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Post by ocarina on Apr 29, 2018 20:55:33 GMT
To start... I'm not sure why I am writing this out here. I guess I feel partially embarrassed to share any more of my story with my ex-FA with my friends - I almost feel ashamed for having the feelings I have for this man. I also feel like I have some sort of impediment since finding out I am semi-FA and really want to work on myself so as to not unintentionally hurt anyone like I have just been. I contacted my ex recently after months of absolute silence. I have never, ever done this before with any ex, normally I am able to walk away with no regrets if I did the dumping, or get over the feelings after a period of limerence if I'm the dumped one. And it's no contact forever. To my surprise, he responded positively and ended up calling me and talking for a long time on the phone. I really did not expect that, I thought months of silence was a sign I really meant absolutely nothing to him after the half year of push/pull. We went from everyday to nothing, he faded away and said he didn't feel anything for me anymore (total opposite story the day before), and I established NC. At the time it absolutely killed me to do it, I didn't really know whether to believe him or not, but I didn't think I could take the anxiety anymore. As the silence continued, I began to accept what he said must have been true. He still treated me like I was his other half when we talked. I don't understand this behaviour, especially because this seemed to be the first conversation where he fully acknowledged I was his girlfriend rather than his friend in the short time we were together, the one tiny bit of validation he continually denied me. I had to remind him that he said he only wants to be friends, and that friends don't treat each other like lovers. He said he really missed me and was so happy I had contacted, asked me if we could meet. I evaded the question as I really didn't know how to feel at that time. We have now been in semi texting contact for a few weeks. I don't really know how to proceed. I'm trying to live in the moment and also move forward, have compassion while letting go and keeping the door open - to other men and him - and I'm not sure how to succeed in this. Has anyone else managed to do this while in contact with their ex? I don't want to avoid my feelings and admitting that I may love this man has been very painful for me as I constantly doubt his intentions and I feel that I should trust my judgement - that he does have feelings for me that he has now locked away and doesn't know how to deal with healthily as he tries to face his demons. I have also never admitted to his face the depth of my feelings, the thought terrifies me, and I don't want to terrify him! Does any other FA clam up like this even when they know they feel it? I thought becoming aware that I am FA would help me decipher more of his inconsistent behaviour but it really hasn't. I guess we really are enigmas to everyone else. I know this was long, thank you for reading everyone. Hello Gecko - I think awareness is part of the key - but in all honesty, inconsistent behaviour is inconsistent behaviour and before you jump back in, or even dip your toe in, it would pay to ask yourself if anything has really changed. It doesn't matter if or how much he loves you - if he is unable to make a commitment to work through his own issues you will continue to be constantly in limbo. Perhaps your clamming up is actually self protection and boundary setting. It sounds as though his behaviour has made you feel unsafe in the past and in all honesty, I suspect your own fearfulness may have grounds in reality. Unless both parties are willing to be totally vulnerable and commit to making the relationship work, it's likely to continue in a painful cycle. The point is he may well miss you, love you to the end of the earth, be head over heals that you have contacted him - but this makes no difference to the essential issue that he has left you feeling confused and unloved. FAs tend to be attracted to other FAs - there's a certain feeling of being at home with someone who's not quite all in - so feelings of being smothered don't surface. This doesn't mean it's healthy - relationships really do require consistent caring and compassionate understanding and this requires a real degree of self examination on both parts - Anne posted a great list of what it means to be secure recently on the Secure page of this forum. Worth a look. I am FA and have been in a relationship with another FA who adores me for many years - it's been painful and destructive and I have been in your position more times than I would like to admit. |
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Post by scheme00 on May 2, 2018 22:43:26 GMT
You opened Pandora’s box. Why did you open Pandora’s box? You want him but you don’t. He’s the same as you. I have no idea why people try to reach out if they don’t except it themselves that the whole reason they’re doing it is to try and reconcile things. Clearly that’s how you feel emotionally, but the logical side of your brain is trying to make yourself understand that this next time around the actions will be the same as before which will ultimately lead you to breaking up again. However it’s also clear that you both care deeply about one another. So both of you stop putting up roadblocks and give it another shot, try and be open and communicate exactly how you feel so if it doesn’t work out again you know that you gave it your best.
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Post by yasmin on May 3, 2018 0:13:19 GMT
I think the key to being FA is to remember that you're also part AP.
