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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 13:04:30 GMT
Well I'll pipe up. For reasons other than wanting to get them back, I directed my lovely little "ex avoidant" to this forum. I just told them it gave me a better understanding of myself. If you don't necessarily want to win them back, how much harm can it do? What are they going to do, dump you even more. ;-P How did they react to this? Also, how do you know they're taking their time to read the information on the forum? You're right that I don't have much to lose, aside from losing a friend who's already distant. i'm sure if you pursue this he'll stick around. avoidants are known for accepting help with their personal lives from people closest to them that they don't contact much. if he won't talk to you openly about his progress, i think there are ways to track it surreptitiously. 😳 just kidding, i do wish you the best in his endeavors! 😑 |
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Post by gulrot on Apr 12, 2018 18:27:00 GMT
How did they react to this? Also, how do you know they're taking their time to read the information on the forum? You're right that I don't have much to lose, aside from losing a friend who's already distant. i'm sure if you pursue this he'll stick around. avoidants are known for accepting help with their personal lives from people closest to them that they don't contact much. if he won't talk to you openly about his progress, i think there are ways to track it surreptitiously. 😳 just kidding, i do wish you the best in his endeavors! 😑 Thank you! If you don't mind me asking, I wonder how you told your DA partner about this? What was your relationship to your DA partner while you were apart? Friends? Did you talk regularly? I want to tell him, but I don't know how to go forth without seeming intruding. Also, I wonder how you and your partner ended up together again if you were both DAs? Sounds like an interesting story! |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 12, 2018 20:31:59 GMT
I’m wondering why you decided it was a smart idea to tell someone that you are with that it most likely will not work out in the long run? I mean if someone told me that I would probably back off too and cut the chord. That is a very hurtful thing to have someone tell you. Something to consider next time.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 20:32:49 GMT
i'm sure if you pursue this he'll stick around. avoidants are known for accepting help with their personal lives from people closest to them that they don't contact much. if he won't talk to you openly about his progress, i think there are ways to track it surreptitiously. 😳 just kidding, i do wish you the best in his endeavors! 😑 Thank you! If you don't mind me asking, I wonder how you told your DA partner about this? What was your relationship to your DA partner while you were apart? Friends? Did you talk regularly? I want to tell him, but I don't know how to go forth without seeming intruding. Also, I wonder how you and your partner ended up together again if you were both DAs? Sounds like an interesting story! im sorry,i was trying to be funny with sarcasm. i actually agree with the posters who suggested you leave him alone about this. you introduced it and he acknowledged it, and anything more on your part, i feel is overstepping. he broke up with you and has not asked for your help. My situation is very very different from what you are describing, and i shared this with my partner when we were talking about things we have in common with this. we were already both in therapy for our own individual issues. we understand each other because we share similar traits. We reconciled after individual work and a humble and sincere approach on my part to make amends for anything hurtful or unhealthy that i had done in the relationship. i made this approach out of love for him and sincere regret for things i had not handled well. My partner and i are together because we mutually want to be. I do not involve myself in his personal processes at all. and he is not involved in mine. I was kidding about an avoidant being open to what you are attempting to do. I was also kidding about you tracking his progress, i think that would be very controlling and inappropriate. I'm sorry my sarcasm didn't go over well, i didn't intend to be mean i was just kind of surprised by your overtures toward him when he seems to want to be left alone (based on what you shared.) I know you feel you have nothing to lose, but that says nothing about him and his right to choose the time and. method of his healing, if he does, without your interference or agenda. I don't believe you are being appropriate to pursue this with him. Anyway, i'm sorry i couldn't offer any helpful information, and i will leave you to your decisions about this. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 21:49:59 GMT
also, he might not be hurt, it may be he finds your behavior repellent.
it's possible he does not want to hurt your feelings, but isn't receptive to you at all.
no one can read his mind, i am just saying as an avoidant that his response ( or lack of ) may include those sentiments.
