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Post by nottheonion on Apr 9, 2018 22:17:32 GMT
I believe he was a FA. Things were going good and he seemed very keen on having a relationship with me. then slowly he expressed a lot of insecurities and doubts about me, mainly because of my past and that he’s never dated anyone like me. I was initially ok with it but he started to feel the need to express these doubts to me whenever I thought things were good. He would then emotionally distance himself. He would never disappear or physically distance himself. He was always keen to work things out but also upset a lot of the times. It has taken a toll on my emotional well-being because I felt judged and unloved. And it seems like he didn’t tend to respond to reassurance so I ended it. He agreed with me that he might be insecure. Or that he might just not be over his ex after years.
I felt angry that he would bring up his ex since he was always adamant that he was over her and he was more ready for commitment than me. I felt that he needed to project his insecurity on me and his ex rather than reflecting on himself.
I’ve been feeling upset but at the same time I don’t want him back because I don’t think he would change. He always said he wanted someone to make him feel secure and go out less. Also someone who makes him improve himself and that it just didn’t feel right between us. I thought it was ridiculous that a grown man needs to have someone to make him change and get his shit together in his life.
He still has to return some stuff to me and potentially pay me back some money. I don’t want to talk to him for now. I would be happy to be his friend but it doesn’t seem like he wants to talk or stay friends with me at the moment.
It’s been such a weird experience cos I have never ever met anyone as insecure and paranoid as him. What gives?
Edit: not entirely sure if he’s an avoidant or just a very insecure person cos he doesn’t exhibit a lot of avoidant traits. Also we never had the push and pull.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2018 23:49:04 GMT
This sounds similar to the last guy that I was dating who was also FA!
Always bringing up his ex girlfriend - and I mean, all of the time - in idealised terms. Ended up comparing us to their relationship until I mentioned it and he seemed a bit embarrassed and ashamed and agreed it was unfair to compare - and then he started doing it again. Fault finding over anything and everything (once he expressed doubts that we have "too much in common"!). Amazing connection in the first month, and then it began... weird hot/cold behaviour right up until the end, unlike yours. It really did murder my self esteem to be with that guy, because I felt like he was so critical even when he was silent - I felt like I was being so harshly scrutinised all of the time, and in the end I didn't even know how to be myself with and around him, which is why I had to break things off. I felt paralysis.
I had literally no idea where I stood with that guy. It's honestly shell shocking when it dawns on you that even through all your bending, shape shifting, perfecting of yourself to be the perfect person... you will never ever be enough. The realisation of this has kept me gone out of his life, but I miss him terribly lately.
It's so hard to build yourself up after an experience like this, because it erodes your self esteem over time. Just know that their inability to accept you is only a reflection of their own discomfort
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 10, 2018 0:36:33 GMT
Hey Tigrio, Mine actually barely talked about his ex until tat moment when he realised he couldn’t rationalise why he felt so insecure and paranoid. It almost felt like he needed to find an excuse to make him feel better about the situation. He struck me as a secure type until his hidden insecurity unveiled. From start till end he never hid his emotion or his feelings for me but towards the end everything I said or did would trigger him. If I said “I want to go out with someone who I can trust with my secrets and confine in ..” he would so focus on the word “secret” and believe that I have some dark secrets or hidden agenda. He said it was all because I’m unlike any girl he’s dated. That made me think he always chased after a certain type of girls that is “safe” and won’t trigger him as much, ie the quiet introverted next door girl type. I challenged his comfort zone. He’s often so insecure that he would comment how I’m this ambitious young woman trying to climb the corporate ladder and how other guys always eye ball me. All of these things seemed to make him very upset. I’m not sure if I didn’t do enough to make him feel secure. I would’ve 100% tried harder if he didn’t put so much pressure on me by constantly feeling the need to express his doubts. I did like him so much and I could tell he felt the same. But I guess it’s easier for avoidants to accept “things aren’t working out”. I’ve been anxious - avoidant but becoming more and more secure. I know how being avoidant felt. I was a master of shutting down my emotions but I had to try really hard. I had a brief couple of days of feeling self esteem getting hit mainly because I believe I did nothing wrong to make him feel this way (I probably revealed too much too soon but I liked him and wanted him to know the real me. But it turns out avoidant people could take bits and pieces of your words and think of you as some bad person that you’re not!). Now I’m feeling confident again. Because hey! If someone could feel so insecure about themselves in front of me, I must be pretty great! Because I am!  |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 10, 2018 0:46:42 GMT
Also, Tigrio, they’re not looking for the perfect gf. They’re looking for someone who’s not perfect so they could feel secure about themselves. They’re not capable of doing that on their own. I could totally see how my guy couldn’t given that pretty much all of his immediate family had abandonment issues and have divorced at some point. His worries were often based on his fear that I might cheat / leave / do things that he finds it hard to accept in the future. He couldn’t even deal with that I’m a sociable and outgoing person and liked to think I’m restless (I’m not. I’m quite grounded and have a career goal that I have to work long hours for).
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 10, 2018 5:17:19 GMT
He sounds extremely insecure, and you sound like a total badass who knows what she wants. I think you’re better off without this guy in the long run. It will sting for a bit at first but later on down the line I think you know that you made the right decision.
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 10, 2018 23:08:03 GMT
Yeah it’s not been a week so definitely still stings. And he’s been very slow to reply regarding giving me my stuff. He seems reluctant to talk whereas I’m trying to be more friendly and make things less awkward.
Sometimes I do wonder what’s going through his head after I ended it or if I had been more secure, things could have been different. I just can’t bring myself to go back anymore and I hope he doesn’t try anything. His insecurity will just wreck me.
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