|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Apr 29, 2018 0:31:40 GMT
If you're in a dismissive state with someone, how do you reclaim desire or intimacy?
Do you act like you feel more than you feel in the hopes you'll start feeling it again?
I know there are entire books written on this topic, but when I read them, it feels like they're giving tiny steps that would never really get one to fully climb the mountain required to get there.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Apr 29, 2018 7:59:32 GMT
For me, a bit of physical distance awakens my desire. So for example, a boyfriend going away for a weekend in the woods with his guy friends while I can be home and take a bubble bath and read a new novel. Upon his return, I definitely want to cuddle and make love.
To make it happen, I would honestly state that I really miss my own company, and while he is lovely just as he is, I want to spend some time on my own. I would also say that he is extra sexy when he has been doing his own thing.
I would not act like I feel more as I really value being honest and honesty also helps me feel good about myself and the relationship. Now, while honest, I would be diplomatic and not mention any feelings that are likely to be hurtful to hear. I would not mention disgust even if I felt it. (Having healed a lot, I quite rarely feel disgust anymore. I feel tense and am aware that this is the need to be alone. I respect my needs so that the feeling of disgust need not come up for me.) It would not be helpful to mention. Acting like I feel more would be disrespectful to myself and dishonest to my partner. This would actually de a recipe for repulsion.
If I would live with a man, I would beforehand negotiate regular alonetime. A couple in my circle has done this. They each have a day off every week when the other is working. Having a system like this in place would really help. Or living apart together, in the same neighbourhood, and having a few steady date nights.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2018 16:33:08 GMT
All of the people that I have "dismissed", hurt me in ways that I did not find repairable. I do not want to get out of a dismissive state with them. Those that have been kind, supportive, and good for me, I don't dismiss.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2018 23:01:14 GMT
Removing as I forgot this was DA support section and I don't know how to delete this.😀
|
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on May 3, 2018 0:19:50 GMT
Once my switch has been flipped and I have distanced myself from a person, I can never get it back.
This is one very sad aspect of my character, as due to my avoidance I am often not sure the other person is often aware they are pushing me too far until it's too late. I feel quite sad when I feel it is happenning because I know the relationship is about to be over and the other person seems unaware. I try to tell them, but for whatever reason they don't seem to really understand.
Almost invariably, people are then devastated to meet my cold side where they are practically dead to me, but it's a switch I can't control and once they have pushed that button then there is absolutely no way back.
The disassociation element is so strong that I can look at a photo of them and have practically no memory of ever having known the person, almost like a character on the TV or in a book it feels unreal that I ever knew them and I don't remember their voice, face or how I felt. It just shuts down.
|
|
|
|
Post by peanut on Jun 27, 2018 19:34:50 GMT
Once my switch has been flipped and I have distanced myself from a person, I can never get it back. This is one very sad aspect of my character, as due to my avoidance I am often not sure the other person is often aware they are pushing me too far until it's too late. I feel quite sad when I feel it is happenning because I know the relationship is about to be over and the other person seems unaware. I try to tell them, but for whatever reason they don't seem to really understand. Almost invariably, people are then devastated to meet my cold side where they are practically dead to me, but it's a switch I can't control and once they have pushed that button then there is absolutely no way back. The disassociation element is so strong that I can look at a photo of them and have practically no memory of ever having known the person, almost like a character on the TV or in a book it feels unreal that I ever knew them and I don't remember their voice, face or how I felt. It just shuts down. What type of behavior pushes you this far? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2018 20:13:14 GMT
Once my switch has been flipped and I have distanced myself from a person, I can never get it back. This is one very sad aspect of my character, as due to my avoidance I am often not sure the other person is often aware they are pushing me too far until it's too late. I feel quite sad when I feel it is happenning because I know the relationship is about to be over and the other person seems unaware. I try to tell them, but for whatever reason they don't seem to really understand. Almost invariably, people are then devastated to meet my cold side where they are practically dead to me, but it's a switch I can't control and once they have pushed that button then there is absolutely no way back. The disassociation element is so strong that I can look at a photo of them and have practically no memory of ever having known the person, almost like a character on the TV or in a book it feels unreal that I ever knew them and I don't remember their voice, face or how I felt. It just shuts down. What type of behavior pushes you this far? this forum section is intended for avoidants tobqork on their own issues without interference from other styles. i stopped using it because of the lack of moderation here that allows other people to question and comment about healing process of the avoidants. avoidants participating here are trying to heal their own patterns and wounds, they are not here for you to pick their brains about your ex. please respect the space and move your comment to the DA general forum. |
|
|
|
Post by ceder3 on Jun 28, 2018 9:52:21 GMT
The disassociation element is so strong that I can look at a photo of them and have practically no memory of ever having known the person, almost like a character on the TV or in a book it feels unreal that I ever knew them and I don't remember their voice, face or how I felt. It just shuts down. Oh man, here I thought I was AP. But this is exactly what I do. Like I´m not sure if someone really happened to me, or if I just made those memories up or they where implanted from TV, a picture or whatever. Just like you describe. Big chunks of my childhood is gone in the same way. And the relationship to my mother. This scares me a bit. I makes me feel like I have some kind of disorder. And I fear that I take the hurt, stuff it in a jar and stove it away in deep inside. But in that jar, things start to ferment and at some point the jar will explode and I have to deal with that mess! Even if I did show every sign of being AP in my last relationship, I´ve suspected for some time now that I´m actually avoidant. From what mother told me about here deficits and lack of emotional connection to me as a toddler, I should theoretically be avoidant. Maybe FA? But that don´t quit fit either. |
|
