brie
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Post by brie on Apr 27, 2018 7:20:05 GMT
I ended things with my FA five months ago after a year of toxic push/pull. I finally had enough and sent a well-worded text firmly closing the door on our relationship - to which he never responded.
Until this synchronous event:
A client set me up on a blind date with a good friend who turned out to be my ex's business partner's cousin (ugh!).
We actually hit it off and met up again last night. While at dinner I received the following text from my ex...:
How is xxx doing? 😉
Turns out his cousin mentioned we were on a date and this was what he felt was appropriate.
Can someone please explain to me what in the hell the purpose of this text is? Things did not end well. I just don't get why after all these months of silence he would bother text anything at all.
And...how do they always know when you're moving on!?
Oh, and my ex has never met xxx. They live in different states and just happen to have this one person in common.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 27, 2018 7:46:03 GMT
He’s trying to be an asshole and he’s doing a good job. The winky face is implying that it doesn’t bother him. I would BLOCK his number and please please tell yourself he never reached out to you so he doesn’t hurt you emotionally any more. This guy is trying to get under your skin, please don’t let him. And I would not date a guy who couldn’t keep his mouth shut, now he’s put you in an awkward position and you feel hurt. Don’t let them do it again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2018 11:27:12 GMT
Any chance you're dealing with a Narc?
As FA, I wouldn't have done that. If I still had feelings for you and found out you're dating something, it'd trigger my avoiding side.
It's also not a pulling behavior...
I'd suggest reading about hoovering done by Narcs.
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Post by mollym on Apr 27, 2018 11:57:25 GMT
If your ex is anything like my ex FA he has probably been waiting for you to contact him. After all you sent him the goodbye text. FA's are always fearing rejection, their fragile egos just cannot cope. From my limited understanding so far, FA's can't bring to full awareness how THEIR behaviour drives their partner's away. I also believe, you dating someone known to him could be making him anxious. My ex was always overly worried about everyone's good opinion of him. Could he also fear that you might share something about him with xxx if things progress and he couldn't take the shame/narcissistic injury? It is all so sad really, for both themselves and their (trying to be) intimate partners. They have built a very deep,high, protective wall around themselves and no one is getting over or through. I agree with schemeOO and suggest you block him for your sake, you can't take a sledge hammer to a wall when the owner hasn't provided a door.
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Post by mollym on Apr 27, 2018 12:27:51 GMT
Any chance you're dealing with a Narc? As FA, I wouldn't have done that. If I still had feelings for you and found out you're dating something, it'd trigger my avoiding side. It's also not a pulling behavior... I'd suggest reading about hoovering done by Narcs. Interesting hypothesis, would you say that FA's would never pull once they know their ex has moved on to someone else? Could I also ask how you would go about the pull if your ex blocked you? Would you just give up? |
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brie
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Post by brie on Apr 27, 2018 13:31:03 GMT
Thanks everyone for your input. He definitely has narcissistic tendencies and kept me so compartmentalized throughout the year we dated I never met anyone in his life.
My first reaction was anger - his text felt rude, disrespectful, and snide given how things ended. I just don't understand the logic. If he was concerned about me sharing details of his asshole behavior why contact me at all?
He is a brilliant and highly accomplished forty year old man...much like the rest of his behavior it just makes no sense.
Unfortunately we live close to one another, making the possibility of a run-in highly probable even if I do block his number. Any suggestions on how to deal with a face-to-face encounter? All I want to do now is punch him where the sun dont shine!
