Post by anonymous10 on Oct 4, 2016 10:08:07 GMT
Hi Guys.
I am really confused - I am not sure if I am dealing with a fearful avoidant who also presents narcissistic traits? Is this possible? In brief, we both fell for each other immensely and I could genuinely tell I wasn't being manipulated. He truly adored me in ways he couldn't fake. Things moved quickly and intensely and he jumped for commitment, asking me to be his girlfriend. About 1 month in he did a back flip and avoided me for 3 days. I tried to give him space but eventually called him up on his behaviour and he denied that anything was wrong for a solid 20 minutes until finally confessing how 'overwhelmed' he felt but had great trouble articulating why. I thought everything was going great. He turned into someone very cold over the phone when I suggested breaking up but I could sense a huge relief from his end.
In the days leading up to our break up, he wasn't sleeping and wasn't coming to university. There was no doubt he was having floods of anxiety about our relationship. We had never had a fight, and 'seemed' to be on the same page. He introduced me to his family and wanted to spend all his time with me. After we broke up, he expressed sincere remorse. Kept telling me he couldn't articulate what happened but that he felt so overwhelmed and that he was so so sorry (he was trying not to cry). He also told me he had no idea this would happen and although it was cliche, it really was him and not me. We tried to remain friends, however he would make effort sometimes and be so sweet and sincere only to disappear on me or not follow through on plans. I'm unsure if a) this is because he was running into his defensive wall, i.e. wanting to be close to me but getting scared or b) enjoyed keeping me there by a string and once he got his fix from me he didn't feel the need to contact me until he needed his narcissistic supply again. The reason I feel it could be the latter is because his previous ex girlfriend before me (broken up now for almost two years) is someone who he speaks terribly about, yet you can tell he genuinely enjoys giving her little shreds of hope. She is the anxious type (saw his phone ring 5 times one saturday night and multiple messages) and he still sleeps with her knowing she is in love with him yet saying he has no emotions for her. He says she is crazy, etc etc and whilst she does genuinely seem to be a little nuts I feel that he turned her into that through his emotional abuse. I can honestly tell it gives him a self esteem boost.
Anyway, i feel that after we broke up, he tried to do the same to me. Not through sleeping with me as he knows I have WAY too much self respect for that, but rather, his vulnerability and apologises slowly wore off, and he either started acting (or perhaps became) very cool, calm and collected, like the sad guy I knew was no longer there. When I finally got sick of the push/pull cycle I removed him off all forms of social media with no warning. Instead of reacting in the way I thought (being legitimately and deeply saddened by this, which he may be and I just may not know about it because avoidant are good at hiding their feelings) he now says mean things about me behind my back and hasn't tried to contact me.
So I am not sure if him coming and going was fear-based after we broke up OR if it was to get some kind of fix (the same kind he gets from his ex girlfriend). Perhaps he goes back to the ex because it is easy and safe and he does have low self esteem, without him being a narcissist? Is it possible that he wants to be intimate with you but this makes him feel suffocated, SO, he tries to turn you into someone who is dependant on his attention so that he can come and go as he pleases, therefore controlling the level of intimacy?
It matter to me because I always had this idea that if he was a fearful avoidant like I originally thought, that deep deep down, no matter what he says to someone, when he thinks of me he will feel saddened. Now I think he could resent me for not giving him the attention he wants.. and it scares me.
Any insight would be appreciated
I am really confused - I am not sure if I am dealing with a fearful avoidant who also presents narcissistic traits? Is this possible? In brief, we both fell for each other immensely and I could genuinely tell I wasn't being manipulated. He truly adored me in ways he couldn't fake. Things moved quickly and intensely and he jumped for commitment, asking me to be his girlfriend. About 1 month in he did a back flip and avoided me for 3 days. I tried to give him space but eventually called him up on his behaviour and he denied that anything was wrong for a solid 20 minutes until finally confessing how 'overwhelmed' he felt but had great trouble articulating why. I thought everything was going great. He turned into someone very cold over the phone when I suggested breaking up but I could sense a huge relief from his end.
In the days leading up to our break up, he wasn't sleeping and wasn't coming to university. There was no doubt he was having floods of anxiety about our relationship. We had never had a fight, and 'seemed' to be on the same page. He introduced me to his family and wanted to spend all his time with me. After we broke up, he expressed sincere remorse. Kept telling me he couldn't articulate what happened but that he felt so overwhelmed and that he was so so sorry (he was trying not to cry). He also told me he had no idea this would happen and although it was cliche, it really was him and not me. We tried to remain friends, however he would make effort sometimes and be so sweet and sincere only to disappear on me or not follow through on plans. I'm unsure if a) this is because he was running into his defensive wall, i.e. wanting to be close to me but getting scared or b) enjoyed keeping me there by a string and once he got his fix from me he didn't feel the need to contact me until he needed his narcissistic supply again. The reason I feel it could be the latter is because his previous ex girlfriend before me (broken up now for almost two years) is someone who he speaks terribly about, yet you can tell he genuinely enjoys giving her little shreds of hope. She is the anxious type (saw his phone ring 5 times one saturday night and multiple messages) and he still sleeps with her knowing she is in love with him yet saying he has no emotions for her. He says she is crazy, etc etc and whilst she does genuinely seem to be a little nuts I feel that he turned her into that through his emotional abuse. I can honestly tell it gives him a self esteem boost.
Anyway, i feel that after we broke up, he tried to do the same to me. Not through sleeping with me as he knows I have WAY too much self respect for that, but rather, his vulnerability and apologises slowly wore off, and he either started acting (or perhaps became) very cool, calm and collected, like the sad guy I knew was no longer there. When I finally got sick of the push/pull cycle I removed him off all forms of social media with no warning. Instead of reacting in the way I thought (being legitimately and deeply saddened by this, which he may be and I just may not know about it because avoidant are good at hiding their feelings) he now says mean things about me behind my back and hasn't tried to contact me.
So I am not sure if him coming and going was fear-based after we broke up OR if it was to get some kind of fix (the same kind he gets from his ex girlfriend). Perhaps he goes back to the ex because it is easy and safe and he does have low self esteem, without him being a narcissist? Is it possible that he wants to be intimate with you but this makes him feel suffocated, SO, he tries to turn you into someone who is dependant on his attention so that he can come and go as he pleases, therefore controlling the level of intimacy?
It matter to me because I always had this idea that if he was a fearful avoidant like I originally thought, that deep deep down, no matter what he says to someone, when he thinks of me he will feel saddened. Now I think he could resent me for not giving him the attention he wants.. and it scares me.
Any insight would be appreciated