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Post by nottheonion on Apr 28, 2018 15:32:54 GMT
Felt hard for an FA. It’s been hard for me to fall for anyone. I’m an anxious-avoidant. As my usual self, I got incredibly anxious first. Then pushed him away. Later on when I pulled him back in, he pushed me away. (You can see my last post). I have been working on myself to become a secure person in a relationship. However, I don’t know how since i again don’t want a relationship.
I ended it with him cos I couldn’t deal with his and my own insecurity. Later I found out he’s an FA. In just under 3 weeks, i think that I’ve lost all feelings for this guy. I don’t know how he feels. I don’t want to know. But I’m shocked by how quickly I got over it as I was so into this guy. I guess I’ve been pushing him away in my head for as long as we were together and I’ve had my “healing” literally from day one we started dating.
I felt that my life is good. I have a lot going on for myself and I’ve done very well in life and career in general. I’m confident with some deep insecurity issues. I’m working on it. But as an avoidant, is it normal to lose feels so quickly? I was never like that and I felt that I had turned jaded and more and more avoidant over the years.
I initiated a FWB with him after I realised my feels for him are probably gone. He accepted the offer. We hung out and hooked up. He still treated me the same as we were together, only without the relationship element. I was in his house, and I felt nothing. I thought I could see a future with this guy. I felt nada. And that in itself was sad. However I feel much happier hanging out with him like that. I feel no obligation to be faithful. I don’t have any expectations for him and I don’t need to fulfill his expectations for me. It’s so freeing.
I don’t know whether this is a blessing or a curse. I really want a family in 5-7 years. I still have a lot of time. But for now, I feel that it’s unlikely if im like this.
Any avoidants out there who feel the same?
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 28, 2018 17:47:40 GMT
I am not here’s to judge but it’s sad that you can be so infatuated or spend time with someone and be completely emotionless 3 weeks later and feel nothing. By having this attachment style, you are not really letting someone in because you don’t want to get hurt. This is fine if you like living that way, but to have the fantasy of having a loving family like you have mentioned I feel is not aligned with your attachment issues. You being here is a sign you want and need to work on your attachment issues as others have to even be able to get close to having a normal functioning relationship. As humans, we are meant to be able to attach to others and be vulnerable or else our species would not exist because we would leave our babies alone in the Forrest to be eaten. Also, having this attached experience is one of th best experiences of life and I’m sorry that you are missing out on that. Keep working on yourself so one day you may be able to experience what secure and AP can experience.
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Post by mrob on Apr 29, 2018 0:26:05 GMT
Yes, I have experienced exactly that. Where two words in a text message sent me into a spin and I couldn’t rekindle anything inside. Gone. As you say, nobody was more shocked than me. I tried to go through the motions, because I knew it was unreasonable to suddenly have nothing. I don’t have a solution, I’m still there with therapy, this board, etc, because I don’t want to be like that.
If it was as easy as “controlling my feelings”, I would, but my experience with this attachment stuff is like I’m a marionette being controlled from above by something that I didn’t even know was there!
Good luck, and stick around.
