Post by henrietta777 on Oct 5, 2016 11:33:41 GMT
Hi all, I'm new to this forum but have struggled with attachment issues for years and believe it's at the bottom of most of my relationship issues.
I've recently gone through a break up with a guy who I feel may well have been an avoidant. Unfortunately, he was so pressurising and pushy in the beginning of the relationship, and equally extremely caring and apparently super-keen on my 'ability to talk about my emotions and bring things up', that I've begun to wonder whether it's been largely my doing in the relationship unravelling.
I am an absolute classic anxiously-attached woman - 32 - have certainly been in love and in long term relationships. I struggle hugely when relationships end and invariably am not the one to pursue but am always the one who gets rejected/dumped. I'm trying to figure out whether this is my behaviour or whether I'm constantly attracting men who have an avoidant style.
With my recent ex, we were only together for about 4 months, but it was very intense and as I mentioned, I felt he was extremely pushy at the beginning, wanting to text all day, constantly wanting to see me to the point where it felt he wouldn't take NO for an answer. I inevitably gave in, being a people pleaser and also falling foul of the constant flattery and overblown comments.
My ex said on our first date that he had been in some long term relationships, but had never been in love and that his relationships had always been 'superficial', hence why he 'loved' my ability to talk about things, namely emotions and feelings. He was almost over the top in how caring he was and how keen he was to show his support continuously, but early on I remember expressing my concerns that somehow, I felt disconnected. When we would go out for lunch (we worked together), I didn't feel like he was listening, or that he was present - always somehow 'up in the air'. I noticed quite a lot that he would walk strides ahead of me when we parked somewhere, or didn't wait for me, which naturally made me, the anxious type, feel unloved.
Sexually, he was extremely passionate and seemed almost overwhelmed by our 'connectedness'. Again, comparing me to exes, saying he'd never slept in such an intertwined way before. He talked of children and marriage in the summer when we went on holiday camping for three weeks. Said he'd never imagined it with anyone before. Unfortunately, potentially due to trust issues from past difficult and abusive relationships, I was becoming increasingly jealous about other women. He reassured me regularly, but I still felt something was weird - I didn't trust it. I had problems with the fact he had remained friends with his recent ex, and even booked a holiday with her and his mum, post break-up, which I found incredibly strange - particularly given he'd said their relationship was 'superficial'.
Eventually, things got really bad because I was about to leave my job, which was causing me incredible stress and I was drinking to get through the feelings of anxiety. After the summer, he returned to our city a little earlier than I did, and I noticed immediately a shift in his behaviour. From texting all day, from really early on, he started to withdraw and not respond for a few hours. Again, this made my attachment issues flair up. I tried to discuss this with him but probably not productively - however, I did at least bring it up. He started to want to see friends more when I really felt the need for his support during a difficult time. The last 'positive' interaction we had before things derailed was at his house when I was reading in his bed quietly and he was in the other room doing some work. When he came into the bedroom, he looked at me with love for the first real time; you know when you 'see' it in their eyes, finally. He had never told me he loved me, despite all the many suggestions about a future, moving abroad together, children etc. The day after this happened, things changed completely.
My behaviour is not excusable in this situation - drinking exacerbated my attachment issues as he started to pull away and I lashed out with behaviours typical of the anxiously attached ('acting out', angry outbursts etc); he said he was 'too tired' to see me, but was meanwhile seeing friends. Eventually said he needed space….I couldn't deal with it, particularly given the circumstances of leaving my job and feeling very nervous about my overall future. I'm sure you can imagine the rest - things just, in his words,' rapidly spiralled'. He never wanted to discuss this with me and when I asked, he clearly found it difficult and uncomfortable. He didn't seem to show much emotion. Since, he has been heavily involved in work and seeing friends far more than ever before. In one conversation, when I said 'of course I thought you really felt the way you did because of the things you said', he said 'I don't feel things deeply like you - I don't know if I felt the things I was saying'.
Naturally, I'm gutted. I've moved out of the city, away from my job because of this. He said 'I don't know why you needed to do that - I'm happy to be friendly'. To me, that would seem an impossibility when there's clear attraction and when I had strong feelings for him.
I'm beating myself up constantly about how this quick turn around happened. I can understand that 'acting out' behaviour and saying nasty things can change things, but it was largely circumstantial, and didn't begin to happen until I felt him putting distance between us - though I'm not excusing my behaviour.