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Post by gulrot on Apr 12, 2018 23:49:27 GMT
I’m wondering why you decided it was a smart idea to tell someone that you are with that it most likely will not work out in the long run? I mean if someone told me that I would probably back off too and cut the chord. That is a very hurtful thing to have someone tell you. Something to consider next time. Because I initially wanted to break up, as stated in the first post of this thread. He then came with a bunch of reasons why it could work out, and I thought maybe he was willing to try harder and gave him another chance. That we would both try to meet halfway. I don't just say those things randomly to my partners, lol. |
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Post by gulrot on Apr 12, 2018 23:56:04 GMT
Thank you! If you don't mind me asking, I wonder how you told your DA partner about this? What was your relationship to your DA partner while you were apart? Friends? Did you talk regularly? I want to tell him, but I don't know how to go forth without seeming intruding. Also, I wonder how you and your partner ended up together again if you were both DAs? Sounds like an interesting story! im sorry,i was trying to be funny with sarcasm. i actually agree with the posters who suggested you leave him alone about this. you introduced it and he acknowledged it, and anything more on your part, i feel is overstepping. he broke up with you and has not asked for your help. My situation is very very different from what you are describing, and i shared this with my partner when we were talking about things we have in common with this. we were already both in therapy for our own individual issues. we understand each other because we share similar traits. We reconciled after individual work and a humble and sincere approach on my part to make amends for anything hurtful or unhealthy that i had done in the relationship. i made this approach out of love for him and sincere regret for things i had not handled well. My partner and i are together because we mutually want to be. I do not involve myself in his personal processes at all. and he is not involved in mine. I was kidding about an avoidant being open to what you are attempting to do. I was also kidding about you tracking his progress, i think that would be very controlling and inappropriate. I'm sorry my sarcasm didn't go over well, i didn't intend to be mean i was just kind of surprised by your overtures toward him when he seems to want to be left alone (based on what you shared.) I know you feel you have nothing to lose, but that says nothing about him and his right to choose the time and. method of his healing, if he does, without your interference or agenda. I don't believe you are being appropriate to pursue this with him. Anyway, i'm sorry i couldn't offer any helpful information, and i will leave you to your decisions about this. Sarcasm is sometimes hard to catch through text, lol. I'm dumb. I made my mind earlier today, and I'm going to leave him alone. He's a busy person and doesn't need the extra stress/baggage right now, and if he ever does want to learn about himself, I guess he'll just have to figure things out on his own. |
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Post by gulrot on Apr 13, 2018 0:02:11 GMT
Yeah, I gotta agree. First off, you are not coming across as secure. For realz, it takes one to know one and I'm recognizing you pretty well. I recognize some AP manipulations in your initial post. Not judging, I work hard every day to keep my AP in check and it's a full time job for sure. I'm betting, if you're honest with yourself, you want to educate him on being DA so he will have a lightbulb moment, get some help with it and work things out with you. A secure person would walk away, just sayin. Believe that when we tell you, you will drive him further away. We're trying to help you. 2nd, avoidants are called that for a reason. If I went to my guy and told him about attachment theory and how I thought he was DA, he would be super sweet and nod. The convo would prob seam great(to an outsider, but I recognize the signs when he's uncomfortable now) but, he definitely wouldn't be calling me the next day. He would be very hurt, maybe angry, but he will avoid conflict at all costs with me, just me, anyone else he would be in their face. Work on yourself and why you feel the need to "save" him and we will support you 100%. 😊 Yeah, what you say makes sense. If he hasn't ever taken any time to self-reflect during his life, then he probably doesn't even want to learn about these things. |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 13, 2018 0:05:26 GMT
I’m wondering why you decided it was a smart idea to tell someone that you are with that it most likely will not work out in the long run? I mean if someone told me that I would probably back off too and cut the chord. That is a very hurtful thing to have someone tell you. Something to consider next time. Because I initially wanted to break up, as stated in the first post of this thread. He then came with a bunch of reasons why it could work out, and I thought maybe he was willing to try harder. That we would both try to meet halfway. I don't just say those things randomly to my partners, lol. Obviously. But It’s quite possible that you may have underestimated how things like that make a dramatic negative impact on the other person. You must choose words very wisely with your partners if they are not supportive or positive words. As others have said, it seems you are on the AP side. Sometimes AP people say things to get a “response” IE cry for attention. If you want to break up with someone, then break up. Give your reason and then end it. Don’t say “I think it may not work out.” Just my two cents, I’ve done this cry for help out of being unhappy too and it always has backfired. Anyway, enough tough love, I hope you can move on and find a more suitable partner. |
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Post by guest on Apr 13, 2018 4:30:45 GMT
Well I'll pipe up. For reasons other than wanting to get them back, I directed my lovely little "ex avoidant" to this forum. I just told them it gave me a better understanding of myself. If you don't necessarily want to win them back, how much harm can it do? What are they going to do, dump you even more. ;-P How did they react to this? Also, how do you know they're taking their time to read the information on the forum? You're right that I don't have much to lose, aside from losing a friend who's already distant. They came running through a field of daisies into my arms, and then we rode off into the sunset. :-) (pssst... that's sarcasm) Like I said I directed them here for reasons other than getting them back. Not my circus, not my monkey |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2018 13:13:10 GMT
How did they react to this? Also, how do you know they're taking their time to read the information on the forum? You're right that I don't have much to lose, aside from losing a friend who's already distant. They came running through a field of daisies into my arms, and then we rode off into the sunset. :-) (pssst... that's sarcasm) Like I said I directed them here for reasons other than getting them back. Not my circus, not my monkey 😂😂😂😂😂 i almost made a funny sarcastic response like this too hahaha! when an avoidant comes back it's more like an accident that you both awkwardly make the best of hahahah! and then ther you are, eating peanut butter and chocolate. and, not my circus, not my monkey is one of my favorite lines. this cracked me up this morning 😆 |
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