wondering about him, wanting to talk/see him is that I moved houses. We talked about moving houses a lot. He started to think about moving houses himself but since when I met him I was so desperate to move and it seemed like an impossible dream or at least very far away goal (I was in temporary accommodation and it was horrendous), but than I just had an opportunity to move out of the blue to the exact location I wanted and I am so happy! I am making my new home beautiful. It is a joy to be here.
I keep thinking about inviting him over to see my new place ...he was such a good listener when I was talking about moving and very supportive too. I imagine, once all the decoration and furnishing are done, calling him and ask him to meet me for 1 hour or 2 so I can show him something...I would make it clear we won't need to talk about the relationship, the end of it, or emotions and feelings, or anything like that. Just meet like old friends for a couple of hours, I just want to show him that I did it.
I wonder if it is my ego wanting to be stroked? Or if it is an excuse I making to contact him?
Nevertheless, I know that I am strong enough now and I won't break the 8 months no-contact. If he contacts me or we bump into each other I even might invite him...or might not...I don't want memories of him in my brand new home and I don't want to get under his spell again. I will struggle.
But me contacting him again, never...he totally refused supporting me, ignored and dropped me in one of the most sad moments of my life (when my dad passed away). Nice guy.
And snooping on his tweeter I see he is moving too. I wish I could see his new home, but I know I never will.
Maybe it is loneliness. But I don't feel like dating again, at least not online dating...I want it to happen naturally this time.
It would be nice to get him out of my head once and for all. The hard part is to understand why I have been discarded like a piece of junk, with so much contempt...
I was nothing but loving and nurturing to this man.
I know I was the one who ended but he wasn't really there in the relationship and he knows it. In fact he was the one trying to create drama and confusion, trying to make things sour whilst I kept on my best behaviour. My only fault was not to communicate as well as I could but than there is only so much you can say via text messages, his all time favourite form of communication and the only way he wanted to communicate during our last days 'together'
I need to forgive myself still. I have done nothing wrong. It would be easier if I had some closure. But he run away and hid, I just don't get it. How can a person live like this?
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 9, 2018 7:47:03 GMT
I find that the more stressed I am...the more I think about B....and the more I want connection from him. A move is a very big thing that can both be exciting and stressful...so, along with the fact that you spoke to him about moving....there may also be some element of stress that is driving these thoughts. I would not call it a step back...more like a momentary return of a familiar pattern.
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Post by DearLover on Apr 9, 2018 19:10:51 GMT
Hmmm
Yes
Maybe because I am out of my routine, 2 weeks break from work and concentrating in putting the home right. Busy but not crazy busy. Maybe I just have to fill up my time a bit more.
I will re-starting concentrating on all his behaviours that makes him incompatible to me and list all of the unacceptable things that he did so I don't lose sight. I don't want to be angry or keep a grudge but it seems that when it come to broken heart, this is the better option. At least for me. Until it is all forgotten. I know it is possible, I have been there before.
Heart, hurry up and mend. Stop looking for answers. The only answer is NOW.
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Post by meimei on Apr 9, 2018 19:19:52 GMT
Welcome back here Dear Lover. I think Tnr9 s feedback was great.
If for some reason, you do decide to talk to your ex, my advice would be to meet him outside the home, somewhere public - resteraunt, etc.
Our homes should be a safe haven and unless he makes you feel safe, keep your retreat private until you do feel comfortable with him again.
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Post by DearLover on Apr 10, 2018 21:10:24 GMT
Yes, not contacting.
it was just some silly fantasy, sometimes the thought of talking to him again makes me nauseous...all it took was to remind myself of some things that he did that I don't want back in my life ever again.
I am not the same person that I was when we were together, I am so beyond now. There is no room in my new life for him.
So perhaps it was the stress that made me do it (think about him again)
It is exasperating how the roller coaster still goes on even after a 8 month break up without contact.
I am better since receiving the support from here.
Thank you
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 11, 2018 8:34:39 GMT
Yes, not contacting. it was just some silly fantasy, sometimes the thought of talking to him again makes me nauseous...all it took was to remind myself of some things that he did that I don't want back in my life ever again. I am not the same person that I was when we were together, I am so beyond now. There is no room in my new life for him. So perhaps it was the stress that made me do it (think about him again) It is exasperating how the roller coaster still goes on even after a 8 month break up without contact. I am better since receiving the support from here. Thank you Hey DearLover...I hear you....last night I realized that B removed his "year in review" from FB of the year we were dating. It literally through me into a tailspin because I can't accept that that is simply him moving forward with his life and not tied back to something I did "wrong". So deeply ingrained is my perspective that everything falls to me that I honestly entertained a line of thought that I wasn't "responsive" enough or friendly enough in some recent text messages he sent and due to that alone, he took down that year in review. It stinks because I honestly love that man for all of who he is....but my attachment pain gets so very triggered (perceived mistakes are so very costly). I don't know how in any way that ties back to your post...so I apologize for high jacking it. |
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Post by DearLover on Apr 12, 2018 9:35:37 GMT
tnr9
I can identify with the feeling
I came to the conclusion that the reason why I wanted to call ex to come and see my new place is only to prove to him that I am better than what he thought I was, I can do it, I am enough, I have value, I am much more now than I was before... As if the relationship didn't work out because of me, or what I was...
It is the old stinky lack of self esteem that resurfaces sometimes, I though I gad dealt with it.
Yes, I spent precious time in my life wondering how the relationship and his behaviour could have turned out differently only if I have said something else, if I had acted in some other way, or if I was silent...
