Post by hopingtobeaformerda on Apr 13, 2018 14:07:03 GMT
I've recently come to discover that I'm a DA. I'm starting to do some of the work - like trying to figure out where all of these feelings come from - and I'm having a difficult time with something right now.
I've realized through some of this work that I dislike intimate relationships. I didn't ACTIVELY dislike them, but when previous partners started to get too close, I'd shut down. I don't share my thoughts and feelings with partners and I keep secrets. Nothing huge (or at least, nothing I've been able to identify yet!), but things like how I'm really feeling, what I'm thinking, or something that my partner has done that's hurt me are usually what I keep to myself. I'm in a new relationship (just over 6 months) and I've been SUPER aware of communicating these things. I haven't been perfect at it, but I have to admit that I'm doing really well! My struggle right now is that he's an anxious-preoccupied. We broke up a few weeks ago because he was jealous of the attention my kids (14 and 4) got, jealous of the fact that my ex-husband and I still have a good relationship (I'm NOT at all interested in rekindling things, but I want to have a good relationship with him for the sake of our kids), and threatened on 2 different occasions to be verbally and emotionally abusive ("if you don't respond the way I want you to, I'm going to call you every f*&king name in the book"). He didn't want me spending any time at all with my friends, and would become insanely jealous when I told him that I was going to hang out with them (we were seeing one another 7 days a week - he would frequently come to the house and make meals and stay until the kids went to bed). I was very honest with him when I felt that I needed time to be alone (I told him that twice), but was willing to put his needs and comfort ahead of my own because I was aware that I needed to do that in order to break out of the pattern I'd developed. I was honest with him all along in who I was spending time with, the communication I had with my ex, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and where I was hoping the relationship would go. I also told him my concerns about the relationship we had (mainly the jealousy about my kids and the threats of abuse as I've been in abusive relationships before), so that when we finally broke up he wasn't blind sided.
When we got back together, it was he who suggested that we had to have some boundaries in place. I was honest in my communication of those boundaries. We agreed to date, and to see one another twice per week for date nights. I was honest with him when I told him that my trust in him was shaken, and that I was concerned about what I was modelling for my kids. 2 weeks into this, he's saying that I'm distant because we don't see one another every day. Whenever we get together for date nights, he's telling me how miserable he is, and he only wants to talk about the relationship and where I think it's going. I'm struggling with this because I DO feel the distance, and I don't KNOW where it's heading. But I don't know if it's because a) I'm not sure if I really want this relationship, or b) because he hurt me and this is the way I know how to respond. Can anyone shed some insight or help me work through this?
I've realized through some of this work that I dislike intimate relationships. I didn't ACTIVELY dislike them, but when previous partners started to get too close, I'd shut down. I don't share my thoughts and feelings with partners and I keep secrets. Nothing huge (or at least, nothing I've been able to identify yet!), but things like how I'm really feeling, what I'm thinking, or something that my partner has done that's hurt me are usually what I keep to myself. I'm in a new relationship (just over 6 months) and I've been SUPER aware of communicating these things. I haven't been perfect at it, but I have to admit that I'm doing really well! My struggle right now is that he's an anxious-preoccupied. We broke up a few weeks ago because he was jealous of the attention my kids (14 and 4) got, jealous of the fact that my ex-husband and I still have a good relationship (I'm NOT at all interested in rekindling things, but I want to have a good relationship with him for the sake of our kids), and threatened on 2 different occasions to be verbally and emotionally abusive ("if you don't respond the way I want you to, I'm going to call you every f*&king name in the book"). He didn't want me spending any time at all with my friends, and would become insanely jealous when I told him that I was going to hang out with them (we were seeing one another 7 days a week - he would frequently come to the house and make meals and stay until the kids went to bed). I was very honest with him when I felt that I needed time to be alone (I told him that twice), but was willing to put his needs and comfort ahead of my own because I was aware that I needed to do that in order to break out of the pattern I'd developed. I was honest with him all along in who I was spending time with, the communication I had with my ex, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and where I was hoping the relationship would go. I also told him my concerns about the relationship we had (mainly the jealousy about my kids and the threats of abuse as I've been in abusive relationships before), so that when we finally broke up he wasn't blind sided.
When we got back together, it was he who suggested that we had to have some boundaries in place. I was honest in my communication of those boundaries. We agreed to date, and to see one another twice per week for date nights. I was honest with him when I told him that my trust in him was shaken, and that I was concerned about what I was modelling for my kids. 2 weeks into this, he's saying that I'm distant because we don't see one another every day. Whenever we get together for date nights, he's telling me how miserable he is, and he only wants to talk about the relationship and where I think it's going. I'm struggling with this because I DO feel the distance, and I don't KNOW where it's heading. But I don't know if it's because a) I'm not sure if I really want this relationship, or b) because he hurt me and this is the way I know how to respond. Can anyone shed some insight or help me work through this?
