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Post by scheme00 on Apr 24, 2018 5:33:02 GMT
Please post videos here if you find them of (unaware) avoidant attached individuals. Listening to them has helped me understand how they feel a little bit more and has helped me with my own closure and accepting that I can not change someone (AP here) and that I should not take it so personal. It has helped me have a little more compassion for understanding the other half. These are random interviews I heard and their attachment style was obvious to me. Its sad that they are unaware of what makes them feel like they are not good in relationship.
(SKIP TO 1:20)
(SKIP TO MINUTE 7:45)
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Post by mrob on Apr 24, 2018 8:43:54 GMT
Gee, that’s a bit extreme, although I identify...
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Post by yasmin on Apr 24, 2018 10:13:00 GMT
That's funny.
I identify with the first guy a lot!!!
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fara
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Post by fara on Apr 24, 2018 18:03:55 GMT
thank you for posting! the first video is exactly my ex. i even looked in the comments and saw how many people say they identify. it brings a new light to this for me because it helps me realize that the way my ex acted isn't so rare after all.
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 25, 2018 1:08:22 GMT
Well in terms of Dude #1, couldn't he find someone who also just wants to spend Friday night writing/etc. Or maybe someone who never wants to live together, or is okay with one date a week. As long as they agree on how things will be. Or does he just never want to have to think about how another person feels?
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 25, 2018 2:15:06 GMT
Well in terms of Dude #1, couldn't he find someone who also just wants to spend Friday night writing/etc. Or maybe someone who never wants to live together, or is okay with one date a week. As long as they agree on how things will be. Or does he just never want to have to think about how another person feels? I think the whole point of this that I was finally able to understand is that he has no NEED for wanting any of those things so why should he try and make it so he wants to want them? He is perfectly happy the way that he is. Maybe deep down he craves something but he seems perfectly content without a partner. Secure and AP folks have a desire to have those things. DA does not. We get focused on trying to get them to WANT an intimate connection but why try to make someone want something they don’t? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2018 7:27:04 GMT
Well in terms of Dude #1, couldn't he find someone who also just wants to spend Friday night writing/etc. Or maybe someone who never wants to live together, or is okay with one date a week. As long as they agree on how things will be. Or does he just never want to have to think about how another person feels? I think the whole point of this that I was finally able to understand is that he has no NEED for wanting any of those things so why should he try and make it so he wants to want them? Because those things are not love, nor partnership. Those things are what CERTAIN people EXPECT in CERTAIN relationships. As FA I also could not stand a relationship like that too, it doesn't mean love and being loved is not beneficial for me or that it's not possible. As compassionateavoid said, it comes down to finding a person who has the same needs or is ready to meet your needs. The problem is, they don't communicate their needs, and confuse relationships with love. The second guy, he seems to bullshit a lot to himself and others. He wants it all but takes responsibility for nothing. More likely a Narc who is looking for a supply and who will gaslight, belittle, rage at you when you dare to breath 'his' air. |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 25, 2018 8:13:52 GMT
I think the whole point of this that I was finally able to understand is that he has no NEED for wanting any of those things so why should he try and make it so he wants to want them? Because those things are not love, nor partnership. Those things are what CERTAIN people EXPECT in CERTAIN relationships. As FA I also could not stand a relationship like that too, it doesn't mean love and being loved is not beneficial for me or that it's not possible. As compassionateavoid said, it comes down to finding a person who has the same needs or is ready to meet your needs. The problem is, they don't communicate their needs, and confuse relationships with love. The second guy, he seems to bullshit a lot to himself and others. He wants it all but takes responsibility for nothing. More likely a Narc who is looking for a supply and who will gaslight, belittle, rage at you when you dare to breath 'his' air. I agree with everything you point out. Perhaps I am bad at seeing Narcs, something about him made me really dislike him. I felt compassion for guy 1 but the second one really gets under my skin because he has no regard for anyone else and what they may feel. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 8:16:14 GMT
Henry Rollins, the first guy is a famous musician and passionate about his work. He is probably also dismissive avoidant, and there is likely an interaction between the amount of energy he enjoys putting into his work and the lack of desire for a typical relationship.
Then there is the lack of understanding in society for nontypical relationships. People do not exactly come to you door saying "Hey, we both like these records, how about I come over every saturday so we can listen to music and order some lunch?" Some that do want a part time relationship also want to cheat. So it takes effort to find someone compatible and that effort is better spent on writing songs if that is your passion.
As christie said, the 2nd guy is a jerk or worse.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 25, 2018 8:31:26 GMT
Henry Rollins, the first guy is a famous musician and passionate about his work. He is probably also dismissive avoidant, and there is likely an interaction between the amount of energy he enjoys putting into his work and the lack of desire for a typical relationship. Then there is the lack of understanding in society for nontypical relationships. People do not exactly come to you door saying "Hey, we both like these records, how about I come over every saturday so we can listen to music and order some lunch?" Some that do want a part time relationship also want to cheat. So it takes effort to find someone compatible and that effort is better spent on writing songs if that is your passion. As christie said, the 2nd guy is a jerk or worse. Do you think the second is avoidant? He makes a lot of points about being friends with benefits that can go out to dinner and have sex but will not want any obligations of a relationship. He used the word “companion “ to describe what he wanted which I have heard Mary use before as what a DA seeks. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 8:39:56 GMT
I don't think there is any reason to believe he is DA.
There are lots of people out there who have casual sex. It is not exclusive to DA nor do all DA have casual sex.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2018 11:26:07 GMT
People are not just their attachment styles...who knows if anything else is going on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2018 12:00:17 GMT
I'm really grateful for you posting this... it makes you realise as an activated AP just how truly impersonal it is, that the DA really is not making excuses because they don't want you - they just don't want the same thing that we do.
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Post by annieb on Apr 25, 2018 22:40:24 GMT
I am getting a closet homosexual vibe from both of these guys. Just stating my opinion, I am apologizing ahead of time if this offends.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2018 23:26:06 GMT
I am getting a closet homosexual vibe from both of these guys. Just stating my opinion, I am apologizing ahead of time if this offends. I'm curious - in what way do you feel that is relevant to mention in terms of attachment theory? |
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