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Post by mads on Oct 10, 2016 7:14:24 GMT
Over time after a breakup are dismissive avoidants ever thinking about their ex partners who they once looked at negatively in a more positive light? thank you  |
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Oct 11, 2016 18:59:51 GMT
It can probably happen. They can become more self-aware, or their judgement can improve when they stop feeling smothered by the relationship. But I guess that most of the time, they just think they dumped you because you had too many flaws.
They can also make you their "phantom ex", an ex that they suddenly see as great. When they do that, they are just using you to devalue their current partner.
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Post by Mary on Oct 13, 2016 14:13:42 GMT
For me, sometimes yes and sometimes no. In the past, I have dated some extremely anxious people and even after the breakup they continue to contact me, some to the point of stalking. In those cases, my reason for breaking up is just reinforced.
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Post by KL on Oct 14, 2016 20:42:53 GMT
I actually wrote to a few self-professed avoidants online because I needed closure from my avoidant ex's sudden withdrawal when I asked him if I could see him twice a week instead of once, after 7 mos. together. Prior to this we never fought, and all the descriptions online of them make them seem so antisocial and unfeeling.
All three responded that yes, they absolutely do feel love, sometimes too much and this terrifies them, they get overwhelmed, need space, etc.
Also, they said later, they do have guilt over their actions, so they are not as unfeeling as literature makes them out to be. This helped me, because I knew he couldn't have faked everything for seven mos., where he initiated all phone calls, texts, dates, etc. Just thought this may help someone else as well, to know you weren't totally imagining a good relationship.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 15, 2016 0:01:24 GMT
KL,
Thank you for your post. I also had an ex withdraw suddenly, after he felt "exhausted" and overwhelmed with seeing me too often (despite never communicating that it was too much). Sometimes I wonder if I'd seen him less, like once or twice a week, if our relationship would have lasted..... But deep down, I know that maybe it would've lasted longer, but would ultimately end anyway, due to his attachment issues (and apparent inability to communicate).
You're right that the consensus out there seems to imply that avoidants are cold-hearted with no feelings. My ex was happy with me for month, initiated contact just like your ex did with you. Seems like in your situation and mine, we were going along totally happy and then got blindsided. It does make me feel better to know that the relationship wasn't just 'good' in my head...that it was real. Thanks again for sharing.
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