If anyone could shed any light, or offer any thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. I'm going round and round in my mind as I'm sure the anxiously attached amongst you can fully understand.
Thanks
Henrietta
I've recently gone through a break up with a guy who I feel may well have been an avoidant. Unfortunately, he was so pressurising and pushy in the beginning of the relationship, and equally extremely caring and apparently super-keen on my 'ability to talk about my emotions and bring things up', that I've begun to wonder whether it's been largely my doing in the relationship unravelling.
I am an absolute classic anxiously-attached woman - 32 - have certainly been in love and in long term relationships. I struggle hugely when relationships end and invariably am not the one to pursue but am always the one who gets rejected/dumped. I'm trying to figure out whether this is my behaviour or whether I'm constantly attracting men who have an avoidant style.
With my recent ex, we were only together for about 4 months, but it was very intense and as I mentioned, I felt he was extremely pushy at the beginning, wanting to text all day, constantly wanting to see me to the point where it felt he wouldn't take NO for an answer. I inevitably gave in, being a people pleaser and also falling foul of the constant flattery and overblown comments.
My ex said on our first date that he had been in some long term relationships, but had never been in love and that his relationships had always been 'superficial', hence why he 'loved' my ability to talk about things, namely emotions and feelings. He was almost over the top in how caring he was and how keen he was to show his support continuously, but early on I remember expressing my concerns that somehow, I felt disconnected. When we would go out for lunch (we worked together), I didn't feel like he was listening, or that he was present - always somehow 'up in the air'. I noticed quite a lot that he would walk strides ahead of me when we parked somewhere, or didn't wait for me, which naturally made me, the anxious type, feel unloved.
Sexually, he was extremely passionate and seemed almost overwhelmed by our 'connectedness'. Again, comparing me to exes, saying he'd never slept in such an intertwined way before. He talked of children and marriage in the summer when we went on holiday camping for three weeks. Said he'd never imagined it with anyone before. Unfortunately, potentially due to trust issues from past difficult and abusive relationships, I was becoming increasingly jealous about other women. He reassured me regularly, but I still felt something was weird - I didn't trust it. I had problems with the fact he had remained friends with his recent ex, and even booked a holiday with her and his mum, post break-up, which I found incredibly strange - particularly given he'd said their relationship was 'superficial'.
Eventually, things got really bad because I was about to leave my job, which was causing me incredible stress and I was drinking to get through the feelings of anxiety. After the summer, he returned to our city a little earlier than I did, and I noticed immediately a shift in his behaviour. From texting all day, from really early on, he started to withdraw and not respond for a few hours. Again, this made my attachment issues flair up. I tried to discuss this with him but probably not productively - however, I did at least bring it up. He started to want to see friends more when I really felt the need for his support during a difficult time. The last 'positive' interaction we had before things derailed was at his house when I was reading in his bed quietly and he was in the other room doing some work. When he came into the bedroom, he looked at me with love for the first real time; you know when you 'see' it in their eyes, finally. He had never told me he loved me, despite all the many suggestions about a future, moving abroad together, children etc. The day after this happened, things changed completely.
My behaviour is not excusable in this situation - drinking exacerbated my attachment issues as he started to pull away and I lashed out with behaviours typical of the anxiously attached ('acting out', angry outbursts etc); he said he was 'too tired' to see me, but was meanwhile seeing friends. Eventually said he needed space….I couldn't deal with it, particularly given the circumstances of leaving my job and feeling very nervous about my overall future. I'm sure you can imagine the rest - things just, in his words,' rapidly spiralled'. He never wanted to discuss this with me and when I asked, he clearly found it difficult and uncomfortable. He didn't seem to show much emotion. Since, he has been heavily involved in work and seeing friends far more than ever before. In one conversation, when I said 'of course I thought you really felt the way you did because of the things you said', he said 'I don't feel things deeply like you - I don't know if I felt the things I was saying'.
Naturally, I'm gutted. I've moved out of the city, away from my job because of this. He said 'I don't know why you needed to do that - I'm happy to be friendly'. To me, that would seem an impossibility when there's clear attraction and when I had strong feelings for him.
I'm beating myself up constantly about how this quick turn around happened. I can understand that 'acting out' behaviour and saying nasty things can change things, but it was largely circumstantial, and didn't begin to happen until I felt him putting distance between us - though I'm not excusing my behaviour.
If anyone could shed any light, or offer any thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. I'm going round and round in my mind as I'm sure the anxiously attached amongst you can fully understand.
Thanks
Henrietta