For a man so adept at disappearing he sure knows how to stay in my orbit. It's incredibly frustrating.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2018 13:32:14 GMT
Any chance you're dealing with a Narc? As FA, I wouldn't have done that. If I still had feelings for you and found out you're dating something, it'd trigger my avoiding side. It's also not a pulling behavior... I'd suggest reading about hoovering done by Narcs. Interesting hypothesis, would you say that FA's would never pull once they know their ex has moved on to someone else? Could I also ask how you would go about the pull if your ex blocked you? Would you just give up? It might differ from person to person, it would be interesting if other FAs contributed since I don't always identify with FAs described by their ex partners. I often read how they LURED them into a relationship by love bombing then they've made 180 turn, then started luring them again... it has always reminded me of Narcs more. It looks "slightly" different in my case. I'm capable of chasing but my patterns are different. Fear is always present. To answer your questions: 1) No, it'd mean they moved on, they don't want me- it'd activate all my fears of rejection, not being good enough. I'd run away as fast I could. 2) Depends on an ex, situation and my mental state. "My" DA blocked me multiple times but I knew he's DA and it's not over even if he says so -and I was very attached to him. In case like this a) in a secure state I'd find a way to reconnect with them(probably plan to do it after a few weeks), be on my best behavior, apologize etc b) in my fearful state- no better than an anxious person, find a way to contact them and bombard them with no so secure messages. If I had no way to contact them, and I knew they moved on- I'd have to give up, hide behind avoidance to protect myself. ^ assuming I still loved them, wanted to be with them. I'd not attempt pulling if I felt about them differently or decided to let go. |
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Post by mollym on Apr 27, 2018 14:27:31 GMT
Thanks mechristie, for your detailed and prompt response. I am sure they will give us FA ex's something to ponder. Some of us could be dealing with npd's which has avoidant attachment style anyway or they could have a lot of narcissistic traits.
Sorry brie I don't mean to hijack your post, it was just too tempting when there was an FA contributing not to ask those questions.
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Post by mollym on Apr 27, 2018 14:52:46 GMT
I so empathise brie, you are describing my ex to a tee and yes we too live in the same area. He was always visible when we started dating, then about three weeks in he started mysteriously moving in different circles, (I know for a fact he is not married and wasn't dating then either) I never saw him out locally again until after I/he ended things. I asked him why and he gave me one of his many implausible excuses. I now realise he was avoiding letting anyone local see us together. If I ever do bump into him anywhere in the future I would just say hi and move on. I doubt his avoidance would let that happen in any case, hopefully yours will be the same. Who knows what goes on in their heads, honestly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2018 16:01:17 GMT
I'd just text a winky back, nothing else. period.  Why are you still bothered by him? Enjoy your wonderful new companion, focus on him and your fabulous dates instead. He deserves no less. |
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brie
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Post by brie on Apr 27, 2018 17:17:07 GMT
I'm bothered because he is making a point to bother me. I'll probably never know the why of his erratic behavior (doubt he does either) but venting helps.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 27, 2018 19:30:41 GMT
It is probably a control thing...but I agree with curious and send him a wink...a wink will throw him off because he won't know what that means.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2018 19:37:14 GMT
It is probably a control thing...but I agree with curious and send him a wink...a wink will throw him off because he won't know what that means. Yay! You hit it, tnr9. Exactly...it throws him off and doesn't say anything back.  brie, if you are bothered, that feeling is on your side and in your mind. You can refuse to be bothered, because it's your feeling, see? If it is your feeling, you have control over it and say "I refuse to be bothered by this, bye "bothered" feeling!" Then go on to enjoy your next dates. Solved. Venting doesn't work because you keep getting mired in this one stupid text. That's a lot of payoff for a few words and a winkie, it's totally not worth the bother. |
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Post by mrob on Apr 27, 2018 22:04:04 GMT
If I was in your position, I’d be sending him a short message saying that you’ve moved on with your life. Please don’t contact me again. Nothing fluffy, direct and to the point. Then block. No contact. If he contacts you again, contact the Police. I don’t think this one comes under attachment styles. His previous behaviour sounds like me, but I wouldn’t go anywhere near someone who had obviously moved on.
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brie
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Posts: 11
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Post by brie on Apr 27, 2018 23:33:21 GMT
If I was in your position, I’d be sending him a short message saying that you’ve moved on with your life. Please don’t contact me again. Nothing fluffy, direct and to the point. Then block. No contact. If he contacts you again, contact the Police. I don’t think this one comes under attachment styles. His previous behaviour sounds like me, but I wouldn’t go anywhere near someone who had obviously moved on. Yeah, I am FA as well and would NEVER contact an ex if I knew they were seeing someone. That's why this is so baffling. I'm not planning on responding because I don't want to engage...if he contacts me again I will block him. Trying to maintain some civility because I will run into him at some point. |
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