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Post by mollym on Apr 25, 2018 11:34:26 GMT
Newbie here and just coming to an understanding of attachment styles and how they impact intimate relationships. I test secure but found I was feeling quite anxious in a short relationship I ended 3 months ago. I say that I ended it but his bizarre behaviour sabotaged it. This man I believe to be highly avoidant. We only dated for 6 weeks and I was subjected to what I can only describe, from reading this forum, as love bombing plus future faking from the get go. I told him that I found his behaviour inappropriate at such an early stage so he tuned down a little. He kept making dates and then cancelling, citing that he had made other arrangements with friends forgetting that he had plans with me. He also used sickness, work, family as excuses to not see me. This was happening in quick succession, every week. His actions were never matching his romantic words. When we did manage to get a few hours together he was great company and very affectionate. I knew there was something off with his excuses for flaking on dates but I just thought early days, give him the time/space he needs, I was in no rush. He texted me several times a day everyday which I found endearing but as time went on I realised this was his way of connecting with me which did not require his physical presence.
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Post by mollym on Apr 25, 2018 11:51:28 GMT
Sorry told you I was a newbie so posted by accident before I could finish:) Just wanted to say that when I could no longer take his contradictory behaviour I ended it by telling him that I wasn't going to be an option when it suited and I thought it best to end things so we could both move on with our lives. He became very upset telling me that he wanted me to give him another chance, that I was so so special to him etc. He wanted to remain friends. With my understanding at the time I said best that we both ended it and find partners with whom we would be better suited. That was it, we see each other from time to time but never actually meet. Now that I strongly suspect he has an avoidant attachment style, I have no idea if he is fearful or dismissive or a bit of both. Any thoughts please? I am feeling guilty for being so abrupt with him knowing that he may be hardwired this way and not a 'jerk'. I never thought of him as a 'jerk' really I always could sense a goodness about him, I just couldn't get my head around his behaviour. It has been an education for me I certainly have more compassion for him now thanks to this forum and all the enlightening posts I have been reading.
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Post by mollym on Apr 25, 2018 13:24:04 GMT
Thanks Future, I suppose love bombing and future faking are one in the same thing. Talking about wanting to marry me and have two children, the house, the dog etc. All fantasy, he couldn't cope with being with me more than one evening a week. I was happy with that mind, he was the one making all the plans and then backtracking. I truly hope he gets it all some day but he seems to be totally unaware sadly.
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Post by mollym on Apr 27, 2018 16:08:08 GMT
Thanks for your advice gecko, yes I am like this with my friends too. This short, short relation thingy really threw me a bit anxious. I have always had a strong sense of self and clear boundaries. My ex, mid 30's, told me he has never had a relationship last more than 2 months, I now know why:) He said his ex's were expecting too much from him. I literally laughed in his face when he told me this, thinking they were only expecting you to see them more than 4 hours a week. Although he was very sociable,intelligent and accomplished he had a child like vulnerability when we were alone. His OTT romantic chat up lines were a turn off though. I saw very little of him to be honest always had something else to do, you know their stories. I am busy and independent myself and as it was early days I wasn't expecting more. There was no dance really I just knew something was off after about 4 weeks. I believe I would have ended it much sooner than our 8 short dates in total, if we had had more contact. His flaking out of taking me to an already booked concert (at his insistence). I have learned a valuable lesson here though and having been out of dating for some time now, I am much wiser for this strange experience.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 28, 2018 11:18:05 GMT
The only time I experienced "love bombing" was from 2 narcissists that I dated...and yes...they would also cancel dates etc.
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Post by mollym on Apr 28, 2018 12:37:22 GMT
The only time I experienced "love bombing" was from 2 narcissists that I dated...and yes...they would also cancel dates etc. Thanks tnr9, I did suspect narcissism before I crossed upon this forum but with a relationship history of maximum 2 months I thought he fitted better with avoidant attachment. I got the feeling rightly or wrongly that he was really struggling with his feelings for me v his fear of losing his independence. If he is a narcissist then we would have been in the idealization phase and I would have thought it unlikely that as an 'n' he would have been pushing me away so early on. I stand to be corrected, it is all a learning experience. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 28, 2018 12:49:03 GMT
The only time I experienced "love bombing" was from 2 narcissists that I dated...and yes...they would also cancel dates etc. Thanks tnr9, I did suspect narcissism before I crossed upon this forum but with a relationship history of maximum 2 months I thought he fitted better with avoidant attachment. I got the feeling rightly or wrongly that he was really struggling with his feelings for me v his fear of losing his independence. If he is a narcissist then we would have been in the idealization phase and I would have thought it unlikely that as an 'n' he would have been pushing me away so early on. I stand to be corrected, it is all a learning experience. I can only speak for what happened during my trip to N world....but the N's I was dating were not looking just to me for "supply"...they both had an array of "others" and would often cancel with me if something or someone else felt like the better prospect for getting their supply needs met. Contrasting that...the last guy I saw also canceeled plans at the last minute early in our dating history....but he did not love bomb me or ever speak of a future. |
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Post by mollym on Apr 28, 2018 14:13:07 GMT
geko, I can so relate I know mine truly want's a partner too but he just cannot do it. He would use every excuse he could muster not to be available in person. It never ceased to surprise me how innovative and convincing he could be. I had never known a grown man to behave like this before. When I met him he was out with friends and seemed very secure and relaxed in their company. Not so with intimate partners one of his friends warned me, that first night, not to bother, "he never stays with anyone more than a few weeks". I take it, that none of his ex's are AP, maybe things could last longer for him in that scenario. He told me he only goes for independent women probably secures who would get out fast when they see the red flags or like me, starting to feel anxious. I agree with you it is emotional abuse intended or not and I saw that immediately when he pulled the stunt of cancelling on our booked concert. I am so relieved he unmasked so fully and so fast. I believe there is a decency there that won't allow him to lead a woman on for too long. Mine said he never comes back to any of his ex's unless they reconnect, I believe he does this because he won't apologise for behaviour he knows will continue. He will have a long wait for me though, once I'm done, I never go back either. As a secure I would never dream of becoming his fixer. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I want a partner who can reciprocate, or what's the point, better staying single. After all I'm not hearing any permanent success stories with this, not here, or anywhere on the internet.
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