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Post by kerry57 on Apr 14, 2018 18:12:43 GMT
Hi everyone, my avoidant bf recently broke up with me and I can’t let go the feeling that I want to work it out with him. I know now that he is an avoidant and part of me feel like I could work with that, but I’m afraid that’s wishful thinking. I’m and anxious attacher and have been working on this in therapy.
Has anyone been able to learn to managw the triggers of their avoidant partner, knowing and allowing for the attributes of anxious and avoidants? I desperately want this to work, but I find it so difficult to give him the space he needs.
Any advice that might help with the relationship would be greatly appreciated. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 14, 2018 19:17:10 GMT
Hi everyone, my avoidant bf recently broke up with me and I can’t let go the feeling that I want to work it out with him. I know now that he is an avoidant and part of me feel like I could work with that, but I’m afraid that’s wishful thinking. I’m and anxious attacher and have been working on this in therapy. Has anyone been able to learn to managw the triggers of their avoidant partner, knowing and allowing for the attributes of anxious and avoidants? I desperately want this to work, but I find it so difficult to give him the space he needs. Any advice that might help with the relationship would be greatly appreciated. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. HI Kerry...welcome.....oh, I know that ever so hopefu "now that I know I can handle things differently" view. I have had that as well with the guy I dated who broke up with me. If it is not too painful...can you share what he said was the reason for the break up? I know it is very easy to focus on "him" and how you could accommodate him better....but what I would like to know, is what you are looking for in a partner. I know that I can get sooo super focused on the "winning him back" bit, that I can push aside whether he is able to meet my needs.....meeting his needs in the hope that he will turn around and be just so thankful that he will now magically want to meet yours can become a very slippery slope. The only way that I have been able to work on my triggers is to first understand where they started. I had to explore why silence, separation, text response time and distancing all activated my attachment pain that sent alarm bells off. For me, the worse stress I felt, the greater I felt the desire for him...don't know if that was the same for you, but it is worth exploring. Since you found your way to these boards...I would highly recommend reading back over the AP sections and seeing if you relate to anyone else. I want you to know that you are not alone and there is nothing "wrong" with you. I am sending you a cyber hug. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2018 21:02:47 GMT
hi kerry57unfortunately, as much as it hurts, it's a good idea to honor his decision in the breakup and focus on your own recovery. especially in recent breakups, time is needed to settle and give each partner to come to their own acceptance of things. but it's a good time to practice dealing with feelings without looking to someone else (him) to rectify them. who knows if he will ever be inclined to give it another shot- but certainly while things are fresh in recovery for you, your focus should be on gaining some new habits. he may or may not be doing the same, impossible to tell. i'm sorry , breakups can be very painful. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 14, 2018 23:21:59 GMT
My sense is that for such a relationship to work, both people have to be able to clearly articulate their emotional needs and be willing to help meet the other's needs even if it is not their default or most natural way of doing things. For example, if you would need him to be able to say "I need some time to myself, I'll text you Tuesday" instead of his just playing silent-vanisher, then he would need to be able to say that and then actually text you Tuesday. And vice-versa with what he needs. But I think in these cases it's hard for both to be able to identify and articulate those needs, respect the other's needs, and then actually meet them.