It is a non -win situation.
But also it means that I am getting strong at knowing what I want and what I don't want so it will be easier to make decisions regarding a new relationship. And what I absolutely know that I want is just to relax and be myself totally naturally without overthinking or trying to manipulate the other's response. And I know, better single than in a dysfunctional relationship, so no fear of loosing anyone anymore.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 12, 2018 12:06:42 GMT
tnr9 I can identify with the feeling I came to the conclusion that the reason why I wanted to call ex to come and see my new place is only to prove to him that I am better than what he thought I was, I can do it, I am enough, I have value, I am much more now than I was before... As if the relationship didn't work out because of me, or what I was... It is the old stinky lack of self esteem that resurfaces sometimes, I though I gad dealt with it. Yes, I spent precious time in my life wondering how the relationship and his behaviour could have turned out differently only if I have said something else, if I had acted in some other way, or if I was silent... It is a non -win situation. But also it means that I am getting strong at knowing what I want and what I don't want so it will be easier to make decisions regarding a new relationship. And what I absolutely know that I want is just to relax and be myself totally naturally without overthinking or trying to manipulate the other's response. And I know, better single than in a dysfunctional relationship, so no fear of loosing anyone anymore. I can totally relate...but I am not as far along....it is like 1 step forward and 2 steps back...with the imbalanced he is awesome and I am common thinking....I spent 20 minutes stuck in that mindset. I am just trying to be kind to myself through it....to understand where it all started from instead of beating myself up/rejecting myself for missing him still. Healing has it's own timeline...mine seems to be elongated...but I know I will be ok. Thank you for listening. So glad that you figured out what was going on.  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 12:49:30 GMT
Hi! So nice to see a former fellow poster again! Proud of your recovery and NC, that's the right way forward for the rather hopeless cases of DA. Like you, I'm occasionally thinking about him, still in dating limbo, met some potential dates, but it may be my Avoidant radar overworking - I usually backed off!  It's ok, It means we are getting closer each day to the right man as we swiftly eliminate the unsuitable ones, one at a time. I have a gut feeling he will return, ...  my dilemma would be if I would be hoovered back as my determination wavers... |
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Post by DearLover on Apr 12, 2018 12:55:20 GMT
tnr9 I can identify with the feeling I came to the conclusion that the reason why I wanted to call ex to come and see my new place is only to prove to him that I am better than what he thought I was, I can do it, I am enough, I have value, I am much more now than I was before... As if the relationship didn't work out because of me, or what I was... It is the old stinky lack of self esteem that resurfaces sometimes, I though I gad dealt with it. Yes, I spent precious time in my life wondering how the relationship and his behaviour could have turned out differently only if I have said something else, if I had acted in some other way, or if I was silent... It is a non -win situation. But also it means that I am getting strong at knowing what I want and what I don't want so it will be easier to make decisions regarding a new relationship. And what I absolutely know that I want is just to relax and be myself totally naturally without overthinking or trying to manipulate the other's response. And I know, better single than in a dysfunctional relationship, so no fear of loosing anyone anymore. I can totally relate...but I am not as far along....it is like 1 step forward and 2 steps back...with the imbalanced he is awesome and I am common thinking....I spent 20 minutes stuck in that mindset. I am just trying to be kind to myself through it....to understand where it all started from instead of beating myself up/rejecting myself for missing him still. Healing has it's own timeline...mine seems to be elongated...but I know I will be ok. Thank you for listening. So glad that you figured out what was going on. Is he really that awesome though? Is he? Next time you think he is awesome, shift your thought to your own awesomeness. Make a list of all your amazing qualities plus the ones you want to acquire. Time to put the time and energy back in ourselves  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 13:02:02 GMT
I can totally relate...but I am not as far along....it is like 1 step forward and 2 steps back...with the imbalanced he is awesome and I am common thinking....I spent 20 minutes stuck in that mindset. I am just trying to be kind to myself through it....to understand where it all started from instead of beating myself up/rejecting myself for missing him still. Healing has it's own timeline...mine seems to be elongated...but I know I will be ok. Thank you for listening. So glad that you figured out what was going on. Dear Lover is right. You will be free the day you *decide* to BE free. When you make that decision, you must share and you can still hang out here with all of us. Hey guys, if he tries hoovering I'm counting on all of you to help keep me "straight", K? |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 12, 2018 15:47:13 GMT
I can totally relate...but I am not as far along....it is like 1 step forward and 2 steps back...with the imbalanced he is awesome and I am common thinking....I spent 20 minutes stuck in that mindset. I am just trying to be kind to myself through it....to understand where it all started from instead of beating myself up/rejecting myself for missing him still. Healing has it's own timeline...mine seems to be elongated...but I know I will be ok. Thank you for listening. So glad that you figured out what was going on. Is he really that awesome though? Is he? Next time you think he is awesome, shift your thought to your own awesomeness. Make a list of all your amazing qualities plus the ones you want to acquire. Time to put the time and energy back in ourselves So....the little girl within me is uber protective of him...and yes...she thinks he is pretty darn awesome. Does he have flaws? Yes. Is he perfect? No. But to her...he is a diamond. And because I love my little girl....I will continue to see the goodness in him. The issue isn't seeing him for his goodness...it is owning mine as both separate and equal. That is where the process truly begins....owning that it is ok to love B and love myself. I know it sounds a bit daft...and yes...I own that my process is a bit unique....but where I see my opportunity for real change is focusing on the goodness in me while loving the goodness in him. 🙂 |
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my dilemma would be if I would be hoovered back as my determination wavers...