We're not generally needy people - we can live without relationships - we can walk away easily - but this ONE person has a pull on us. The answer to why is, I think, that we are ALSO partly AP and this person, this particular person has triggered that side of us so we want to keep going back for more in the hope that maybe this time it will be different.
I think you can desire someone's love even when they're not fully giving it, or when that love hurts and harms (we learned this with our parents didn't we?) but I am not sure it's ever going to be the RIGHT love. the right love has surely got to be one without that price tag.
I get your pain - the only person I have really attached to in a decade was an FA and he pulled a lot of these same moves on me and still does / would if I allowed it. I think it's only in distance that you can really keep the AP side at bay and have your logic and reason take hold and remind you of what love should feel like (not an uphill struggle or a begging mission).
As to whether I clam up or not. Hmm.... there's very few times I am not in control of the relationship so mostly I don't feel vulnerable (I hardly allow it) but when I do feel vulnerable then yes, it is very hard for me to express ANY of my feelings. Anger, love, what I want, how much they are hurting me. Why? I honestly think because in my head I am not worthy of love and the person is sure to reject me.
Isn't this all the heart of FA attachment? Distancing from everyone and then feeling immensely vulnerable in the face of the person who's penetrated the shell?
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Post by ocarina on May 5, 2018 21:29:34 GMT
Yasmin - you have again, hit the nail of the head for me. The penetration of the perma coating is just so very very painful and difficult to endure - but also dfficult to let go.
It's a shame that so often us FAs allow the vulnerability to surface in the face of those who are actually a risk to our emotional health rather that the secure save individuals who have earned our trust.
My FA is back again and I am celebrating the fact that this time round I actually feel very little - excitement and suspense seem to have dissipated an I feel kind of well - what now? This is a big step forward, I have let go of the hope that things will be different, have begun to genuinely forge my own life, I feel and look better than I did before and am no longer willing to sacrifice myself and my own happiness for him. Vulnerability is a great gift - but learning when to trust and when to remain guarded is a crucial skill too.
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Post by nottheonion on May 6, 2018 15:09:46 GMT
Your post reminds me of my situation. I’m seeing my FA casually (I’m either a FA or anxious avoidant). From my point of view, it’s going way better than us being in a relationship. We still act like a couple in a way (but no expression of feelings toward each other. No excessive romantic gestures. No commitment). I feel relieved. I feel that this is what I and possibly both of us can handle right now.
Do I still have feelings for him? Maybe. But I don’t feel it at the moment. I don’t feel it anymore. I’ve been surpressing it for far too long. The intense feelings we both had for each other was way too much for me. I guess we both had to escape. We both had to retreat back to the little cave where both of us rather fantaisized about our exes and the possibility of the one rather than facing the reality. You could also say we’re just “not meant to be” “not compatible”. But we have no real difference in values or life goals. We both want the same things. We both enjoy the same things. We both have similar personalities in a way. But for some reasons, we’re not “right” for each other. I don’t know why. It just feels wrong.
It all feels so confusing and I just wanna put it on the back burner.
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Post by mrob on May 8, 2018 9:23:55 GMT
I’ve only had that once in my life, and that was for a short time.
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Post by yasmin on May 8, 2018 13:44:02 GMT
I had it once before too mrob it felt very different. I've made the decision not to enter into any relationships that make me feel anything other than peaceful. |
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Post by nottheonion on May 8, 2018 22:56:32 GMT
But for some reasons, we’re not “right” for each other. I don’t know why. It just feels wrong. - I can relate to this. You know how everyone says trust your 'gut' feeling? Sometimes I don't even know what my gut is telling me anymore. It is all so confusing indeed, and I feel like always giving up - but is that really the solution when it feels like running away and going through Groundhog Day again? I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. Being avoidant, gut feeling just means anxiety. I prefer to use logic when my gut is trying to tell me something. |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 25, 2018 1:49:21 GMT
Hang in there. It really takes two. If this was someone you could have a healthy relationship with, you wouldn't have to "try your best"-- they would still be there.
I'm not sure how one can make one's self stop trying. At some point one is just ready to stop. For me, it becomes an awareness of the accumulated cost it takes for me to keep trying when the other person isn't also trying. Eventually even the hope, even the possibility-- even if it seems like such a worthy possibility-- is no longer worth the cost.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 2, 2018 15:26:35 GMT
Yeah, its not healthy. You are obviously self aware but both partners need to be if things are going to work. And then, they both have to work on their own issues separately whilst maintaining a bonkers relationship at the same time. Very tricky I think. Learning to "love yourself" and all that jazz can only be done in a very stable relationship or on your own imo.
