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Post by Jackie on Oct 11, 2016 10:49:15 GMT
Hi - I have been in a relationship with a self aware Dismissive for about 4 years. He is 50. I am 52. He has never married or had kids, been engaged etc. One girlfriend he lived with before he understood himself. It was a disaster. I am the only girlfriend he has ever seen twice a week with stay overs. Everyone else only saw him on his terms. Our arrangement does make him feel uncomfortable sometimes - he is out of his comfort zone but he does it because he chooses too. Not now, but in the future I would like something more. I have raised it, but he feels very uncomfortable talking about it and I don't get a proper answer, except that he is moving very very slowly in his own way towards some 'normal things'. What we have is ok an we do have good times. But in a couple of years when my oldest daughter will move out, I don't think it will be enough. I think I will feel short changed despite knowing how much he has tried. I have loads of friend etc, but I can't cuddle up to them like I would want to with him. Rationally, I feel guilty about having these feelings because he has changed in some ways, but emotionally I just can't help it.
I am getting older - I have one life. Do a I stay with a man who has really tried but might have no long term future for me because he can't commit to this (he commits in other ways) or is this a deal breaker? It would be a breaker if he was more conventional, and had committed to others before, but this is a lifelong trait for him - that's what makes it hard.
Thanks for any input.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on Oct 11, 2016 18:05:43 GMT
I read your post earlier this morning and had lots of time in traffic to think about it. I'm definitely not an expert and I don't know any answers, but what came to me is that you need to be sure that he will maintain open communications with you even if he's having an avoidant flashback.
I think that many people here have talked about how the avoidant whom they knew latched on to some "crime" of getting too close that the person had probably unintentionally committed. Suddenly, the avoidant would be triggered and all communications and problem resolution stopped. In the avoidant's mind, it was over and the avoidant wasn't interested in any more discussion about how to fix things.
It sounds as though you and your avoidant friend are OK now, but what if something happened and he got triggered. Does he have to capacity to work out his feelings and stay around, or would he abandon you because he couldn't deal with being triggered?
I'm thinking that a trigger might easily be if you in some way had to depend on him more than normal. As an example from my life, several years ago, I slipped and broke my ankle. Suddenly I put many more demands on my husband. My husband isn't an avoidant, but certainly isn't much of a nurse and less of a cook. I had to be 100% on crutches for six weeks. We made it through, but even without him being an avoidant, it was a very tough six weeks. I certainly think that some kind of very legitimate emergency could disrupt an avoidant's carefully controlled world and the avoidant might not be able to successfully manage the sudden, increased inter-dependency.
Again, I don't know any answers, but it may be worth asking yourself some questions.
Best wishes,
Katy |
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 80 
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Post by raco on Oct 11, 2016 18:32:18 GMT
Not now, but in the future I would like something more. You can't know for sure what you will get in the future, but you can think in terms of likeliness. And I think it is extremely unlikely that you will get much more than you already have. You only have a part-time relationship, with not much intimacy, and yet it seems too much for your partner (you says he's out of his comfort zone). Here is a short video that helped me and that I think could help you: How to change a man. Despite the misleading title, it says, basically, that you shouldn't date someone that you think should change. |
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