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Post by kerry57 on Apr 21, 2018 14:24:22 GMT
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My ex ended it after I had asked him to come over because we both had the next day off, and he said he was too tired. This was following a month of what I now know is the classic push-pull, so I was super triggered to start with. I tried to explain to him that it was important to me for him to come over and nothing I said would convince him. It then became a matter of ‘is there anything I can say to him that would convince him to come over and unbeknownly to me at the time, I was so triggered, I couldn’t let it go and I couldn’t stop pushing. The next day he left his phone home deliberately and I went out of my mind, and literally texted him about 30 times because I needed to talk to him. When he finally got home he basically said ‘this is too much’ and ended via text and wouldn’t answer his phone. He can’t deal with emotion at all and I did everything to trigger him right back. Now that I know that I am kicking myself. Logic tells me this is not sensible, but I am so hurt and upset and I miss him so much it’s killing me. I just want this pain to end and being with him is the only thing that will fix that right now. He’s be radio silent pretty much since it happened and I’m hoping with time this will ease, but now, I’m this moment, I’ve never been this heartbroken.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 21, 2018 20:15:53 GMT
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My ex ended it after I had asked him to come over because we both had the next day off, and he said he was too tired. This was following a month of what I now know is the classic push-pull, so I was super triggered to start with. I tried to explain to him that it was important to me for him to come over and nothing I said would convince him. It then became a matter of ‘is there anything I can say to him that would convince him to come over and unbeknownly to me at the time, I was so triggered, I couldn’t let it go and I couldn’t stop pushing. The next day he left his phone home deliberately and I went out of my mind, and literally texted him about 30 times because I needed to talk to him. When he finally got home he basically said ‘this is too much’ and ended via text and wouldn’t answer his phone. He can’t deal with emotion at all and I did everything to trigger him right back. Now that I know that I am kicking myself. Logic tells me this is not sensible, but I am so hurt and upset and I miss him so much it’s killing me. I just want this pain to end and being with him is the only thing that will fix that right now. He’s be radio silent pretty much since it happened and I’m hoping with time this will ease, but now, I’m this moment, I’ve never been this heartbroken. I think one of the worst aspects of AP, is that we can distrust someone's motive.....case in point, what if it was just a case that he was tired as opposed to not wanting to see you? What if in the process of trying to convince him that you needed him to come over, he felt "smothered" because of his own attachment issues and reacted in the way he did because now he was triggered and his way of dealing with it is to distance? I know it feels unbearable...I know it feels like he is the answer, he is your fix....but if he cannot deal with your emotions, then is he really a good match? I know your attachment pain says yes...but looking at the whole range of who you are.... do you think he could ever fully accept you or would you be walking on eggshells while hoping he would change. I know these are not fun things to consider while you are swirling in..I want him back....but at some point, these are questions that are worth exploring. I am sending you cyber hugs. |
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Post by DearLover on Apr 22, 2018 1:49:50 GMT
The word 'desperate' rang loud bells in my years. If this is your feeling when thinking about this relationship...well is it really what you want for your life and your future? If it started like this do you believe it can really change? You can change and control yourself only but not the other.
The more I watch my secure attached couple friends the more I learn. Believe me, desperate was never part of their emotional vocabulary during the entire relationship.
"I just want this pain to end and being with him is the only thing that will fix that right now" please check "Women who love too much" and research love addiction if haven't already done so. It helped me tremendously and kicked off the beginning of my healing. In fact I started learning about it before my break up and I know it gave me strength to end a toxic pattern and grace to do it without much drama and zero anger.
Good luck.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 22, 2018 19:14:32 GMT
Hello, I too have felt the same amount of anxiety and feelings that you have because of my DA partner matched with my AP self. I too have also played the make up and get back together game. I found that although learning this stuff helps navigate the relationship better it does not take away the anxiety that you feel with him. So basically when you get back together the behavior is the same but are able to say “he’ll probably call me next week cause he’s triggered right now so I won’t text him until he reaches out.” But that whole week you will be feeling like you do now just not as intense. To calm your anxiety look up “Paul McKenna havening” on YouTube and do it, it works!
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Post by Cristalrvt on Apr 23, 2018 18:25:03 GMT
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My ex ended it after I had asked him to come over because we both had the next day off, and he said he was too tired. This was following a month of what I now know is the classic push-pull, so I was super triggered to start with. I tried to explain to him that it was important to me for him to come over and nothing I said would convince him. It then became a matter of ‘is there anything I can say to him that would convince him to come over and unbeknownly to me at the time, I was so triggered, I couldn’t let it go and I couldn’t stop pushing. The next day he left his phone home deliberately and I went out of my mind, and literally texted him about 30 times because I needed to talk to him. When he finally got home he basically said ‘this is too much’ and ended via text and wouldn’t answer his phone. He can’t deal with emotion at all and I did everything to trigger him right back. Now that I know that I am kicking myself. Logic tells me this is not sensible, but I am so hurt and upset and I miss him so much it’s killing me. I just want this pain to end and being with him is the only thing that will fix that right now. He’s be radio silent pretty much since it happened and I’m hoping with time this will ease, but now, I’m this moment, I’ve never been this heartbroken. Im so sorry! I would be devistated too and i also have this issue with being triggered especially when I feel i have been reaonable with alowing what time should be between us. The feeling of being pushed away is harrible |
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