The thing is though, these types of relationships are so enthralling, the highs and the lows, the sadness and the joy, the tears and the lust. A relationship with a secure type is just a sort of flatline experience based on my experience. Yes it's calm and stable but not many addictive dopamine hits there.
I liken a relationship with an FA to a twisty turvy 60s psychedelic mash up where you don't know what's going to happen next, and a relationship with a Secure akin to listening to a Coldplay b side. You know exactly what you are going to get there . I know which one I tend to veer towards, but that's because I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm massively fucked up. Regards.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 1, 2018 3:14:09 GMT
Your post reminds me of my situation. I’m seeing my FA casually (I’m either a FA or anxious avoidant). From my point of view, it’s going way better than us being in a relationship. We still act like a couple in a way (but no expression of feelings toward each other. No excessive romantic gestures. No commitment). I feel relieved. I feel that this is what I and possibly both of us can handle right now. Do I still have feelings for him? Maybe. But I don’t feel it at the moment. I don’t feel it anymore. I’ve been surpressing it for far too long. The intense feelings we both had for each other was way too much for me. I guess we both had to escape. We both had to retreat back to the little cave where both of us rather fantaisized about our exes and the possibility of the one rather than facing the reality. You could also say we’re just “not meant to be” “not compatible”. But we have no real difference in values or life goals. We both want the same things. We both enjoy the same things. We both have similar personalities in a way. But for some reasons, we’re not “right” for each other. I don’t know why. It just feels wrong. It all feels so confusing and I just wanna put it on the back burner. You sound like a FA based on how you described yourself. My ex bf is an FA and he shares the same qualities. Since our break and now casual relationship where he calls the shots, he seems very comfortable in this non-committal role where feelings and emotions do not surface. He’s content to hide behind his walls or I should say “seemingly content” bc he’s been down and depressed since he broke with me almost 10 months ago. I feel we’re settling by being casual and we’re both denying our true feelings and selling ourselves short. However since this is all he will offer at this time, I’m going along with it and trying my best to be patient and understanding of his fears and reservations. I’m a recovering AP and I’m not sure if I should soon lay out my feelings and go into no contact. Would tough love work on you- where a partner states their desires and is prepared to leave if not reciprocated? I brought up a relationship talk in July and he completely shut down on me and said he’s incapable and unhappy. I do feel he’s not ready yet to be back in a relationship and will walk if I press for more. Right now, he’s holding the cards and we’re locked in this silly dance. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 1, 2018 3:14:19 GMT
Your post reminds me of my situation. I’m seeing my FA casually (I’m either a FA or anxious avoidant). From my point of view, it’s going way better than us being in a relationship. We still act like a couple in a way (but no expression of feelings toward each other. No excessive romantic gestures. No commitment). I feel relieved. I feel that this is what I and possibly both of us can handle right now. Do I still have feelings for him? Maybe. But I don’t feel it at the moment. I don’t feel it anymore. I’ve been surpressing it for far too long. The intense feelings we both had for each other was way too much for me. I guess we both had to escape. We both had to retreat back to the little cave where both of us rather fantaisized about our exes and the possibility of the one rather than facing the reality. You could also say we’re just “not meant to be” “not compatible”. But we have no real difference in values or life goals. We both want the same things. We both enjoy the same things. We both have similar personalities in a way. But for some reasons, we’re not “right” for each other. I don’t know why. It just feels wrong. It all feels so confusing and I just wanna put it on the back burner. You sound like a FA based on how you described yourself. My ex bf is an FA and he shares the same qualities. Since our break and now casual relationship where he calls the shots, he seems very comfortable in this non-committal roles where feelings and emotions do not surface. He’s content to hide behind his walls or I should say “seemingly content” bc he’s been down and depressed since he broke with me almost 10 months ago. I feel we’re settling by being casual and we’re both denying our true feelings and selling ourselves short. However since this is all he will offer at this time, I’m going along with it and trying my best to be patient and understanding of his fears and reservations. I’m a recovering AP and I’m not sure if I should soon lay out my feelings and go into no contact. Would tough love work on you- where a partnervstates theirbdesires and is prepared to leave if not reciprocated? I brought up a relationship talk in July and he completely shut down on me and said he’s incapable. I do feel he’s not ready yet to be back in s relationship and will walk if I press for more. Right now, he’s holding the cards and we’re locked in this silly dance. |
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