By the way! “to experience what secure and AP can experience“. AP is painful and just as screwed up. I’d rather feel nothing than that. I’ve got enough with the fearful side.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2018 1:26:17 GMT
Felt hard for an FA. It’s been hard for me to fall for anyone. I’m an anxious-avoidant. As my usual self, I got incredibly anxious first. Then pushed him away. Later on when I pulled him back in, he pushed me away. (You can see my last post). I have been working on myself to become a secure person in a relationship. However, I don’t know how since i again don’t want a relationship. I ended it with him cos I couldn’t deal with his and my own insecurity. Later I found out he’s an FA. In just under 3 weeks, i think that I’ve lost all feelings for this guy. I don’t know how he feels. I don’t want to know. But I’m shocked by how quickly I got over it as I was so into this guy. I guess I’ve been pushing him away in my head for as long as we were together and I’ve had my “healing” literally from day one we started dating. I felt that my life is good. I have a lot going on for myself and I’ve done very well in life and career in general. I’m confident with some deep insecurity issues. I’m working on it. But as an avoidant, is it normal to lose feels so quickly? I was never like that and I felt that I had turned jaded and more and more avoidant over the years. I initiated a FWB with him after I realised my feels for him are probably gone. He accepted the offer. We hung out and hooked up. He still treated me the same as we were together, only without the relationship element. I was in his house, and I felt nothing. I thought I could see a future with this guy. I felt nada. And that in itself was sad. However I feel much happier hanging out with him like that. I feel no obligation to be faithful. I don’t have any expectations for him and I don’t need to fulfill his expectations for me. It’s so freeing. I don’t know whether this is a blessing or a curse. I really want a family in 5-7 years. I still have a lot of time. But for now, I feel that it’s unlikely if im like this. Any avoidants out there who feel the same? Welcome to the boards.  . That is definately an interesting discovery that you made. I am curious if you ever experienced that same "loving someone intensely and then getting over him quickly" with anyone else? If this has been a pattern ,it may be something to explore further...but if it only happened with this guy, perhaps he provided you with a level of closure that helped you move on quicker. |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 29, 2018 12:02:09 GMT
tnr9 you could be right maybe he gave me enough closure to help me move on. I was mildly avoidant before I met the “love of my life” P (the ex before him). Since I broke up with P, I was never the same with regards to relationships. For two years since P, I did not want to have a relationship at all. Subconsciously I did, but whenever I started to try and look for one, i didn’t go through with it for whatever reasons (whoever I met, there was always something about them I didn’t like. I didn’t make it to even 2nd date most of the time). I also enjoyed the thrill of just dating. I was a commitment phobe. Until I met him, I realised I fell hard. He really wanted to be with me. So did I. I was scared all the time. I didn’t like how I felt about him. The intense infactuation that drove me crazy constantly. He was also very different from P which made me withdraw subconsciously even more. I did a lot of push and pull. It didn’t help that he had some deep insecurity issues as well. I lost all feelings for this man but I still feel sad about the death of something that could be good. I’m quite capable of seperating feelings for what we had and the man himself
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 29, 2018 12:11:40 GMT
mrob I still feel sad thinking how we ended and the fact that I have to start over again but when I look this man in the eye and kiss him, I felt nothing. It felt like I never liked him and this made me sad. I always wanna love someone so much for a long time and have someone feel the same this is just not what it’s supposed to be.
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Post by mrob on Apr 29, 2018 14:49:26 GMT
There’s all this “supposed to” and “shoulds”. There cane a time where I had to give that up and just work with what I’ve got. Where I am. Accept what I am right now and work with the truth of who I am rather than the shoulds. Feel the grief. Sometimes repeatedly.
I am a fearful avoidant, and my past proves that I act a certain way in certain conditions. I had a reaction a week ago and before I knew it, I was in a spin, over three words. Thank goodness I could talk about it with others here before I pulled the pin, and I could approach her in a reasonable way. It did damage, but not what it could have. Even with the knowledge, I acted that certain way under a certain condition. This stuff is far more than conscious actions. This stuff is way down inside.
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 29, 2018 15:43:28 GMT
mrob could you elaborate on the “supposed to”? It’s interesting cos I always has very specific idea of how “falling in love” “a relationship smooth sailing” should be. If things don’t go my way, I get anxious then withdraw. I don’t withdraw physically but mentally. I don’t know how to work with “where I am right now”. Falling in love has been all too much for me for years now and I figured that I feel much happier if I can control my own emotions, ie by not having expectations for anyone but myself. I used to think how freeing it’d be if I could have a FWB where we do couply stuff and have great sex but never talk about feelings or any obligations. And I’m thinking about that now again. I think this has become my comfort zone.
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. That is definately an interesting discovery that you made. I am curious if you ever experienced that same "loving someone intensely and then getting over him quickly" with anyone else? If this has been a pattern ,it may be something to explore further...but if it only happened with this guy, perhaps he provided you with a level of closure that helped you move on quicker.