fara
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Post by fara on Apr 24, 2018 18:51:49 GMT
i have been wondering about this for awhile now. my ex boyfriend is avoidant and there is a memory i have of him that i think i am just now figuring out why he acted a certain way.
when we first started dating, we took a kayak out in the middle of the wilderness along a river. it was a beautiful day and we had a great time. he dropped me off at my house afterwards. before i got out of the car i told him that i wish we could spend more time together that day. it was almost like i hit a trigger button, because he immediately responded back saying that he had a project to work on and he was already late getting back to it and that we already spent a lot of time together that day. his tone when he made this comment was what i could consider to be stressed out.
when i made the comment about wanting to spend more time together that day, it was very light hearted and i wasn't saying it in a complaining way. he could have very easily said something like how he wanted to hang out more too, but he had a project to work on. instead, he jumped straight into a stressed out tone and even defensive.
does this sound like some sort of trigger in the way he responded?
it was a very emotional response and it felt like he was responding that way due to previous experiences he has had.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 24, 2018 19:21:01 GMT
i have been wondering about this for awhile now. my ex boyfriend is avoidant and there is a memory i have of him that i think i am just now figuring out why he acted a certain way. when we first started dating, we took a kayak out in the middle of the wilderness along a river. it was a beautiful day and we had a great time. he dropped me off at my house afterwards. before i got out of the car i told him that i wish we could spend more time together that day. it was almost like i hit a trigger button, because he immediately responded back saying that he had a project to work on and he was already late getting back to it and that we already spent a lot of time together that day. his tone when he made this comment was what i could consider to be stressed out. when i made the comment about wanting to spend more time together that day, it was very light hearted and i wasn't saying it in a complaining way. he could have very easily said something like how he wanted to hang out more too, but he had a project to work on. instead, he jumped straight into a stressed out tone and even defensive. does this sound like some sort of trigger in the way he responded? it was a very emotional response and it felt like he was responding that way due to previous experiences he has had. Fara - your post made me smile as I had a Kayak incident not dissimilar with my ex boyfriend - we paddled out somewhere for an overnight trip - it was idyllic, beautiful weather, lovely dinner cooked on the fire, slept on the beach, really movie kind of stuff. When we woke in the morning he couldn't wait to escape to get back to work. Something similar happened after a week long holiday that was just wonderful - really close, really compatible, adventurous, romantic almost perfect. The night we got home he told me he wasn't sure if he could do this any more - this being relationship - I thought WTH!!!!! But left him alone for a day or two and back he came as though nothing had changed. In my case there was no obvious trigger except intimacy - I didn't ask for anything either jokingly or in seriousness. Perhaps your words were not the trigger and infact he was urgently needing to regroup. It sometimes seemed in my case that when things were really good - really close or whatever, my partner would feel freaked out and run only to return soon after. I never asked for anything until many years down the line when I needed some support and asked for more time - for some presence - and he disappeared - still comes and goes now to be honest but I don't want more of the same. |
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trigger?
Apr 24, 2018 21:49:00 GMT
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Post by mrob on Apr 24, 2018 21:49:00 GMT
Yep. I was triggered by three words in a sentence like that this week. It sent me into a huge spin. See the FA part of the forum for that story.
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trigger?
Apr 24, 2018 23:06:27 GMT
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 24, 2018 23:06:27 GMT
Yes any pressure for wanting or expecting more time without asking can set off alarms. The best way I found to spend more time was to casually invite them to do xyz and if they said “no...blah blah” say “ok if you change your mind you’re welcome to come along etc”
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Post by kelvain on Apr 27, 2018 11:11:39 GMT
Your ex boyfriend sounds like my ex girlfriend. If find it so strange yet, fascinating how my ex DA would react to comments like the "wishing that you could've spent more time together" or suggesting a weekend trip to the countryside. My ex would react as if I were asking her to do some tasteless chore like digging a ditch in the rain as she desperately would make excuses as to why she couldn't.
So glad I am no longer dealing with that!
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fara
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by fara on May 3, 2018 0:29:13 GMT
wow! thanks u guys for the feedback. sorry i fell off of the face of the earth for a bit. was busy with work. anyhow, it seems like this wasn't unique to our relationship then. i felt pretty guilty about distressing him at the time but now i look back and realize that i've never had a guy get so defensive like that. usually guys like when i show that i want to spend more time with them.
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