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Post by APocalyptic on Apr 14, 2018 9:36:04 GMT
Hi, folks! New member here.
I decided to subscribe and share my story in order to manage to stay sane.
I am a 32-year-old homosexual Christian Anxious-Preoccupiedly attached man. For 13 years I have been a friend with a now 29-year-old heterosexual Christian Dismissive-Avoidantly attached man. About 10 years ago he left the city but he returned in 2014 and since he have developed a deep friendship. He is still out of the city intermittently for about 5-6 months a year, but we have shared the deepest of ourselves with each other and this created a sense of buddyship. Unfortunately, our friendship is undermined not only by his working schedule but also by our attachment dynamics.
Over the years, I have suffered a lot from his superficial coolness, his refusal to express his feelings towards me, his constant lack of intimacy interrupted by sparse surprises of genuine affection. He have talked about it dozens of times at no avail. Finally, I got tired of his whims and came to understand that I don't have to always blame myself for all this. He even came to a point where he says "come along" and in 5 minutes he leaves with a girl whom he knew he would be there. And this is not an isolated incident. With all this suffering, I have started switching off; I don't call him, I don't text him, I'm just waiting for him to call the shots. After all, this is what an avoidant is supposed to do. But then he calls our common friends and asks how I am doing and why I don't call him. Yes, that clumsy!
Now, I think that when I tested him for attachment style, he got a DA score in general attachment but for our friendship he scored secure, which is weird. Please, tell me, is this a secure kind of friendship?
What would you advise me to do? I don't want to move apart, I just want to move on with my life without being dependent on him, because it seems that after all he won't bother to take care of me. He can be a friend but he can't be my best friend. Does this mean that I am developing a more avoidant attachment towards him? Or should I behave differently?
Thanks for your inspiration.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 14, 2018 12:46:58 GMT
Hi, folks! New member here. I decided to subscribe and share my story in order to manage to stay sane. I am a 32-year-old homosexual Christian Anxious-Preoccupiedly attached man. For 13 years I have been a friend with a now 29-year-old heterosexual Christian Dismissive-Avoidantly attached man. About 10 years ago he left the city but he returned in 2014 and since he have developed a deep friendship. He is still out of the city intermittently for about 5-6 months a year, but we have shared the deepest of ourselves with each other and this created a sense of buddyship. Unfortunately, our friendship is undermined not only by his working schedule but also by our attachment dynamics. Over the years, I have suffered a lot from his superficial coolness, his refusal to express his feelings towards me, his constant lack of intimacy interrupted by sparse surprises of genuine affection. He have talked about it dozens of times at no avail. Finally, I got tired of his whims and came to understand that I don't have to always blame myself for all this. He even came to a point where he says "come along" and in 5 minutes he leaves with a girl whom he knew he would be there. And this is not an isolated incident. With all this suffering, I have started switching off; I don't call him, I don't text him, I'm just waiting for him to call the shots. After all, this is what an avoidant is supposed to do. But then he calls our common friends and asks how I am doing and why I don't call him. Yes, that clumsy! Now, I think that when I tested him for attachment style, he got a DA score in general attachment but for our friendship he scored secure, which is weird. Please, tell me, is this a secure kind of friendship? What would you advise me to do? I don't want to move apart, I just want to move on with my life without being dependent on him, because it seems that after all he won't bother to take care of me. He can be a friend but he can't be my best friend. Does this mean that I am developing a more avoidant attachment towards him? Or should I behave differently? Thanks for your inspiration. Welcome to the boards. No one is one single "type"...everyone has the capacity to be AP, DA, FA or secure depending on the other person's attachment style and the depth of the relationship. 13 years is a long time to have a friendship thst keeps triggering you. It does sound like, for you and your needs, this friendship is not working. Instead of treating him "counter" (as in not responding etc) to try to get a different reaction (because it is obvious you are doing that because you feel angry and hurt), I would honestly take a "break" from your friendship so that you can stop making the focus about him and return the focus back to you. As much as you have portrayed yourself as the victim to his behavior, you also state that you blame yourself. Was there a relationship in your childhood where you also took the blame? Perhaps one of your parents? The reason I am moving forward with this line of questions is that being AP means somewhere you did not get what you needed and so you are looking for that from another person. Address that wound within yourself....and you will become a much more secure person...and your friend's behavior won't swirl you as deeply. Good luck. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 14, 2018 23:35:38 GMT
I do wonder sometimes if these things get more complicated for those of us with same-sex attractions-- maybe for people more on the GLBT spectrum these dynamics maybe are more likely for our same-sex friendships even if there isn't a physical romance.
You feel what you feel. He gives what he gives. You could try to discuss it with him. You could try to detach. You could continue on as you are now and suffer. I'm not sure there is a correct answer here, but it sounds like you don't want to continue and suffer. Are you at a place in the friendship where it can be discussed in some fruitful way?
I also wonder if this friend of yours is really heterosexual, but that's probably a minefield you don't want to go down.
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Post by APocalyptic on Apr 15, 2018 21:33:16 GMT
Thank you all for your advice. Presently, I don't feel like closing every channel of communication with him. After all, our social life is partly interwoven, we have good common friends and we meet in the church. I have decided though to stop idolizing our friendship and start treating him just like one of my other friends, whom I occasionally meet. It's been lot of pain and I can't just go on with this kind of mindset. I will stop having demands and expectations of him and just go on my life with my good other friends, whom I actually meet more often. I hope that soon I can reclaim my life.
P.s. He is heterosexual. He's got relationships with girls. But he has been very supportive of me and this has led me to depend on him for encouragement. But seldom ever have I felt sexually attractes to him.
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Post by APocalyptic on Apr 15, 2018 22:11:08 GMT
I do wonder sometimes if these things get more complicated for those of us with same-sex attractions-- maybe for people more on the GLBT spectrum these dynamics maybe are more likely for our same-sex friendships even if there isn't a physical romance. Yes, I feel that things are more complicated for homosexual people, at least for those celibate like myself. A recent survey found that in the celibate gay Christian population, those with anxious-proccupied attachment style reach up to 48%, more than twice as much as in the general population. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 17, 2018 2:49:29 GMT
I do wonder sometimes if these things get more complicated for those of us with same-sex attractions-- maybe for people more on the GLBT spectrum these dynamics maybe are more likely for our same-sex friendships even if there isn't a physical romance. Yes, I feel that things are more complicated for homosexual people, at least for those celibate like myself. A recent survey found that in the celibate gay Christian population, those with anxious-proccupied attachment style reach up to 48%, more than twice as much as in the general population. Have you taken the life model classes? I think Restarting and Belonging would be great classes if you can find them. They both go into attachment pain from a Christian perspective. I am in belonging right now and it is so good.  |
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Post by APocalyptic on Apr 20, 2018 10:52:29 GMT
Thank you, tnr9. What are those classes?
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 20, 2018 11:04:03 GMT
Thank you, tnr9. What are those classes? See if if there are any classes near you. I have found them to be absolutely transformative. |
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